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De Hausmeischda 2010

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    Good evening.
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    What has become of our beautiful Saturday night?
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    We used to sit at home,
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    the bells started chiming at 6,
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    then we had a bath in dad's dirty water.,
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    5 people ate one chicken.
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    Nowadays it's the other way round: I eat 5 chickens.
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    I am trying to lose weight. I'm doing something.
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    I mean, it takes some time.
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    I didn't eat everything in one day.
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    You have to see where you are.
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    You can't turn an elephant into a gazelle, that's not possible.
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    But times have changed.
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    Back then, we all sat in front of the TV at 8.15,
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    watching Vico Torriani's "Der goldene Schuss."
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    Explain that to the youngsters.
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    They won't understand.
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    The world is crazy.
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    On New Years' Eve, we were invited.
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    What did they serve? "Flying Buffet."
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    Every 10 minutes, a guy with a frozen smile came
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    with a half empty tray full of strange little pies
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    That lasted all evening - to and fro, to and fro.
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    If you were lucky, you got something.
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    I watched that for half an hour,
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    then I took one of those trays,
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    sat down in a corner,
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    and ate till I was full.
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    That's true.
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    That can't be true.
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    New Years' Eve without frankfurters and sauerkraut is like Christmas without a tree.
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    Sure, it's... Yes, times have changed.
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    You have to cope with that.
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    Now my wife comes because of the cold winter.
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    She wanted to have a wood stove.
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    I told her: "If you like, you can have one."
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    Now she's warm twice: Once when she chops the wood, and once when she burns it.
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    I didn't want to have it.
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    That's how times are changing.
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    You have to see where you are.
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    I mean, it's a good idea to think.
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    Things are getting worse.
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    We are getting poorer - people talk about old-age poverty.
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    We're almost broke now.
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    This year we went on holiday, well last year, we went to the Cannery Islands,
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    we even took our own steaks.
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    We went to the airport, put the thing through that machine thing, and that guy is like:
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    "Is there a steak in there?"
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    I was like: "Sure there's a steak in there."
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    He drives it back again, forth again, and says: "There really is a steak in there."
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    I'm like: "Of course there's a steak in there. I told you there was."
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    I say: "If you drive it through three times more, the meat will be cooked."
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    Things are getting worse.
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    Look...
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    I mean, the thing with those airports, with those controls, it does make sense.
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    I put 5 plastic bottles of old oil into Gerda's bag, into the hand luggage.
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    Because you're not allowed to take any liquids.
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    Gerda comes there. He's controlling. He says:
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    "You'll have to leave that here."
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    Gerda tells me: "I'll have to leave that here."
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    I said: "Give it to him then."
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    Done.
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    I know how to get rid of my stuff.
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    That's the crazy world.
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    It's the same with the electrical stuff, this internet that's coming now.
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    If that goes on, it will urine us all.
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    I don't know where that will end.
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    It's time people go to the barriers.
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    To the barricades.
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    That can't...
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    Look, this wifi.
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    Wifi is your neighbour's entrance key,
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    whether he's home or not.
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    Today, on all those plattering forms... platforms,
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    that "head book" and whatsitsname,
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    you can see who does what with whom and where.
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    But I don't care.
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    But look who's interacting with whom,
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    people you wouldn't think... You know?
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    For example, on Saturdays at 2 p.m. Alcoholics Anonymous meet at St. Johann Market.
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    So if you want to know who drinks, you can have a look.
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    It's all those things.
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    I mean, you need to think today, it doesn't work otherwise.
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    This morning I was shopping in Palatinate, in Pirmasens.
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    We parked in the street, 100 cars. They all got tickets, but we didn't.
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    I left the wipers running.
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    That's cool, eh?
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    No, ideal. You just have to...
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    The kids. It's the same with the kids. Look...
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    This week they got their report cards.
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    My little niece comes home, throws the report card on her mother's table, saying: "Here you are.
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    There's nothing on TV, and I'm sick of my Playstation. So."
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    Everything has been said.
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    That's the attitude.
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    One day we took her with us on a birthday,
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    Aunt Emmy had a milestone birthday.
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    We were having dinner. Then she says to Aunt Emmy:
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    "Aunt Emmy, you've got a noodle on your tit."
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    Her mother is like:
