Why we all need to practice emotional first aid | Guy Winch | TEDxLinnaeusUniversity
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0:09 - 0:12I grew up with my identical twin,
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0:12 - 0:15who was an incredibly loving brother.
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0:15 - 0:20Now, one thing about being a twin
is it makes you an expert -
0:20 - 0:22at spotting favoritism.
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0:23 - 0:28If his cookie was even slightly bigger
than my cookie, I had questions. -
0:29 - 0:31And clearly I wasn't starving.
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0:33 - 0:35(Laughter)
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0:35 - 0:37When I became a psychologist,
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0:37 - 0:40I began to notice favoritism
of a different kind. -
0:41 - 0:46And that is how much more
we value the body than we do the mind. -
0:46 - 0:51I spent nine years at University
earning my doctorate in Psychology, -
0:52 - 0:57and I can't tell you how many people
look at my business card and say, -
0:57 - 1:00"Oh, a psychologist,
so not a real doctor." -
1:03 - 1:05As if it should say that on my card.
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1:06 - 1:08(Laughter)
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1:09 - 1:14This favoritism we show
the body over the mind, -
1:14 - 1:15I see it everywhere.
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1:16 - 1:18I recently was at a friends' house,
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1:18 - 1:21and their five-year-old
was getting ready for bed. -
1:21 - 1:24He was standing on a stool
by the sink brushing his teeth, -
1:24 - 1:28when he slipped, and scratched his leg
on the stool when he fell. -
1:28 - 1:31He cried for a minute,
but then he got back up, -
1:31 - 1:35got back on the stool
and reached out for a box of Band-Aids -
1:35 - 1:37to put one on his cut.
-
1:38 - 1:41Now this kid could barely
tie his shoelaces, -
1:41 - 1:46but he knew you have to cover a cut,
so it doesn't become infected, -
1:46 - 1:49and you have to care for your teeth
by brushing twice a day. -
1:49 - 1:53We all know how to maintain
our physical health -
1:53 - 1:56and how to practice dental hygiene, right?
-
1:56 - 1:59We've known it
since we were five years old. -
1:59 - 2:04But what do we know about maintaining
our psychological health? -
2:04 - 2:06Well, nothing.
-
2:06 - 2:10What do we teach our children
about emotional hygiene? -
2:11 - 2:12Nothing.
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2:13 - 2:16How is it we spend more time
-
2:16 - 2:19taking care our teeth
than we do our minds? -
2:20 - 2:25Why is it our physical health
is so much more important to us -
2:25 - 2:28than our psychological health?
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2:28 - 2:31You know we sustain psychological injuries
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2:31 - 2:33even more often than we do physical ones.
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2:33 - 2:37Injuries like failure or rejection,
or loneliness, -
2:37 - 2:40and they can also
get worse if we ignore them. -
2:40 - 2:43And they can impact our lives
in dramatic ways. -
2:43 - 2:48And yet, even though there are
scientifically proven techniques -
2:48 - 2:53we could use to treat these kinds
of psychological injuries, we don't. -
2:53 - 2:57It doesn't even occur to us
that we should. -
2:57 - 3:02"Oh, you're feeling depressed,
just shake it off, it's all in your head." -
3:02 - 3:05Can you imagine saying that
to somebody with a broken leg, -
3:05 - 3:08"Just walk it off, it's all in your leg."
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3:08 - 3:10(Laughter)
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3:10 - 3:15It is time we close the gap between
our physical and our psychological health. -
3:15 - 3:18It's time we made them more equal.
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3:18 - 3:21More like twins.
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3:21 - 3:25Speaking of which,
my brother is also a psychologist. -
3:25 - 3:28So he's not a real doctor, either.
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3:28 - 3:30(Laughter)
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3:30 - 3:32We didn't study together, though.
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3:32 - 3:36In fact, the hardest thing I've ever done
in my life -
3:36 - 3:39is move across the Atlantic
to New York city -
3:39 - 3:42to get my doctorate in psychology.
-
3:42 - 3:45We were apart then,
for the first time in our lives, -
3:45 - 3:48and the separation
was brutal for both of us. -
3:48 - 3:52But while he remained
among family and friends, -
3:52 - 3:54I was alone in a new country.
