0:00:26.587,0:00:32.394 Alright, let's play some shitty games. Now, I have three games here based on the Indiana Jones trilogy. 0:00:34.117,0:00:38.377 Trilogy? Oh, shit! There's a fourth movie comin' out! 0:00:38.377,0:00:44.174 Yeah, tomorrow, in fact! For 19 years, we've been calling it the Indiana Jones trilogy. 0:00:44.174,0:00:47.375 But now, it's the last day when we can actually call it that. 0:00:47.375,0:00:51.556 Now, I'm psyched. I mean you can just tell, I'm all ready. So, to celebrate the occasion, 0:00:51.556,0:00:57.061 let's pop this fucker in! Raiders of the Lost Ark on Atari 2600. 0:00:58.107,0:01:02.187 The first thing that happens, you see Indiana Jones descending from some kind of escalator, 0:01:02.187,0:01:06.788 and then, nothing. You try every button, and by every button, I mean one, 0:01:06.788,0:01:11.039 you rock the joystick all around, you flick every possible switch, and nothing happens! 0:01:11.039,0:01:17.102 Is the game broken, or did I already find the Ark, and that's the end of the game? Pretty easy, I must say. 0:01:17.717,0:01:23.845 But guess what, you're supposed to plug the controller into the second port. Now the game begins and you can move Indy. 0:01:23.845,0:01:29.112 Yeah, isn't that weird? But even more fucked up, you need two controllers to play the game. 0:01:29.112,0:01:33.459 Controller 1 selects items with the joystick and drops items with the button. 0:01:33.459,0:01:37.559 Controller 2 moves Indy with the joystick and uses items with the button. 0:01:37.559,0:01:43.400 Once you figure that out, you think you're all set? But no, the confusion has only begun. 0:01:43.400,0:01:46.378 You wander around the marketplace, yeah, that's what it is, 0:01:46.378,0:01:48.684 but you never know that unless you read about it. 0:01:48.684,0:01:52.780 You collect items from baskets. Now, let me show you. This is the gun. 0:01:53.457,0:01:55.755 Makes sense, right, you see the little bullet flyin' out? 0:01:55.755,0:01:57.509 Now, let me show you the whip. 0:01:58.524,0:02:02.552 This is the whip. It's the same as the gun, just a shorter range! 0:02:02.552,0:02:09.175 Why is it just a dot? I know the graphics on the Atari are limited, but don't tell me you can't draw a line! 0:02:09.175,0:02:12.613 So, after leaving this innocent marketplace you end up falling, 0:02:12.613,0:02:15.607 and then there's some tall crazy guy in black chasing you around. 0:02:15.607,0:02:19.939 Who is he? What is he? Is he from the movie? Could it be him? 0:02:19.939,0:02:25.123 I don't know. But you walk all the way to the bottom with this guy pestering you, only to find a dead end. 0:02:25.123,0:02:28.856 So you go all the way back up to the top, which just brings you back to the marketplace. 0:02:28.856,0:02:31.895 There's nowhere left to go but back up where you started. 0:02:31.895,0:02:35.024 But there's snakes on the edge of the screen just waiting for you, 0:02:35.024,0:02:37.646 so it's impossible to go up without getting killed. 0:02:37.646,0:02:41.779 Fucking snakes, I hate 'em! But here's what you can do. Go to the merchant, 0:02:41.779,0:02:45.729 select the bag of gold, and drop it, which exchanges it for the flute. 0:02:45.729,0:02:50.096 When you have the flute selected, it plays a tune which keeps the snakes from killing you. 0:02:50.096,0:02:54.107 That's a lot of faith to put in the gamer for you to know that this is a merchant, 0:02:54.107,0:02:58.009 that's a bag of gold, that's a flute, and you use it to keep snakes away! 0:02:58.009,0:03:01.691 But anyway, you'll find that you can't go anywhere beyond these three screens. 0:03:01.691,0:03:06.412 You'll explore every last corner and exhaust every possibility of where you're supposed to go. 0:03:06.412,0:03:11.876 But guess what, see this thing? That's a grenade. You put the grenade next to the right hand wall, 0:03:11.876,0:03:15.641 you leave the screen, then you come back, and there's a nice big hole in the wall. 0:03:16.210,0:03:22.224 Okay, first of all, you'd have to know how to use the grenade! You can't drop it like we did with the bag of gold. 0:03:22.224,0:03:26.896 You gotta use the right controller, otherwise the bomb just goes away and nothing happens. 0:03:26.896,0:03:32.992 So dropping it isn't the same as activating it. But besides, how would you know to bomb a hole in the wall? 0:03:32.992,0:03:37.718 Even in a Zelda game, there's usually some sort of clue. But here, there's nothing! 