0:00:00.088,0:00:08.249 [MUSIC...] 0:00:09.480,0:00:14.440 When I'm having sex with a partner it's really different than when I'm having sex with a date. 0:00:14.440,0:00:19.440 When I'm having sex with a partner it's similar to when anyone from any other profession has sex with their partner. 0:00:19.440,0:00:23.955 But when I'm doing it for work, there's a different connotation there, and that's work. 0:00:24.186,0:00:30.480 As a sex worker, you need to know as my partner that sometimes my work conditions aren't amazing, 0:00:30.526,0:00:35.560 you know, sometimes I'm working in places that are illegal, or not set up properly, or you know 0:00:35.560,0:00:39.280 in some kind of situation that is , you know, doing my head in, 0:00:39.280,0:00:42.487 and when I come home and I winge to you about it, I need you to be supportive. 0:00:42.487,0:00:46.040 And like, if I was coming home and winging because a child care centre wasn't being run properly, 0:00:46.040,0:00:50.800 you would understand that there is a social justice element in me wanting to change that, 0:00:50.800,0:00:52.277 and the same is about sex work. 0:00:52.277,0:00:55.880 Don't tell me to stop working, don't tell me that's the way it is because I'm a hooker. 0:00:55.880,0:01:01.640 I'm trying to change things and I need you to just point blank support that. 0:01:01.640,0:01:07.360 I just want you to know that even though in my profession, my job, that I am creating these intimate moments with clients, 0:01:07.360,0:01:12.797 that that would never ever replace any type of intimate moment or intimate connection with you. 0:01:13.028,0:01:23.643 You need to understand that at work I'm empowered and not a victim of the patriarchy or perpetuating patriarchal ideals. 0:01:24.692,0:01:35.889 It's not ok for you to tell other people that I'm a sex worker just to shock them or because it's cool, or to get activist credit or for any reason. 0:01:36.858,0:01:41.369 I'm the one who should tell people what I do for a living. 0:01:42.000,0:01:47.600 I really appreciate when I come home from a call and you ask me how it was and how I'm feeling, 0:01:47.600,0:01:54.040 and I really appreciate when you don't judge and help with some of the rituals and the things I need 0:01:54.040,0:01:59.228 to take my skin back and to feel away from the call and from work. 0:01:59.366,0:02:06.800 I'm often participating in sex worker only space, and we set up that space as sex workers as a safe space, 0:02:06.800,0:02:16.129 and I want you to not feel as though you have right to access that space purely because you're close to me. 0:02:17.052,0:02:25.683 You need to recognize the many reasons why sex workers, and I, have the need for those spaces 0:02:25.822,0:02:33.388 and recognize also that being close to me, as a sex worker, doesn't give you that entitlement. 0:02:33.634,0:02:37.520 My real name versus my work name are different and they're separate for a reason. 0:02:37.520,0:02:43.480 So to not confuse work names and real names, you know, even if it's playful. 0:02:43.480,0:02:48.425 Everybody's limits around that are gonna be different, but you know for me it's a hard line. 0:02:48.840,0:02:51.397 Fucking men for money doesn't make me less queer. 0:02:51.520,0:02:57.520 Thank you for understanding that if I don't answer that phone when it rings, people don't call back. 0:02:57.520,0:03:02.849 So I need to take calls when they come in, and I know that that can really put a damper on our life, 0:03:02.849,0:03:08.082 to be in the middle of things and all of a sudden the phone rings and all of a sudden I'm in my other persona, 0:03:08.082,0:03:10.991 and thank you very much for putting up with it. 0:03:11.452,0:03:19.440 What I want the partners of sex workers to know, if their partner is seeing, um you know, clients with HIV, is that 0:03:19.440,0:03:26.800 quite often your partner has gone through a lot of work to, you know, be ok, and to hone their practice to be safe. 0:03:26.800,0:03:29.640 Um, you need to trust your partner, 0:03:29.640,0:03:31.018 and you also need to be I think honest about your concerns 0:03:31.218,0:03:38.776 because quite often a sex worker who does see people with HIV has really worked through a lot of those issues 0:03:38.776,0:03:43.922 and overcome a lot of the messages that, you know, we are sent constantly, you know, by the community. 0:03:44.722,0:03:49.040 So, overcoming those sex work-negative messages in ourselves has taken a lot of work, 0:03:49.594,0:03:54.831 so it's going to take a lot of work for somebody who hasn't had to ask themselves those questions. 0:03:54.831,0:03:59.902 It's a journey that we've gone through, um, and, you know, you may not have been there for that journey, 0:03:59.978,0:04:05.487 but, you know, we'd like to tell you about it, and we'd like you to be ok with it. 0:04:05.955,0:04:12.360 If you wanted me to continue to work, you had to be honest with me about if you can handle that or not. 0:04:14.683,0:04:20.594 Don't make me demonize my clients just to pander to your insecurities. 0:04:20.671,0:04:26.040 Um, I know that it can sometimes be hard for you to deal with the idea of me sleeping with somebody else, 0:04:26.040,0:04:33.000 but I am not going to lie about what a good time I had a work just to make you feel better. 