-
He's gonna take you back to the past
-
To play the shitty games that suck ass
-
He'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear
-
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer
-
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
-
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
-
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
-
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
-
Pong. A simple word. A simple idea. It's just Pong.
-
It was one of the first video arcades from 1972.
-
A simple screen mounted inside what looked like a carved treestump.
-
You could call this the wooden age of video games, when everything was made of wood,
-
and two people playing tennis looked like two glowsticks batting a square ball back and forth.
-
Yeah, this was before circles were invented.
-
In spite of its simplicity, it's a fun and addicting game, even to this day.
-
I thought it was fun. Apparently, people thought so too, back then.
-
That's why they made a home Pong console, so you could play it at home.
-
And then, there was another one!
-
And another one!
-
And another one!
-
And another one!
-
And another one!
-
And another one!
-
There was like, nine million fucking Pong consoles!
-
A Pong console can refer to any game system made in the '70s that didn't utilize cartridges.
-
Instead, they had one built-in game, which was Pong.
-
Sometimes, they included different variations, certain kinds of updates,
-
but it's mind-blowing to think that such a simple game could have inspired so many pieces of hardware to play it.
-
So, just for shits and giggles, we're gonna take a look at all the Pong consoles which I happen to own.
-
This right here is the Tournament 1000 by Unisonic.
-
Unfortunately, this one doesn't work, but with game consoles this old, that's something you have to expect.
-
From what we can assume, you can select between four different kinds of Pong.
-
And over here, it looks like the game didn't even have the technology of keeping score,
-
so you have to do it manually, which is pretty shitty.
-
Even the most basic Pong games kept score.
-
The controllers slide out right here.
-
Now that's what you call "a basic controller".
-
Next, the APF TV Fun. That's a great name, isn't it?
-
The console's got that wooden paneling, and it's shaped like some kind of spaceship.
-
The controllers are like cylinders. You move the paddle by turning this thing right here.
-
This game is your basic Pong.
-
This little switch here changes the type of Pong.
-
One thing that's typical about Pong consoles is that the sound effects never come through the TV.
-
They come from a built-in speaker on the console itself.
-
I guess you can say it's similar to the Wiimote, how certain sound effects come out of it.
-
Next, the Wonder Wizard. Looks like a slab of wood with game dials thrown on it.
-
It was literally built from a Magnavox Odyssey, using the same circuit board and part of the plastic casing.
-
Also, it uses the same video connector.
-
It's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen, and as far to my knowledge, it only exists on the Odyssey and the Wonder Wizard.
-
This might be a good time to bring up that most of these old consoles have a connector that looks like this.
-
You have to plug them into a box and then screw the box into your TV.
-
But I say get yourself one of these,
-
But I say get yourself one of these, plug it into the coaxial input on your TV,
-
But I say get yourself one of these, plug it into the coaxial input on your TV, plug the game in,
-
But I say get yourself one of these, plug it into the coaxial input on your TV, plug the game in, and tell that box to go fuck itself!
-
However, the Odyssey and Wonder Wizard, with this fucking weird shit,
-
you have no choice but to use a box.
-
And even worse, it has to be a special box that takes this crap.
-
And after all that, you're lucky if the picture comes in clear!
-
Channel 3, channel 4, what the fuck?
-
The left paddle won't stop flickering, and the right paddle doesn't even exist!
-
Where is it? Where is it?
-
And speaking of weird hookups, the worst of all is the RCA Studio II.
-
Technically, it's not a Pong console because it uses cartridges, but when the hell am I ever gonna talk about this thing?
-
Typically, any game system will use two wires, one for the AC adapter, and one to plug into the TV.
-
But then there's shitty consoles like this that think they're being cutting-edge by combining both the wires into one.
-
In other words, both the video connector and AC adapter plug into the same box, which then plugs into the TV.
-
Again, forcing you to use a box, and to unscrew it every time you want to play a different game system.
-
So, technically speaking, the video signal is traveling up this wire,
-
and then the electricity coming from the wall socket is coming back through the same wire.
-
I don't even understand how that works!
-
The only other system I know that does that is the Atari 5200.
-
We all know how much ass that thing sucks!
-
One last thing to say about the RCA Studio II, it doesn't even have any external controllers.
-
Two players would have to huddle around and use the keypads.
-
Man, if there was an RCA Studio I, I'd hate to see it.
-
Next, the RadioShack TV Scoreboard. Looks like a remote for a TV, with a Siamese twin.
-
Pull this off, you give it to your friend, say "Fuck you, this is all you get."
-
"Look at me, I got all this shit. I'm in control, motherfucker!"
-
Ugh, why does the ball keep going through the paddle?
-
Serve, reset, reset, serve...I'm playing Ghost Pong!
-
Oh, there's color? All of a sudden, the color comes on?
-
The Sears Super Pong Telegames. Simple enough.