0:03:38.380,0:03:42.757 So, you go through the caves, you collect all kinds of weird items, you can't even tell what they are. 0:03:42.757,0:03:46.467 You end up in some sort of trap. You have to whip your way through the walls, 0:03:46.467,0:03:51.657 which is easier said than done, then you come out and then you find that you can't touch the walls in this room. 0:03:51.657,0:03:57.857 If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back in the trap. 0:03:58.211,0:04:04.777 But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall, which leads you to the next room. 0:04:04.777,0:04:08.434 Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room, 0:04:08.434,0:04:15.705 why the fuck would you even consider trying to go through the wall? Is there ever such a thing as a door? 0:04:15.705,0:04:21.924 Also, in order to access certain parts of the game, it depends on how you move to the next screen. 0:04:21.924,0:04:28.744 Here, we've already seen when you go down like normal, you fall and end up in this weird place they call The Valley of Poison. 0:04:28.744,0:04:35.946 But, if you gently, carefully, just ease your way down, it takes you to a whole different screen. 0:04:35.946,0:04:39.358 Then there's a weird treasure room where you have to keep swapping items, 0:04:39.358,0:04:46.116 you leave the room, you come back into the room, you drop this, pick up that, swap this, exchange that, 'till finally you get all the items you need. 0:04:46.116,0:04:50.797 Of course, each item is just trial and error to figure out what they do, and where in the game you use 'em. 0:04:50.797,0:04:57.429 Like the hourglass or the ankh. You use them to summon a little dot that bounces around, it's supposed to be a grappling hook. 0:04:57.429,0:05:03.292 You hit the right controller button and time it when the dot goes over an island, then you'll appear on that island. 0:05:03.292,0:05:10.466 You'd expect Indiana Jones to use a whip to swing across, but not an hourglass that turns into a grappling hook! 0:05:10.928,0:05:16.078 By this point, I also really have to say using two controllers is a pain in the ass. 0:05:16.078,0:05:19.999 Unless you're Goro. I'd recommend two sets of hands or two players. 0:05:19.999,0:05:25.793 Then you get to this part where you need to stand in a certain place for this map to appear. Oh, like in the movie! 0:05:25.793,0:05:30.108 You need to select the key to enter, you need the clock to tell you when the sun is rising, 0:05:30.108,0:05:36.447 you need the medallion so the sun can shine at the right time and mark the spot on the map where you have to find a shovel to dig for the Ark! 0:05:41.447,0:05:45.054 Wow! How complicated can it be for an Atari game? 0:05:45.054,0:05:48.569 Let alone that this is one of the few Atari games that you can actually beat, 0:05:48.569,0:05:51.295 whereas most of them are just about trying to get a high score. 0:05:51.295,0:05:54.793 And when I say it can be beat, that's hypothetical, because honestly, 0:05:54.793,0:06:00.447 I think it'd be easier to find the real Lost Ark. Just the fact that you have to feel around for secret passageways and stuff, 0:06:00.447,0:06:07.893 it makes you feel like Indiana Jones. Well, they got me there. Next up is Temple of Doom. 0:06:07.893,0:06:12.195 Based off the second movie, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was an arcade game, 0:06:12.195,0:06:17.266 which was ported to many home computers before eventually arriving on the Nintendo Entertainment System. 0:06:17.266,0:06:23.258 There were two versions: an unlicensed black cartridge by Tengen and an official release by Mindscape. 0:06:23.258,0:06:29.580 The cover art is the same, except it's reversed, almost like the one game is a mirror reflection of the other. 0:06:29.580,0:06:35.044 In fact, both versions are the same exact game, so I don't know what's up with that. 0:06:35.813,0:06:41.778 The game begins, Indy walks from one cave to the next and...what's going on here, what the hell? 0:06:41.778,0:06:46.761 Oh no, not this again - Oh, it's Select. It's one of those games, where Select is Start. 0:06:47.161,0:06:52.561 What's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger. And he walks like he just dumped ass. 0:06:53.176,0:06:56.428 Alright, so basically, you're just going around rescuing little kids. 0:06:57.151,0:07:00.260 See, there's a little kid, you get the little kid, and then y- oh, you get the sword, 0:07:00.260,0:07:05.709 and - oh my god, another sword, oh, another sword, oh my god, this little cave here is awfully generous. 