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Alright, let's play some shitty games. Now, I have three games here based on the Indiana Jones trilogy.
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Trilogy? Oh, shit! There's a fourth movie comin' out!
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Yeah, tomorrow, in fact! For 19 years, we've been calling it the Indiana Jones trilogy.
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But now, it's the last day when we can actually call it that.
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Now, I'm psyched. I mean you can just tell, I'm all ready. So, to celebrate the occasion,
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let's pop this fucker in! Raiders of the Lost Ark on Atari 2600.
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The first thing that happens, you see Indiana Jones descending from some kind of escalator,
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and then, nothing. You try every button, and by every button, I mean one,
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you rock the joystick all around, you flick every possible switch, and nothing happens!
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Is the game broken, or did I already find the Ark, and that's the end of the game? Pretty easy, I must say.
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But guess what, you're supposed to plug the controller into the second port. Now the game begins and you can move Indy.
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Yeah, isn't that weird? But even more fucked up, you need two controllers to play the game.
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Controller 1 selects items with the joystick and drops items with the button.
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Controller 2 moves Indy with the joystick and uses items with the button.
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Once you figure that out, you think you're all set? But no, the confusion has only begun.
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You wander around the marketplace, yeah, that's what it is,
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but you never know that unless you read about it.
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You collect items from baskets. Now, let me show you. This is the gun.
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Makes sense, right, you see the little bullet flyin' out?
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Now, let me show you the whip.
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This is the whip. It's the same as the gun, just a shorter range!
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Why is it just a dot? I know the graphics on the Atari are limited, but don't tell me you can't draw a line!
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So, after leaving this innocent marketplace you end up falling,
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and then there's some tall crazy guy in black chasing you around.
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Who is he? What is he? Is he from the movie? Could it be him?
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I don't know. But you walk all the way to the bottom with this guy pestering you, only to find a dead end.
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So you go all the way back up to the top, which just brings you back to the marketplace.
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There's nowhere left to go but back up where you started.
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But there's snakes on the edge of the screen just waiting for you,
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so it's impossible to go up without getting killed.
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Fucking snakes, I hate 'em! But here's what you can do. Go to the merchant,
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select the bag of gold, and drop it, which exchanges it for the flute.
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When you have the flute selected, it plays a tune which keeps the snakes from killing you.
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That's a lot of faith to put in the gamer for you to know that this is a merchant,
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that's a bag of gold, that's a flute, and you use it to keep snakes away!
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But anyway, you'll find that you can't go anywhere beyond these three screens.
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You'll explore every last corner and exhaust every possibility of where you're supposed to go.
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But guess what, see this thing? That's a grenade. You put the grenade next to the right hand wall,
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you leave the screen, then you come back, and there's a nice big hole in the wall.
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Okay, first of all, you'd have to know how to use the grenade! You can't drop it like we did with the bag of gold.
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You gotta use the right controller, otherwise the bomb just goes away and nothing happens.
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So dropping it isn't the same as activating it. But besides, how would you know to bomb a hole in the wall?
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Even in a Zelda game, there's usually some sort of clue. But here, there's nothing!
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So, you go through the caves, you collect all kinds of weird items, you can't even tell what they are.
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You end up in some sort of trap. You have to whip your way through the walls,
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which is easier said than done, then you come out and then you find that you can't touch the walls in this room.
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If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back in the trap.
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But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall, which leads you to the next room.
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Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room,
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why the fuck would you even consider trying to go through the wall? Is there ever such a thing as a door?
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Also, in order to access certain parts of the game, it depends on how you move to the next screen.
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Here, we've already seen when you go down like normal, you fall and end up in this weird place they call The Valley of Poison.
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But, if you gently, carefully, just ease your way down, it takes you to a whole different screen.
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Then there's a weird treasure room where you have to keep swapping items,
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you leave the room, you come back into the room, you drop this, pick up that, swap this, exchange that, 'till finally you get all the items you need.
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Of course, each item is just trial and error to figure out what they do, and where in the game you use 'em.
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Like the hourglass or the ankh. You use them to summon a little dot that bounces around, it's supposed to be a grappling hook.
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You hit the right controller button and time it when the dot goes over an island, then you'll appear on that island.
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You'd expect Indiana Jones to use a whip to swing across, but not an hourglass that turns into a grappling hook!
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By this point, I also really have to say using two controllers is a pain in the ass.
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Unless you're Goro. I'd recommend two sets of hands or two players.
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Then you get to this part where you need to stand in a certain place for this map to appear. Oh, like in the movie!
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You need to select the key to enter, you need the clock to tell you when the sun is rising,
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you need the medallion so the sun can shine at the right time and mark the spot on the map where you have to find a shovel to dig for the Ark!
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Wow! How complicated can it be for an Atari game?
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Let alone that this is one of the few Atari games that you can actually beat,
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whereas most of them are just about trying to get a high score.