0:04:33.000,0:04:41.040 A lot of time I go to work and I have incredible sexual experiences and I see clients where we have the most amazing connection. 0:04:41.040,0:04:47.677 Actually a lot of the time the sex that I have with clients is different than the sex than I have with you only because you're different people, 0:04:47.708,0:04:50.880 not because they pay me for it. 0:04:50.880,0:04:54.320 I wanna support you and I want to help you be ok, 0:04:54.320,0:04:57.520 but I can't do that if it means that I have to lie about how much I enjoy my job. 0:04:58.043,0:05:01.120 I really appreciate the fact that you've never asked me to stop working. 0:05:01.120,0:05:12.160 I don't think you really understand what my work means to me, but um, you do realize that it's something very important to me, 0:05:12.160,0:05:16.314 and so I appreciate that about you and about our relationship. 0:05:16.760,0:05:24.320 I want you to know no matter how many times I say yes to an appointment, yes to my clients, or 0:05:24.320,0:05:27.360 yes to certain sex acts with my clients, 0:05:27.360,0:05:30.080 I still have the right to say no to you. 0:05:30.695,0:05:38.640 I understand that when you are dating someone who has mental illness issues and is a sex worker, 0:05:38.640,0:05:43.400 it's really easy to get concerned with them about sex work. 0:05:43.400,0:05:51.560 That is, what's often, it's often thought that sex workers are degraded, are fucked up by the work they do, 0:05:51.560,0:05:57.160 and sometimes I know it seems like I do work in ways that are destructive to me, 0:05:57.160,0:06:02.440 and when I have a mental illness it's easy to want to protect me around that stuff, 0:06:02.440,0:06:10.680 but I want you to trust that I know what I'm doing and that ways that I'm doing work that might seem like self harm to you, 0:06:10.680,0:06:15.771 are things that I've thought out and are actually harm reduction to me. 0:06:16.440,0:06:21.200 Let me cry when work is tough 0:06:21.200,0:06:32.960 and let me rant when I wanna have conversations with clients and it turns out that they are super oppressive and racist, 0:06:32.960,0:06:36.600 and I have to come home to you to have those conversations. 0:06:36.600,0:06:41.280 We are all raised with a lot of internalized whorephobia about sex workers, 0:06:41.280,0:06:48.480 and from a very young age we're fed a lot of concepts about sex workers that are very violent and also very misrepresenting. 0:06:48.480,0:06:51.320 If you're lucky enough to be dating a sex worker, 0:06:51.320,0:06:56.240 you need to understand that being close to a sex worker isn't gonna be enough for you to undo those ideas. 0:06:56.240,0:07:02.440 You actively have to seek out resources and books and information and other support 0:07:02.440,0:07:07.640 for you to start undoing the socialized ideas you have about sex workers in your mind 0:07:07.640,0:07:11.078 because it's not going to happen without you actively doing that work. 0:07:11.078,0:07:15.440 If you're close to a sex worker, then doing that work is your responsibility. 0:07:15.440,0:07:23.353 I need you to know that even though you know my history and you know that part of my identity is being a survivor of sexual abuse, 0:07:23.430,0:07:26.992 and another part of my identity is being a sex worker, 0:07:27.038,0:07:32.520 that the two aren't related and there is no cause between them in my mind, 0:07:32.520,0:07:41.480 and that it's actually not your place to make that link or ever bring it up as a way of discrediting my choice of profession. 0:07:41.480,0:07:48.000 They're two totally different parts of my identity to me, and I need you to respect that. 0:07:48.000,0:07:51.760 I want you to know that I chose you, 0:07:51.760,0:07:57.034 and that the intimacy and love that we share makes everything else that I do possible. 0:07:57.280,0:08:03.000 You didn't understand that it was work, and that it wasn't really about me looking for something that you couldn't give me. 0:08:03.000,0:08:08.480 It was just about me trying to pay my rent and trying to make my own way. 0:08:08.480,0:08:15.491 I wish that you could've just taken some time to talk to me about it. 0:08:15.491,0:08:21.080 I want you to know that it's ok to not be shiny happy with me being a sex worker all of the time, 0:08:21.080,0:08:23.480 because loving a sex worker can be really hard. 0:08:23.480,0:08:27.720 Especially, you know, if you've never even known a sex worker before. 0:08:27.720,0:08:31.440 But that the important thing is to communicate how you're feeling and not to bottle it up. 0:08:31.794,0:08:36.628 So, it's ok if you're feeling a bit insecure or a bit sad or if you wanna ask questions, 0:08:36.689,0:08:41.880 but it's not ok to lash out at me and to tell me to stop working or that what I'm doing is wrong. 0:08:41.880,0:08:43.858 Sex work is work. 0:08:45.212,0:08:51.600 I previously thought that being in this line of work that I would be undateable, um, 0:08:51.600,0:08:57.649 and that it would be hard to find anyone who understands and still loves, knowing that I do sex work. 0:08:57.649,0:09:03.455 So I want to say thank you to my lover who is also an escort and a sex worker too. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [MUSIC...]