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    "How do you say that?"
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    "Noodlés."
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    That's how far we've got.
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    She asks her friend: "Do you pray before dinner?"
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    The friend answers: "No, my ma cooks well."
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    That's the way the kids are today.
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    In our house, there are some weird folks...
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    This week, the little boy is in the garden, shouting:
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    "Daddy, daddy!" He comes down, scolding the boy.
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    "Daddy, you're always scolding, you're always quarreling with mummy. Why did you marry in the first place?"
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    "Because of you idiot."
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    That's the way it is.
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    Today, with all this XXL... Look...
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    If I went into one of those XXL restaurants, people would say:
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    "Typical."
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    I wouldn't go inside.
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    If I went there, I'd be embarrassed.
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    There's one of those corner rails beside me, one of those roof battens, 190 x 130 cm,
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    eating a square meter of schnitzel,
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    and I watch him get full. I wouldn't be able to eat half of it.
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    You can't make it.
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    When you're done, the best before date has expired.
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    And he eats salad and fries, too.
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    One day I was in a pub with a friend, and I said:
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    "Listen, would you make one of those XXL schnitzels for me, like on TV? A real one?"
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    He says: "No problem." He goes into the kitchen.
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    Suddenly there was a rattling and clanging... I thought: What's he doing there?
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    I went to have a look. We was beating the piece of meat.
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    He hit it so hard.
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    He went on it with a ten-pound hammer.
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    I was like: "What are you doing?"
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    "Well, you wanted an XXL schntizel."
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    I was like: "Yeah."
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    He was like: "Now it's worth €9. Do you want me to hit it till it's €12, or is it large enough?"
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    That's the way.
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    Makes you go mad, right?
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    I always say: If you want to get upset, do it properly.
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    Decently.
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    First the bell rang horribly.
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    Then I crawled out of bed slowly.
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    I looked out of the window,
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    the weather was lousy.
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    I would have loved to shout out loud.
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    But I had to go through this rain
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    to catch my bus.
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    I come to work, soaking wet.
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    The day is over for me.
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    Man, that makes you angry.
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    Next time I'll stay at home.
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    I'll close the door behind me.
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    I'm sick of it, leave me alone.
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    Then at work, shortly before lunch break,
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    my colleague drops a wrench.
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    It falls on my foot,
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    that hurt.
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    I knew, I'd get a bruise.
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    Then in the cafeteria,
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    I sit down to eat.
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    Turning towards my neighbour,
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    he clumsily steps no my toes.
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    Man, that makes you angry.
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    Next time I'll stay at home.
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    I'll close the door behind me.
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    I'm sick of it, leave me alone.
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    At five the horn goes. Let's go home.
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    Alfons comes at 6, we want to go bowling.
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    The bus is full, you're almost pushed to death,
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    they push from front and back till you almost choke.
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    I'm hanging in the middle.
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    When I see my stop,
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    I want to get out of the door,
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    I'm pushing, but I can't get out.
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    Man, that makes you angry.
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    Next time I'll stay at home.
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    I'll close the door behind me.
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    I'm sick of it, leave me alone.
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    When I finally get out,
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    Edeltraud called.
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    She tells me to come over,
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    someone called.
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    Gerda, my wife, is coming home from her health regime.
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    I'm supposed to go to the station,
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    she's said to come at 7.
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    She's hardly home,
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    there hadn been no time for cleaning,
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    I think: Shit, now she starts.
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    I run out of the door, shouting across the street:
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    Leave me alone, wife, I'm upset.
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    I won't go home today.
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    I'm going for a drink, I want to be left alone.
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    Bite me, you in particular.
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    Man, that makes you upset.
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    Next time I'll stay at home.
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    I'll close the door behind me.
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    I'm sick of it, leave me alone.
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    Man, that makes you upset.
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    Next time I'll stay at home.
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    I'll close the door behind me.
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    I'm sick of it, leave me alone.
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    Thank you. Allez hopp!
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    Thank you.
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    Thank you.
Title:
De Hausmeischda 2010
Description:

Willi Jost als "De Hausmeischda" ist ein saarländisches Original und ein genialer Comedian und Mundart-Kabarettist. Hier sein Auftritt vom 06.02.10 aus der Saarbrücker Saarlandhalle bei der Karnevalssitzung der "Mir sin nitt so" Seine Webseite: www.dehausmeischda.de
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Video Language:
German
Duration:
10:52
fosflor added a translation

English subtitles

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