0:07:06.832,0:07:09.756 All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff, 0:07:09.756,0:07:12.208 but the big question is, what do you do with them? 0:07:12.208,0:07:17.712 The Start button brings up this screen which shows your supply, but how do you select your weapons? 0:07:17.712,0:07:21.458 You try every button and nothing works, so what's the point of this screen? 0:07:22.089,0:07:24.062 Nothing, it's just for shits and giggles. 0:07:24.062,0:07:29.344 Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime, but then you find that your whip is pretty useless. 0:07:29.344,0:07:36.795 You can use it to swing around and kill small insects, but any of the regular bad guys, it only makes them jitter around and grunt. 0:07:36.795,0:07:38.865 [grunt] 0:07:38.865,0:07:40.071 [AVGN] It should be a dance. 0:07:40.071,0:07:44.200 [imitates grunts] Whip it! [imitates grunts] 0:07:44.200,0:07:48.613 Come on! This is ridiculous! By now you're wondering, "Where the fuck are my weapons?!" 0:07:48.613,0:07:53.400 Well, here's how it works. You hold the Select button while pressing right for the sword, 0:07:53.400,0:07:56.487 left for the gun, up for the bomb, and down for the whip! 0:07:56.487,0:08:02.220 On top of just being awkward, it's impossible when you're in a tight situation and have to switch real fast! 0:08:02.497,0:08:07.407 There's no way to pause the game and then switch weapons, you have to do it during the action! 0:08:07.407,0:08:11.970 If you're on a conveyor belt, there's no way you're gonna mess around, unless you want to fall off and die! 0:08:11.970,0:08:19.079 That's my biggest gripe with this game. I've never heard of such a back-ass dimwitted idiotic lame-brained way to switch weapons, 0:08:19.079,0:08:21.470 but at least you only use one controller. 0:08:23.408,0:08:26.363 There's also a serious problem going on with the jumping. 0:08:26.363,0:08:30.095 Whenever you jump, you gravitate towards the bottom of the screen. 0:08:30.095,0:08:33.006 You're constantly fighting against it with the D-pad. 0:08:33.006,0:08:38.911 At first I didn't understand what was going on, but now I kinda see what they were trying to do. 0:08:38.911,0:08:43.523 The cliffs, the platforms, the conveyor belts, everything's descending as you go down, 0:08:43.523,0:08:47.335 like you're on the side of a mountain, so whenever you jump, naturally, you drop. 0:08:47.335,0:08:52.413 But you're sorta looking at it from a bird's eye perspective. But no, wait. 0:08:52.675,0:09:00.784 Are these doors actually just rectangular holes in the ground? Is Indiana Jones walking or is he crawling? Or...huh. 0:09:14.166,0:09:21.839 I don't know, I don't have a fucking clue, it's like they couldn't decide if they were making a 3D or a 2D platformer, so what you get is like a hybrid! 0:09:22.162,0:09:27.481 Anyway, the big problem is figuring out where you're supposed to go. Some call it a platformer game, 0:09:27.481,0:09:33.509 some call it an adventure game, I classify it as a "where the fuck do I go?" kind of game. Yeah, one of those. 0:09:33.509,0:09:40.088 It's dreadful, all you do is jump around. You go in doors and you jump around some more. You jump around, you jump around. 0:09:40.088,0:09:46.175 The stages don't really progress much. Everything looks the same. It almost seems like I'm doing laps. 0:09:46.175,0:09:50.462 [record needle scratch] But wait! Yeah, how did I get here again? You wanna know why? 0:09:50.462,0:09:54.889 Because the damn stages cycle over and over again! Let me draw it out. 0:09:54.889,0:10:00.128 It's like, OK, here's the stage, you know, all the little cliffs, the doors, the lava pits, all that bullshit. 0:10:00.128,0:10:08.174 Anyway, for example, if you go all the way down here, you don't hit a wall or any kind of boundary, you just come out up here, 0:10:08.174,0:10:13.095 but without any indication that you've done so! What kind of bullshit is that? 0:10:13.095,0:10:18.672 Everything looks the same, anyway, so it only makes an already confusing game even more confusing! 0:10:18.672,0:10:27.203 Who would want to play this? I'd rather drink buffalo shizz! That's a combination of shit and jizz. Yeah, that's foul. I apologize. 0:10:27.203,0:10:33.861 You know, there's a major paradox going on here. If you keep jumping down, you're basically coming out the top again. 0:10:33.861,0:10:37.295 Yeah, you follow? It's kinda like a never-ending staircase. 