-
3:54 - 3:56We missed each other terribly,
-
3:56 - 3:59but international phone calls
were really expensive then, -
3:59 - 4:04and we could only afford
to speak for 5 minutes a week. -
4:05 - 4:06When our birthday rolled around,
-
4:06 - 4:09it was the first
we wouldn't be spending together, -
4:09 - 4:10we decide to splurge,
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4:10 - 4:14and that week
we would talk for ten minutes. -
4:14 - 4:16I spent the morning pacing around my room,
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4:16 - 4:18waiting for him to call,
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4:18 - 4:20and waiting,
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4:20 - 4:22and waiting,
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4:22 - 4:24but the phone didn't ring.
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4:24 - 4:26Given the time difference, I assumed
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4:26 - 4:29"OK, he's out with friends,
he will call later." -
4:29 - 4:31There were no cell phones then.
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4:31 - 4:33But he didn't.
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4:33 - 4:38And I began to realize,
after being away for over ten months, -
4:38 - 4:41he no longer missed me
the way I missed him. -
4:42 - 4:45And I knew he would call in the morning,
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4:45 - 4:50but that night was one of the saddest
and longest nights of my life. -
4:51 - 4:53I woke up the next morning,
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4:53 - 4:55I glanced down at the phone,
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4:55 - 4:58and I realized
I had kicked it off the hook -
4:58 - 5:00when pacing the day before.
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5:01 - 5:03I stumbled out of bed,
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5:03 - 5:04I put the phone
back on the receiver, -
5:04 - 5:06and it rang a second later,
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5:06 - 5:09and it was my brother,
and, boy, was he pissed. -
5:09 - 5:12(Laughter)
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5:12 - 5:15It was the saddest and longest
night of his life as well. -
5:15 - 5:18I tried to explain what happened,
but he said, -
5:18 - 5:21"I don't understand,
if you saw I wasn't calling you, -
5:21 - 5:25why didn't you just pick up the phone
and call me?" -
5:25 - 5:27He was right.
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5:27 - 5:29Why didn't I call him?
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5:29 - 5:35I didn't have an answer then,
but I do today, and it's a simple one. -
5:35 - 5:37Loneliness.
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5:38 - 5:42Loneliness creates
a deep psychological wound. -
5:42 - 5:44One that distorts our perceptions
-
5:44 - 5:47and scrambles our thinking,
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5:47 - 5:48It makes us believe
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5:48 - 5:52those around us care much less
than they actually do. -
5:52 - 5:54It makes us really afraid to reach out,
-
5:54 - 5:59because why set yourself up
for rejection and heartache, -
5:59 - 6:02when your heart is already aching
more than you can stand? -
6:02 - 6:06I was in the grips of real loneliness
back then, -
6:06 - 6:08but I was surrounded by people all day,
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6:08 - 6:10so it never occurred to me.
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6:10 - 6:14But loneliness, is defined purely,
subjectively. -
6:15 - 6:18It depends solely on whether you feel
-
6:18 - 6:21emotionally or socially disconnected
from those around you. -
6:21 - 6:23And I did.
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6:24 - 6:26There's a lot research on loneliness
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6:26 - 6:29and all of it is horrifying.
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6:30 - 6:34Loneliness won't just make you miserable,
it will kill you. -
6:34 - 6:35I am not kidding.
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6:35 - 6:39Chronic loneliness increases your
likelihood of an early death -
6:39 - 6:41by 14 percent.
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6:41 - 6:43Fourteen percent.
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6:43 - 6:47Loneliness causes high blood pressure,
high cholesterol, -
6:47 - 6:51it even suppresses
the functioning of your immune system, -
6:51 - 6:55making you vulnerable to all kinds
of illnesses and diseases. -
6:55 - 6:58In fact, scientist have concluded
that taken together, -
6:58 - 7:02chronic loneliness poses
a significant a risk -
7:02 - 7:06for your longterm health and longevity
as cigarette smoking. -
7:07 - 7:11Now, cigarette packs come with warnings
saying, "This could kill you." -
7:11 - 7:13But loneliness doesn't.
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7:13 - 7:15And that's why it's so important
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7:15 - 7:19we prioritize our psychological health.
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7:19 - 7:21That we practice emotional hygiene.
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7:22 - 7:25Because you can't treat
a psychological wound -
7:25 - 7:27if you don't even know you are injured.
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7:27 - 7:29[Pay attention to emotional pain]
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7:29 - 7:31Loneliness isn't the only
psychological wound -
7:31 - 7:34that distorts our perceptions
and misleads us. -
7:34 - 7:36[Failure]
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7:36 - 7:38Failure does that as well.