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And when I say it can be beat, that's hypothetical, because honestly,
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I think it'd be easier to find the real Lost Ark. Just the fact that you have to feel around for secret passageways and stuff,
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it makes you feel like Indiana Jones. Well, they got me there. Next up is Temple of Doom.
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Based off the second movie, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was an arcade game,
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which was ported to many home computers before eventually arriving on the Nintendo Entertainment System.
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There were two versions: an unlicensed black cartridge by Tengen and an official release by Mindscape.
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The cover art is the same, except it's reversed, almost like the one game is a mirror reflection of the other.
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In fact, both versions are the same exact game, so I don't know what's up with that.
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The game begins, Indy walks from one cave to the next and...what's going on here, what the hell?
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Oh no, not this again - Oh, it's Select. It's one of those games, where Select is Start.
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What's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger. And he walks like he just dumped ass.
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Alright, so basically, you're just going around rescuing little kids.
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See, there's a little kid, you get the little kid, and then y- oh, you get the sword,
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and - oh my god, another sword, oh, another sword, oh my god, this little cave here is awfully generous.
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All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff,
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but the big question is, what do you do with them?
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The Start button brings up this screen which shows your supply, but how do you select your weapons?
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You try every button and nothing works, so what's the point of this screen?
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Nothing, it's just for shits and giggles.
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Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime, but then you find that your whip is pretty useless.
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You can use it to swing around and kill small insects, but any of the regular bad guys, it only makes them jitter around and grunt.
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[grunt]
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[AVGN] It should be a dance.
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[imitates grunts] Whip it! [imitates grunts]
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Come on! This is ridiculous! By now you're wondering, "Where the fuck are my weapons?!"
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Well, here's how it works. You hold the Select button while pressing right for the sword,
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left for the gun, up for the bomb, and down for the whip!
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On top of just being awkward, it's impossible when you're in a tight situation and have to switch real fast!
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There's no way to pause the game and then switch weapons, you have to do it during the action!
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If you're on a conveyor belt, there's no way you're gonna mess around, unless you want to fall off and die!
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That's my biggest gripe with this game. I've never heard of such a back-ass dimwitted idiotic lame-brained way to switch weapons,
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but at least you only use one controller.
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There's also a serious problem going on with the jumping.
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Whenever you jump, you gravitate towards the bottom of the screen.
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You're constantly fighting against it with the D-pad.
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At first I didn't understand what was going on, but now I kinda see what they were trying to do.
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The cliffs, the platforms, the conveyor belts, everything's descending as you go down,
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like you're on the side of a mountain, so whenever you jump, naturally, you drop.
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But you're sorta looking at it from a bird's eye perspective. But no, wait.
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Are these doors actually just rectangular holes in the ground? Is Indiana Jones walking or is he crawling? Or...huh.
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I don't know, I don't have a fucking clue, it's like they couldn't decide if they were making a 3D or a 2D platformer, so what you get is like a hybrid!
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Anyway, the big problem is figuring out where you're supposed to go. Some call it a platformer game,
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some call it an adventure game, I classify it as a "where the fuck do I go?" kind of game. Yeah, one of those.
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It's dreadful, all you do is jump around. You go in doors and you jump around some more. You jump around, you jump around.
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The stages don't really progress much. Everything looks the same. It almost seems like I'm doing laps.
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[record needle scratch] But wait! Yeah, how did I get here again? You wanna know why?
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Because the damn stages cycle over and over again! Let me draw it out.
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It's like, OK, here's the stage, you know, all the little cliffs, the doors, the lava pits, all that bullshit.
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Anyway, for example, if you go all the way down here, you don't hit a wall or any kind of boundary, you just come out up here,
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but without any indication that you've done so! What kind of bullshit is that?
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Everything looks the same, anyway, so it only makes an already confusing game even more confusing!
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Who would want to play this? I'd rather drink buffalo shizz! That's a combination of shit and jizz. Yeah, that's foul. I apologize.
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You know, there's a major paradox going on here. If you keep jumping down, you're basically coming out the top again.
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Yeah, you follow? It's kinda like a never-ending staircase.
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Even Einstein would be baffled by how this game breaks the laws of physics.
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Just the fact that this game was made the way it is, it's a shit stain on the fabric of nature.
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Another thing I hate is whenever you get hit, usually by a stupid bat or something,
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you end up going apeshit like Indy's having a seizure or something.
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It stuns you for a few seconds, but if it happens on a conveyor belt, you're fucked! You're going over the edge!
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How did I die? Look at this, I jumped down, I land on the conveyor belt and I'm dead.
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You mean from sticking my toe in the very, very, very edge of this lava pit?
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Fuck! Let's try again.
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Kiss my ass! I hate this game! It's fucking horrible!
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Next up, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. But first, let's get Temple of Doom out of there.
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The Last Crusade is another one of those games where you have to press the Select button to start. Why is that?
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There are some good things to say about this game.
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It makes a legitimate attempt to follow the storyline from the movie,
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and it plays more like a traditional side-scroller. Most of the time, at least.
