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When I'm having sex with a partner it's really different than when I'm having sex with a date.
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When I'm having sex with a partner it's similar to when anyone from any other profession has sex with their partner.
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But when I'm doing it for work, there's a different connotation there, and that's work.
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As a sex worker, you need to know as my partner that sometimes my work conditions aren't amazing,
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you know, sometimes I'm working in places that are illegal, or not set up properly, or you know
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in some kind of situation that is , you know, doing my head in,
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and when I come home and I winge to you about it, I need you to be supportive.
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And like, if I was coming home and winging because a child care centre wasn't being run properly,
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you would understand that there is a social justice element in me wanting to change that,
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and the same is about sex work.
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Don't tell me to stop working, don't tell me that's the way it is because I'm a hooker.
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I'm trying to change things and I need you to just point blank support that.
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I just want you to know that even though in my profession, my job, that I am creating these intimate moments with clients,
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that that would never ever replace any type of intimate moment or intimate connection with you.
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You need to understand that at work I'm empowered and not a victim of the patriarchy or perpetuating patriarchal ideals.
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It's not ok for you to tell other people that I'm a sex worker just to shock them or because it's cool, or to get activist credit or for any reason.
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I'm the one who should tell people what I do for a living.
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I really appreciate when I come home from a call and you ask me how it was and how I'm feeling,
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and I really appreciate when you don't judge and help with some of the rituals and the things I need
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to take my skin back and to feel away from the call and from work.
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I'm often participating in sex worker only space, and we set up that space as sex workers as a safe space,
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and I want you to not feel as though you have right to access that space purely because you're close to me.
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You need to recognize the many reasons why sex workers, and I, have the need for those spaces
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and recognize also that being close to me, as a sex worker, doesn't give you that entitlement.
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My real name versus my work name are different and they're separate for a reason.
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So to not confuse work names and real names, you know, even if it's playful.
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Everybody's limits around that are gonna be different, but you know for me it's a hard line.
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Fucking men for money doesn't make me less queer.
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Thank you for understanding that if I don't answer that phone when it rings, people don't call back.
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So I need to take calls when they come in, and I know that that can really put a damper on our life,
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to be in the middle of things and all of a sudden the phone rings and all of a sudden I'm in my other persona,
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and thank you very much for putting up with it.
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What I want the partners of sex workers to know, if their partner is seeing, um you know, clients with HIV, is that
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quite often your partner has gone through a lot of work to, you know, be ok, and to hone their practice to be safe.
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Um, you need to trust your partner,
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and you also need to be I think honest about your concerns
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because quite often a sex worker who does see people with HIV has really worked through a lot of those issues
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and overcome a lot of the messages that, you know, we are sent constantly, you know, by the community.
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So, overcoming those sex work-negative messages in ourselves has taken a lot of work,
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so it's going to take a lot of work for somebody who hasn't had to ask themselves those questions.
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It's a journey that we've gone through, um, and, you know, you may not have been there for that journey,
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but, you know, we'd like to tell you about it, and we'd like you to be ok with it.
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If you wanted me to continue to work, you had to be honest with me about if you can handle that or not.
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Don't make me demonize my clients just to pander to your insecurities.
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Um, I know that it can sometimes be hard for you to deal with the idea of me sleeping with somebody else,
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but I am not going to lie about what a good time I had a work just to make you feel better.
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A lot of time I go to work and I have incredible sexual experiences and I see clients where we have the most amazing connection.
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Actually a lot of the time the sex that I have with clients is different than the sex than I have with you only because you're different people,
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not because they pay me for it.
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I wanna support you and I want to help you be ok,
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but I can't do that if it means that I have to lie about how much I enjoy my job.
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I really appreciate the fact that you've never asked me to stop working.
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I don't think you really understand what my work means to me, but um, you do realize that it's something very important to me,
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and so I appreciate that about you and about our relationship.
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I want you to know no matter how many times I say yes to an appointment, yes to my clients, or
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yes to certain sex acts with my clients,
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I still have the right to say no to you.
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I understand that when you are dating someone who has mental illness issues and is a sex worker,
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it's really easy to get concerned with them about sex work.
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That is, what's often, it's often thought that sex workers are degraded, are fucked up by the work they do,
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and sometimes I know it seems like I do work in ways that are destructive to me,
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and when I have a mental illness it's easy to want to protect me around that stuff,
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but I want you to trust that I know what I'm doing and that ways that I'm doing work that might seem like self harm to you,
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are things that I've thought out and are actually harm reduction to me.
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Let me cry when work is tough
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and let me rant when I wanna have conversations with clients and it turns out that they are super oppressive and racist,
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and I have to come home to you to have those conversations.
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We are all raised with a lot of internalized whorephobia about sex workers,
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and from a very young age we're fed a lot of concepts about sex workers that are very violent and also very misrepresenting.
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If you're lucky enough to be dating a sex worker,
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you need to understand that being close to a sex worker isn't gonna be enough for you to undo those ideas.
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You actively have to seek out resources and books and information and other support
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for you to start undoing the socialized ideas you have about sex workers in your mind
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because it's not going to happen without you actively doing that work.
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If you're close to a sex worker, then doing that work is your responsibility.
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I need you to know that even though you know my history and you know that part of my identity is being a survivor of sexual abuse,
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and another part of my identity is being a sex worker,
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that the two aren't related and there is no cause between them in my mind,
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and that it's actually not your place to make that link or ever bring it up as a way of discrediting my choice of profession.
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They're two totally different parts of my identity to me, and I need you to respect that.
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I want you to know that I chose you,
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and that the intimacy and love that we share makes everything else that I do possible.
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You didn't understand that it was work, and that it wasn't really about me looking for something that you couldn't give me.
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It was just about me trying to pay my rent and trying to make my own way.
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I wish that you could've just taken some time to talk to me about it.
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I want you to know that it's ok to not be shiny happy with me being a sex worker all of the time,
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because loving a sex worker can be really hard.
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Especially, you know, if you've never even known a sex worker before.
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But that the important thing is to communicate how you're feeling and not to bottle it up.
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So, it's ok if you're feeling a bit insecure or a bit sad or if you wanna ask questions,
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but it's not ok to lash out at me and to tell me to stop working or that what I'm doing is wrong.
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Sex work is work.
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I previously thought that being in this line of work that I would be undateable, um,
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and that it would be hard to find anyone who understands and still loves, knowing that I do sex work.
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So I want to say thank you to my lover who is also an escort and a sex worker too.
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