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7:38 - 7:42I once visited a daycare center
where I saw three toddlers -
7:42 - 7:45play with identical plastic toys.
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7:45 - 7:49You had to slide the red button,
and a cute doggy would pop out. -
7:50 - 7:55One little girl tried pulling
the purple button, then pushing it, -
7:55 - 7:57and then she just sat back
and looked at the box -
7:57 - 7:59with her lower lip trembling.
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7:59 - 8:02The little boy next to her,
watched this happen, -
8:02 - 8:05then turned to his box,
and burst into tears -
8:05 - 8:07without even touching it.
-
8:07 - 8:11Meanwhile, another little girl
tried everything she could think of -
8:11 - 8:13until she slid the red button,
-
8:13 - 8:17the cute doggy popped out,
and she squealed with delight. -
8:17 - 8:21So three toddlers
with identical plastic toys -
8:21 - 8:24but with very different
reactions to failure. -
8:24 - 8:28The first two toddlers were perfectly
capable of sliding a red button. -
8:29 - 8:32The only thing that prevented them
from succeeding -
8:32 - 8:36was their mind tricked them
into believing they could not. -
8:36 - 8:41Now, adults get tricked this way
as well all the time. -
8:41 - 8:45In fact we all have a default set
of feelings and beliefs -
8:46 - 8:50that gets triggered whenever
we encounter frustrations and setbacks. -
8:50 - 8:53Are you aware of how
your mind reacts to failure? -
8:53 - 8:55You need to be.
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8:55 - 8:57Because if your mind tries to convince you
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8:57 - 8:59you're incapable of something
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8:59 - 9:01and you believe it,
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9:01 - 9:04then like those two toddlers,
you'll begin to feel helpless, -
9:04 - 9:08and you'll stop trying too soon
or you won't even try at all. -
9:08 - 9:12And then you will be even more convinced
you can't succeed. -
9:12 - 9:13You see, that's why so many people
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9:13 - 9:16function below their actual potential.
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9:16 - 9:19Because somewhere along the way,
sometimes a single failure -
9:19 - 9:22convinced them they couldn't succeed,
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9:22 - 9:23and they believed it.
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9:23 - 9:26Once we become convinced of something,
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9:26 - 9:29it's very difficult to change our mind.
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9:29 - 9:31I learned that lesson the hard way.
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9:31 - 9:33When I was a teenager with my brother.
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9:33 - 9:37We were driving with friends
down a dark road at night, -
9:37 - 9:38when the police car stopped us.
-
9:38 - 9:42There had been a robbery in the area,
they were looking for suspects. -
9:42 - 9:43The officer approached the car,
-
9:43 - 9:46and he shined his flashlight
on the driver. -
9:46 - 9:49Then on my brother in the front seat,
and then on me. -
9:49 - 9:52And his eyes opened wide, and he said,
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9:52 - 9:54"Where have I seen your face before?"
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9:54 - 9:56(Laughter)
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9:56 - 10:00And I said, "In the front seat."
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10:00 - 10:03(Laughter)
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10:03 - 10:06But that made no sense to him whatsoever.
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10:06 - 10:08So now he thought I was on drugs.
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10:08 - 10:09(Laughter)
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10:09 - 10:11So he drags me out of the car,
he searches me, -
10:11 - 10:14he marches me over to the police car,
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10:14 - 10:17and only when he verified
I don't have a police record, -
10:17 - 10:21could I show him I had a twin
in the front seat. -
10:21 - 10:25But even as we were driving away,
you could see by the look on his face, -
10:25 - 10:28he was convinced
I was getting away with something. -
10:30 - 10:34Our mind is hard to change
once we become convinced. -
10:34 - 10:39So it might be very natural to feel
demoralized and defeated after you fail. -
10:39 - 10:42But you cannot allow yourself
to become convinced you can't succeed. -
10:43 - 10:46You have to fight
feelings of helplessness. -
10:46 - 10:49You have to gain control
over the situation, -
10:49 - 10:53and you have to break this kind
of negative cycle before it begins. -
10:53 - 10:55[Stop emotional bleeding]
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10:55 - 10:57Our minds and our feelings,
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10:57 - 11:01they are not the trustworthy friends
we thought they were. -
11:01 - 11:04They are more like a really moody friend,
-
11:04 - 11:09who can be totally supportive one minute,
and really unpleasant the next. -
11:09 - 11:11I once worked with this woman
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11:11 - 11:15who after 20 years of marriage
and an extremely ugly divorce, -
11:15 - 11:17was finally ready for her first date.
