Good evening.
What has become of our beautiful Saturday night?
We used to sit at home,
the bells started chiming at 6,
then we had a bath in dad's dirty water.,
5 people ate one chicken.
Nowadays it's the other way round: I eat 5 chickens.
I am trying to lose weight. I'm doing something.
I mean, it takes some time.
I didn't eat everything in one day.
You have to see where you are.
You can't turn an elephant into a gazelle, that's not possible.
But times have changed.
Back then, we all sat in front of the TV at 8.15,
watching Vico Torriani's "Der goldene Schuss."
Explain that to the youngsters.
They won't understand.
The world is crazy.
On New Years' Eve, we were invited.
What did they serve? "Flying Buffet."
Every 10 minutes, a guy with a frozen smile came
with a half empty tray full of strange little pies
That lasted all evening - to and fro, to and fro.
If you were lucky, you got something.
I watched that for half an hour,
then I took one of those trays,
sat down in a corner,
and ate till I was full.
That's true.
That can't be true.
New Years' Eve without frankfurters and sauerkraut is like Christmas without a tree.
Sure, it's... Yes, times have changed.
You have to cope with that.
Now my wife comes because of the cold winter.
She wanted to have a wood stove.
I told her: "If you like, you can have one."
Now she's warm twice: Once when she chops the wood, and once when she burns it.
I didn't want to have it.
That's how times are changing.
You have to see where you are.
I mean, it's a good idea to think.
Things are getting worse.
We are getting poorer - people talk about old-age poverty.
We're almost broke now.
This year we went on holiday, well last year, we went to the Cannery Islands,
we even took our own steaks.
We went to the airport, put the thing through that machine thing, and that guy is like:
"Is there a steak in there?"
I was like: "Sure there's a steak in there."
He drives it back again, forth again, and says: "There really is a steak in there."
I'm like: "Of course there's a steak in there. I told you there was."
I say: "If you drive it through three times more, the meat will be cooked."
Things are getting worse.
Look...
I mean, the thing with those airports, with those controls, it does make sense.
I put 5 plastic bottles of old oil into Gerda's bag, into the hand luggage.
Because you're not allowed to take any liquids.
Gerda comes there. He's controlling. He says:
"You'll have to leave that here."
Gerda tells me: "I'll have to leave that here."
I said: "Give it to him then."
Done.
I know how to get rid of my stuff.
That's the crazy world.
It's the same with the electrical stuff, this internet that's coming now.
If that goes on, it will urine us all.
I don't know where that will end.
It's time people go to the barriers.
To the barricades.
That can't...
Look, this wifi.
Wifi is your neighbour's entrance key,
whether he's home or not.
Today, on all those plattering forms... platforms,
that "head book" and whatsitsname,
you can see who does what with whom and where.
But I don't care.
But look who's interacting with whom,
people you wouldn't think... You know?
For example, on Saturdays at 2 p.m. Alcoholics Anonymous meet at St. Johann Market.
So if you want to know who drinks, you can have a look.
It's all those things.
I mean, you need to think today, it doesn't work otherwise.
This morning I was shopping in Palatinate, in Pirmasens.
We parked in the street, 100 cars. They all got tickets, but we didn't.
I left the wipers running.
That's cool, eh?
No, ideal. You just have to...
The kids. It's the same with the kids. Look...
This week they got their report cards.
My little niece comes home, throws the report card on her mother's table, saying: "Here you are.
There's nothing on TV, and I'm sick of my Playstation. So."
Everything has been said.
That's the attitude.
One day we took her with us on a birthday,
Aunt Emmy had a milestone birthday.
We were having dinner. Then she says to Aunt Emmy:
"Aunt Emmy, you've got a noodle on your tit."
Her mother is like:
"How do you say that?"
"Noodlés."
That's how far we've got.
She asks her friend: "Do you pray before dinner?"
The friend answers: "No, my ma cooks well."
That's the way the kids are today.
In our house, there are some weird folks...
This week, the little boy is in the garden, shouting:
"Daddy, daddy!" He comes down, scolding the boy.
"Daddy, you're always scolding, you're always quarreling with mummy. Why did you marry in the first place?"
"Because of you idiot."
That's the way it is.
Today, with all this XXL... Look...
If I went into one of those XXL restaurants, people would say:
"Typical."
I wouldn't go inside.
If I went there, I'd be embarrassed.
There's one of those corner rails beside me, one of those roof battens, 190 x 130 cm,
eating a square meter of schnitzel,
and I watch him get full. I wouldn't be able to eat half of it.
You can't make it.
When you're done, the best before date has expired.
And he eats salad and fries, too.
One day I was in a pub with a friend, and I said:
"Listen, would you make one of those XXL schnitzels for me, like on TV? A real one?"
He says: "No problem." He goes into the kitchen.
Suddenly there was a rattling and clanging... I thought: What's he doing there?
I went to have a look. We was beating the piece of meat.
He hit it so hard.
He went on it with a ten-pound hammer.
I was like: "What are you doing?"
"Well, you wanted an XXL schntizel."
I was like: "Yeah."
He was like: "Now it's worth €9. Do you want me to hit it till it's €12, or is it large enough?"
That's the way.
Makes you go mad, right?
I always say: If you want to get upset, do it properly.
Decently.
First the bell rang horribly.
Then I crawled out of bed slowly.
I looked out of the window,
the weather was lousy.
I would have loved to shout out loud.
But I had to go through this rain
to catch my bus.
I come to work, soaking wet.
The day is over for me.
Man, that makes you angry.
Next time I'll stay at home.
I'll close the door behind me.
I'm sick of it, leave me alone.
Then at work, shortly before lunch break,
my colleague drops a wrench.
It falls on my foot,
that hurt.
I knew, I'd get a bruise.
Then in the cafeteria,
I sit down to eat.
Turning towards my neighbour,
he clumsily steps no my toes.
Man, that makes you angry.
Next time I'll stay at home.
I'll close the door behind me.
I'm sick of it, leave me alone.
At five the horn goes. Let's go home.
Alfons comes at 6, we want to go bowling.
The bus is full, you're almost pushed to death,
they push from front and back till you almost choke.
I'm hanging in the middle.
When I see my stop,
I want to get out of the door,
I'm pushing, but I can't get out.
Man, that makes you angry.
Next time I'll stay at home.
I'll close the door behind me.
I'm sick of it, leave me alone.
When I finally get out,
Edeltraud called.
She tells me to come over,
someone called.
Gerda, my wife, is coming home from her health regime.
I'm supposed to go to the station,
she's said to come at 7.
She's hardly home,
there hadn been no time for cleaning,
I think: Shit, now she starts.
I run out of the door, shouting across the street:
Leave me alone, wife, I'm upset.
I won't go home today.
I'm going for a drink, I want to be left alone.
Bite me, you in particular.
Man, that makes you upset.
Next time I'll stay at home.
I'll close the door behind me.
I'm sick of it, leave me alone.
Man, that makes you upset.
Next time I'll stay at home.
I'll close the door behind me.
I'm sick of it, leave me alone.
Thank you. Allez hopp!
Thank you.