0:10:37.295,0:10:41.522 Even Einstein would be baffled by how this game breaks the laws of physics. 0:10:41.922,0:10:46.734 Just the fact that this game was made the way it is, it's a shit stain on the fabric of nature. 0:10:47.057,0:10:51.648 Another thing I hate is whenever you get hit, usually by a stupid bat or something, 0:10:51.648,0:10:54.739 you end up going apeshit like Indy's having a seizure or something. 0:10:55.108,0:11:01.482 It stuns you for a few seconds, but if it happens on a conveyor belt, you're fucked! You're going over the edge! 0:11:03.328,0:11:08.668 How did I die? Look at this, I jumped down, I land on the conveyor belt and I'm dead. 0:11:08.668,0:11:13.559 You mean from sticking my toe in the very, very, very edge of this lava pit? 0:11:16.605,0:11:18.421 Fuck! Let's try again. 0:11:19.313,0:11:22.882 Kiss my ass! I hate this game! It's fucking horrible! 0:11:23.446,0:11:28.585 Next up, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. But first, let's get Temple of Doom out of there. 0:11:45.445,0:11:51.702 The Last Crusade is another one of those games where you have to press the Select button to start. Why is that? 0:11:52.348,0:11:54.734 There are some good things to say about this game. 0:11:54.734,0:11:58.483 It makes a legitimate attempt to follow the storyline from the movie, 0:11:58.483,0:12:02.715 and it plays more like a traditional side-scroller. Most of the time, at least. 0:12:02.715,0:12:07.579 There is an overhead stage where you're on the motorcycle, which is cool to have some variety, 0:12:07.579,0:12:12.285 but then there's a puzzle. I don't wanna do a fuckin' puzzle, I'm not even good at these things! 0:12:12.777,0:12:18.106 What's this supposed to be, anyway? I wouldn't be surprised if it was just a giant middle finger saying "Fuck you!" 0:12:19.003,0:12:28.524 The side-scrolling stages are okay, but redundant. You just mash buttons. Sometimes, you get hit, sometimes, they get hit. Pure random. 0:12:28.524,0:12:36.226 The castle stage is a fuckin' maze. Unless you draw a map, you'll never know which direction to go, or where you've already been. 0:12:36.226,0:12:39.085 This game can be annoying, but it is playable. 0:12:39.085,0:12:44.479 I never intended to review it anyway because it's not the same version of Last Crusade that I remember. 0:12:44.479,0:12:51.849 Yes, that's right. Once again, there's two versions. The one we just played was by Taito. The other one's by Ubisoft. 0:12:51.849,0:12:56.320 This time, both of them are licensed, and the cover art is almost identical. 0:12:56.320,0:13:02.091 The differences are very slight. It's almost like playing one of those picture games where you guess what's different. 0:13:02.091,0:13:07.987 So because they look basically the same, you would imagine that they're the same game, just like with Temple of Doom. 0:13:07.987,0:13:15.348 But, no! This time, they're both completely different! Why make two games off the same movie on the same console? 0:13:15.348,0:13:20.115 To make it better, right? Well, let's see how much better it is. 0:13:20.115,0:13:25.300 While the animation is pretty decent on Indy, why is there this choppy outline around his body? 0:13:25.300,0:13:29.823 And where's the color? Everything's in monochrome. It's like something you'd see on Game Boy. 0:13:29.823,0:13:33.821 Indy's in like a sepia tone while the backgrounds range from yellow to green. 0:13:33.821,0:13:39.294 What happened? Even the Game Gear version had more color, and that was a handheld console! 0:13:39.294,0:13:43.844 So, when the game begins you immediately take damage from everything in sight. 0:13:43.844,0:13:48.232 Even when you fall off the rope, some mysterious force hits you on your way down. 0:13:49.801,0:13:54.531 Then you get shot at while you're wondering "Where's my whip? Is this all you can do, is just punch?" 0:13:54.531,0:13:58.043 How am I supposed to fight a guy with a gun with my fists? 0:13:58.043,0:14:05.186 You think you can just take the platform and go over him, but no, you come to a dead end, with a little narrow opening, just to tease you. 0:14:05.186,0:14:11.694 No, you can't crawl. I tried. And you can't jump down, either, so it's all the way back to the guy with the gun. 0:14:11.694,0:14:16.624 You gotta get near him without touching him, and still, it takes quite a few punches to put him down. 0:14:16.624,0:14:21.988 And this is just one guy! There's a million of 'em! Next thing you come to a small body of water. 