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There is an overhead stage where you're on the motorcycle, which is cool to have some variety,
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but then there's a puzzle. I don't wanna do a fuckin' puzzle, I'm not even good at these things!
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What's this supposed to be, anyway? I wouldn't be surprised if it was just a giant middle finger saying "Fuck you!"
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The side-scrolling stages are okay, but redundant. You just mash buttons. Sometimes, you get hit, sometimes, they get hit. Pure random.
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The castle stage is a fuckin' maze. Unless you draw a map, you'll never know which direction to go, or where you've already been.
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This game can be annoying, but it is playable.
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I never intended to review it anyway because it's not the same version of Last Crusade that I remember.
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Yes, that's right. Once again, there's two versions. The one we just played was by Taito. The other one's by Ubisoft.
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This time, both of them are licensed, and the cover art is almost identical.
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The differences are very slight. It's almost like playing one of those picture games where you guess what's different.
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So because they look basically the same, you would imagine that they're the same game, just like with Temple of Doom.
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But, no! This time, they're both completely different! Why make two games off the same movie on the same console?
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To make it better, right? Well, let's see how much better it is.
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While the animation is pretty decent on Indy, why is there this choppy outline around his body?
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And where's the color? Everything's in monochrome. It's like something you'd see on Game Boy.
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Indy's in like a sepia tone while the backgrounds range from yellow to green.
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What happened? Even the Game Gear version had more color, and that was a handheld console!
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So, when the game begins you immediately take damage from everything in sight.
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Even when you fall off the rope, some mysterious force hits you on your way down.
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Then you get shot at while you're wondering "Where's my whip? Is this all you can do, is just punch?"
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How am I supposed to fight a guy with a gun with my fists?
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You think you can just take the platform and go over him, but no, you come to a dead end, with a little narrow opening, just to tease you.
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No, you can't crawl. I tried. And you can't jump down, either, so it's all the way back to the guy with the gun.
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You gotta get near him without touching him, and still, it takes quite a few punches to put him down.
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And this is just one guy! There's a million of 'em! Next thing you come to a small body of water.
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You can't touch it or you die. You just keep jumping on the ropes.
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Fuck! Oh my god, get back onto the rope! What the hell do I-
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Awwww, what the fuck?
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How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddy pool?
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All the way through the game's without mercy. And it doesn't help to not have a whip.
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And why does there always have to be a fucking time limit?
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Once you get to the first level boss, any sane person would shut the game off.
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Just look, I have to fight a guy with a long range weapon with my bare fists.
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Once you get the pattern down, you're able to step in, take a few jabs, and step back while avoiding the stalactites at the same time.
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And look how much damage it takes when you punch him.
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Is it a fucking joke?! Dumbasses made this game, should've sent it to the Marx Brothers.
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Halfway through the second level you finally get this weird item.
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In the back of your mind you think, "What is that, a whip or something? No."
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By this point, you don't even expect the whip to be in the game. But yeah, this is the whip!
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You just have to select it, that's all. Why would you not want to select the whip?
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So now, you're in complete shock thinking to yourself "Oh, I get it now."
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"Like in the movie. He doesn't get the whip 'till he's on the train."
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[record needle scratch] But whoa, whoa. Let's talk about the story. As the game begins, it just says "Exploring the Caves", that's it.
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It doesn't tell you why you're exploring the caves.
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But before you can complete each level, you need to find certain items. Here, it's a cross.
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So, okay, is this supposed to be the opening scene of the movie, where he's young Boy Scout Indy?
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Then why does he have the jacket and hat?
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In the third level, he's in the catacombs looking for stone tablets,
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and in the fourth level, he's in the castle looking for the pages of his father's diary.
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So the whole game is loosely based around scenes from the movie, but the whole time, it's the same adult Indy.
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So, here's the bottom line: either follow the movie or just give me the goddamn whip!
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This is great, right? You remember when Indy fought an archer on the train?
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Come on!
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You gotta be kidding me.
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Oh man, just die.
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Ugh, god.
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Oh my god.
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The fuck, man?
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[crash]
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Oh, shit!
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You think Indiana Jones would have been a great concept for a side-scroller game, but they just kept fucking it up!
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How'd they do this, it's ass! But here's one which was actually pretty decent, so let's take a quick look.
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Indiana Jones' Greatest Adventures is exactly what you'd expect of a movie based game on Super Nintendo.
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You move from left to right and kill a bunch of bad guys with your whip.
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It's more self-explanatory than most of the previous games, which makes it easy to pick up and play.
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And thank god it has a password system with only four characters, making it easy to continue where you left off.
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Best of all, the stages all follow scenes from the movies. That's right, from Raiders to Crusade.
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One thing I find funny is that the final boss of the game is the skeleton, you know, when Donovan drinks the wrong grail.
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Kinda reminds me of a Castlevania game.
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Overall, LucasArts gave the same care and attention to the franchise as they did with their Star Wars trilogy,
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except here, they're all rolled into one game. Same as me, combining three reviews into one.
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But hey, now I'm pushing four, so let's end this thing.