-
11:17 - 11:22She had met this guy online,
he seemed nice and successful, -
11:22 - 11:25and most importantly,
he seemed really into her. -
11:25 - 11:28So she was very excited,
and she bought a new dress, -
11:28 - 11:32and they met at an upscale
New York City bar for a drink. -
11:32 - 11:36Ten minutes into the date,
the man stands up and says, -
11:36 - 11:39"I'm not interested", and walks out.
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11:39 - 11:41[Rejection]
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11:41 - 11:44Rejection is extremely painful.
-
11:44 - 11:46The woman was so hurt,
she could't move. -
11:46 - 11:49All she could do is call a friend.
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11:49 - 11:53And here's what the friend said,
"Well, what do you expect, -
11:53 - 11:57you have big hips,
you have nothing interesting to say, -
11:57 - 12:00why would a handsome,
successful man like that -
12:00 - 12:02ever go out with a loser like you?"
-
12:04 - 12:07Shocking, right,
that a friend could be so cruel. -
12:07 - 12:10But it would be much less shocking
-
12:10 - 12:13if I told you it wasn't
the friend who said that. -
12:13 - 12:16It's what the woman said to herself.
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12:16 - 12:18And that's something we all do.
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12:18 - 12:20Especially after a rejection.
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12:20 - 12:24We all start thinking of all our faults
and all our shortcomings -
12:24 - 12:26what we wish we were,
what we wish we weren't, -
12:26 - 12:27we call ourselves names.
-
12:27 - 12:30Maybe not as harshly,
but we all do it. -
12:30 - 12:34It's interesting that we do, because
our self-esteem is already hurting. -
12:35 - 12:38Why would we want to go
and damage it even further? -
12:38 - 12:41We wouldn't make a physical injury
worse on purpose. -
12:41 - 12:44You wouldn't get a cut on your arm
and decide, -
12:44 - 12:47"Oh, I know, I am going to take a knife
and see how much deeper I can make it." -
12:47 - 12:51But we do that with psychological injuries
all the time. -
12:51 - 12:54Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.
-
12:54 - 12:58Because we don't prioritize
our psychological health. -
12:58 - 12:59We know from dozens of studies,
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12:59 - 13:01that when your self-esteem is lower,
-
13:01 - 13:04you are more vulnerable
to stress and to anxiety, -
13:04 - 13:08that failures and rejections hurt more,
-
13:08 - 13:10and it takes longer to recover from them.
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13:10 - 13:13So when you get rejected,
the first thing you should be doing -
13:13 - 13:16is to revive your self-esteem,
-
13:16 - 13:19not join Fight Club
and beat it into a pulp. -
13:20 - 13:22When you are in emotional pain,
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13:22 - 13:25treat yourself with the same compassion
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13:25 - 13:28you would expect from a truly good friend.
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13:28 - 13:30[Protect your self-esteem]
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13:30 - 13:34We have to catch our unhealthy
psychological habits and change them. -
13:34 - 13:38One of the unhealthiest and most common
is called rumination. -
13:39 - 13:41To ruminate, means to chew over.
-
13:41 - 13:44It's when your boss yells at you,
-
13:44 - 13:47or your professor makes you
feel stupid in class, -
13:47 - 13:49or you have a big fight with a friend,
-
13:49 - 13:53and you just can't stop replaying
the scene in your head for days, -
13:53 - 13:55sometimes for weeks on end.
-
13:55 - 13:58Now ruminating
about upsetting events in this way -
13:58 - 14:02can easily become a habit,
and it's a very costly one. -
14:02 - 14:04Because by spending so much time
-
14:04 - 14:07focused on upsetting
and negative thoughts, -
14:07 - 14:11you are actually putting yourself
at significant risk for developing -
14:11 - 14:14clinical depression, alcoholism,
-
14:14 - 14:17eating disorders
and even cardiovascular disease. -
14:17 - 14:20The problem is, the urge to ruminate
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14:20 - 14:24can feel really strong, really important,
so it's a difficult habit to stop. -
14:25 - 14:27I know this for a fact.