0:14:21.988,0:14:25.709 You can't touch it or you die. You just keep jumping on the ropes. 0:14:26.201,0:14:29.689 Fuck! Oh my god, get back onto the rope! What the hell do I- 0:14:31.863,0:14:33.737 Awwww, what the fuck? 0:14:34.491,0:14:40.097 How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddy pool? 0:14:40.097,0:14:44.444 All the way through the game's without mercy. And it doesn't help to not have a whip. 0:14:44.444,0:14:47.453 And why does there always have to be a fucking time limit? 0:14:51.061,0:14:54.866 Once you get to the first level boss, any sane person would shut the game off. 0:14:54.866,0:14:59.070 Just look, I have to fight a guy with a long range weapon with my bare fists. 0:14:59.070,0:15:06.425 Once you get the pattern down, you're able to step in, take a few jabs, and step back while avoiding the stalactites at the same time. 0:15:06.425,0:15:09.092 And look how much damage it takes when you punch him. 0:15:13.990,0:15:19.863 Is it a fucking joke?! Dumbasses made this game, should've sent it to the Marx Brothers. 0:15:20.602,0:15:23.821 Halfway through the second level you finally get this weird item. 0:15:23.821,0:15:26.941 In the back of your mind you think, "What is that, a whip or something? No." 0:15:26.941,0:15:31.249 By this point, you don't even expect the whip to be in the game. But yeah, this is the whip! 0:15:31.249,0:15:35.810 You just have to select it, that's all. Why would you not want to select the whip? 0:15:36.272,0:15:40.612 So now, you're in complete shock thinking to yourself "Oh, I get it now." 0:15:40.612,0:15:43.460 "Like in the movie. He doesn't get the whip 'till he's on the train." 0:15:43.460,0:15:50.161 [record needle scratch] But whoa, whoa. Let's talk about the story. As the game begins, it just says "Exploring the Caves", that's it. 0:15:50.161,0:15:52.146 It doesn't tell you why you're exploring the caves. 0:15:52.146,0:15:56.968 But before you can complete each level, you need to find certain items. Here, it's a cross. 0:15:56.968,0:16:01.624 So, okay, is this supposed to be the opening scene of the movie, where he's young Boy Scout Indy? 0:16:01.624,0:16:03.771 Then why does he have the jacket and hat? 0:16:04.281,0:16:07.190 In the third level, he's in the catacombs looking for stone tablets, 0:16:07.190,0:16:11.157 and in the fourth level, he's in the castle looking for the pages of his father's diary. 0:16:11.157,0:16:17.629 So the whole game is loosely based around scenes from the movie, but the whole time, it's the same adult Indy. 0:16:17.629,0:16:23.041 So, here's the bottom line: either follow the movie or just give me the goddamn whip! 0:16:23.518,0:16:27.194 This is great, right? You remember when Indy fought an archer on the train? 0:16:31.434,0:16:32.403 Come on! 0:16:33.199,0:16:34.691 You gotta be kidding me. 0:16:35.608,0:16:37.531 Oh man, just die. 0:16:42.724,0:16:44.853 Ugh, god. 0:16:46.160,0:16:48.068 Oh my god. 0:17:00.727,0:17:02.327 The fuck, man? 0:17:33.543,0:17:34.043 [crash] 0:17:34.043,0:17:35.153 Oh, shit! 0:17:35.153,0:17:41.512 You think Indiana Jones would have been a great concept for a side-scroller game, but they just kept fucking it up! 0:17:41.512,0:17:48.316 How'd they do this, it's ass! But here's one which was actually pretty decent, so let's take a quick look. 0:17:48.316,0:17:53.770 Indiana Jones' Greatest Adventures is exactly what you'd expect of a movie based game on Super Nintendo. 0:17:53.770,0:17:56.920 You move from left to right and kill a bunch of bad guys with your whip. 0:17:56.920,0:18:01.694 It's more self-explanatory than most of the previous games, which makes it easy to pick up and play. 0:18:02.340,0:18:08.057 And thank god it has a password system with only four characters, making it easy to continue where you left off. 0:18:08.057,0:18:13.694 Best of all, the stages all follow scenes from the movies. That's right, from Raiders to Crusade. 0:18:13.694,0:18:19.907 One thing I find funny is that the final boss of the game is the skeleton, you know, when Donovan drinks the wrong grail. 0:18:19.907,0:18:22.292 Kinda reminds me of a Castlevania game. 0:18:23.505,0:18:28.596 Overall, LucasArts gave the same care and attention to the franchise as they did with their Star Wars trilogy, 0:18:28.596,0:18:34.407 except here, they're all rolled into one game. Same as me, combining three reviews into one. 0:18:34.407,0:18:37.820 But hey, now I'm pushing four, so let's end this thing.