-
Two little knobs for controllers. Works alright. Basic Pong.
-
You got four different kinds of Pong.
-
Like, what the hell is this? Reverse Pong?
-
Okay, now what's this? Asshole Pong?
-
That's not fair!
-
Colorsport VIII. Now this is badass-looking.
-
The controllers pop out the sides, like that.
-
Two more controllers plug in, so I guess you could have four players.
-
Got all these switches here, four different games,
-
Handball, hockey, tennis, skeet.
-
Okay, what's going on? All they do is change color?
-
Hockey's red, tennis is blue, is that it?
-
I don't even know if this thing's working right.
-
Ricochet. Well, this is excessive.
-
Instead of two controllers, let's have two consoles.
-
Aside from the clunky design, the game works okay.
-
Except the right controller's a little jittery.
-
That's what happens. The thing about these Pong consoles,
-
and one of the things that makes them so fun to play,
-
is that the paddles move so fluently.
-
It's like an analog control that doesn't exist in games today.
-
The downside is that they break easily, and sometimes you get this jittery movement.
-
This yellow bastard here is called the TV4 Four-Way Video Game. Rolls right off your tongue.
-
Well, you already know how I feel about these accursed boxes.
-
How do you think I feel that this one is permanently attached to the fucking game console?
-
These things come from Hell. These forks at the end might as well be the Devil's pitchfork.
-
One of them's chewed off, so I have no way of connecting it to the TV.
-
And I have no way of replacing the box!
-
You think that makes me happy? (laughs slightly)
-
It doesn't!
-
[crash]
-
Another one I can't play is the Color TV Game 6.
-
It was made by Nintendo in 1977. Pretty cool.
-
It was only released in Japan, which is why it won't work on my American TVs.
-
I've heard something about turning the channel to 95, but none of my TVs go any higher than 82.
-
Apparently, it has six games, and two players would have to grapple for the controls.
-
Nintendo had an updated version with 15 games and detachable controllers.
-
Here's the Volley VI, fresh in the box.
-
Ah, that stained white color, tasteless wood grain. It reeks with age.
-
The controllers dismount, and you got a nice tray to hold your beer.
-
Fuck, almost.
-
The games are pretty typical, it's your average Pong, with one exception -
-
it's got some gun games!
-
I don't have the gun that goes with it, but as you can see on the box, it was some serious shit.
-
This is an example of a Pong console that uses batteries. That's another thing I need to mention,
-
it's always C batteries, but you have the option of using an AC adapter.
-
Now, tell me, what would you rather do?
-
Run to the store to get some C batteries to play your Volley VI, or just plug it in the wall?
-
The only problem is that a lot of these Pong consoles did not include the AC adapter.
-
Now, I don't know if that's because people lose them, or they break,
-
but judging from the box, and just the fact that batteries are an option,
-
I imagine a lot of times they didn't include it.
-
Now, what are you gonna do with batteries? Play it at the fucking beach?
-
Did Pong consoles have some kind of deal with the battery companies to sell more fucking batteries?
-
Alright, this is the Magnavox Odyssey 4000.
-
In between the Odyssey and Odyssey², which were cartridge-based,
-
Magnavox made a whole bunch of Pong consoles, naming them after the thousand digits.
-
The biggest innovation here is that you can move in any direction, rather than just straight up and down.
-
The Fairchild Channel F was another innovation.
-
It's a cartridge-based console, but it includes a great Pong game.
-
The controllers were the most complicated yet, and it takes some time getting used to, but when you do, it's awesome.
-
Rocking the stick moves the paddle in any four directions.
-
Twisting and turning changes the angle the paddle's facing.
-
Pushing and pulling moves the goalie up and down.
-
If you play it with a friend, it makes for a busy and intense game of Pong.
-
This is the Coleco Telstar. Once again, the controllers are built on the console.
-
There's three settings, tennis, hockey, and handball.
-
It's another basic Pong console.
-
At last, we have the Coleco Telstar Arcade.
-
Look at this mess. A steering wheel, a gun?
-
What madman came up with this?
-
Believe it or not, it actually uses cartridges.
-
Have you ever seen a cartridge like this? A silver triangle that snaps onto the top of the console?
-
On one side, you have a regular Pong game.
-
On the other, you have a racing game.
-
The lever controls your speed, and the wheel steers your car vertically on the screen.
-
It's kinda cool.
-
The gun game is like trying to shoot falling stars.
-
It's impossible, but the gun's probably broken, so who knows?
-
Well, that's Pong for ya. All these different consoles goes to show how such a simple game
-
could become such a hot-selling franchise.
-
I could see people thinking 30 years ago,
-
"Wow. Pong. This is where it's at. It ain't gonna get any better than this."
-
"Now what's this here, this Xbox 360? Some modern game system?"
-
"I don't know, maybe it has advanced graphics. Might even be in color. Let's check it out."
-
[rock music]