-
14:27 - 14:31Because little over a year ago,
I developed the habit myself. -
14:31 - 14:34You see my twin brother was diagnosed
-
14:34 - 14:37with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
-
14:37 - 14:40His cancer was extremly aggressive,
-
14:40 - 14:43he had visible tumors all over his body.
-
14:44 - 14:47And he had to start a harsh course
of chemotherapy. -
14:48 - 14:53And I couldn't stop thinking
about what he was going through, -
14:53 - 14:56I could't stop thinking
about how much he was suffering. -
14:57 - 15:01Even though he never complained, not once.
-
15:01 - 15:04He had this incredibly positive attitude.
-
15:04 - 15:07His psychological health was amazing.
-
15:07 - 15:11I was physically healthy,
but psychologically I was a mess. -
15:12 - 15:14But I knew what to do.
-
15:14 - 15:17Studies tell us
that even a two minute distraction -
15:17 - 15:21is sufficient to break the urge
to ruminate in that moment. -
15:21 - 15:24And so each time I had a worrying,
upsetting, negative thought, -
15:24 - 15:29I forced myself to concentrate
on something else until the urge passed. -
15:29 - 15:33And within one week,
my whole outlook changed, -
15:33 - 15:36and became more positive
and more hopeful. -
15:37 - 15:39[Battle negative thinking]
-
15:39 - 15:43Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy,
my brother had a CAT scan, -
15:43 - 15:46and I was by his side
when he got the results. -
15:46 - 15:48All the tumors were gone.
-
15:48 - 15:52He still had three more rounds
of chemotherapy to go. -
15:52 - 15:54But we knew he would recover.
-
15:54 - 15:58This picture was taken two weeks ago.
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16:01 - 16:04By taking action when you're lonely,
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16:04 - 16:07by changing your responses to failure,
-
16:07 - 16:09by protecting yourself-esteem,
-
16:09 - 16:12by battling negative thinking,
-
16:12 - 16:15you won't just heal
your psychological wounds, -
16:15 - 16:18you will build emotional resilience,
you will thrive. -
16:20 - 16:24A hundred years ago,
people began practicing personal hygiene. -
16:24 - 16:28And life expectancy rates rose
by over fifty percent -
16:28 - 16:31in just a matter of decades.
-
16:31 - 16:34I believe our quality of life
could rise just as dramatically -
16:34 - 16:38if we all began practicing
emotional hygiene. -
16:39 - 16:42Can you imagine,
what the world would be like -
16:42 - 16:44if everyone was psychologically healthier?
-
16:44 - 16:48If there were less loneliness,
and less depression? -
16:48 - 16:51If people knew how to overcome failure?
-
16:51 - 16:54If they felt better about themselves,
and more empowered? -
16:54 - 16:58if they were happier, and more fulfilled?
-
16:58 - 17:01I can, because that's the world
I want to live in, -
17:02 - 17:06and that's the world
my brother wants to live in as well. -
17:06 - 17:11If you just become informed,
and change a few simple habits, -
17:11 - 17:14well that's the world we can all live in.
-
17:15 - 17:17Thank you very much.
-
17:17 - 17:20(Applause)
- Title:
- Why we all need to practice emotional first aid | Guy Winch | TEDxLinnaeusUniversity
- Description:
-
This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. We have medicine cabinets for common physical injuries like cuts and colds but no toolkits for common psychological injuries such as failure, rejection, guilt, and loss. In his inspirational talk, Guy Winch tells us that “you can’t treat a psychological wound if you don’t know you’re injured”. Guy teaches us a lesson on why it is so important to practice emotional hygiene.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 17:23
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for How to practice emotional hygiene | Guy Winch | TEDxLinnaeusUniversity | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for How to practice emotional hygiene | Guy Winch | TEDxLinnaeusUniversity | ||
TED Translators admin approved English subtitles for How to practice emotional hygiene | Guy Winch | TEDxLinnaeusUniversity | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for How to practice emotional hygiene | Guy Winch | TEDxLinnaeusUniversity | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for How to practice emotional hygiene | Guy Winch | TEDxLinnaeusUniversity | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for How to practice emotional hygiene | Guy Winch | TEDxLinnaeusUniversity | ||
Ivana Korom accepted English subtitles for How to practice emotional hygiene | Guy Winch | TEDxLinnaeusUniversity | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for How to practice emotional hygiene | Guy Winch | TEDxLinnaeusUniversity |