-
It's a Nintoaster. And yes, it works.
-
He's gonna take you back to the past
-
To play the shitty games that suck ass
-
He'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear
-
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer
-
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
-
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
-
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
-
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
-
Are you ready for some action? Some Action 52?
-
I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time, like this one right here.
-
"Action 52. Fuck this game, please do a review of it. You asshole. Thanks."
-
Wow. I guess I gotta do it now.
-
Let's start with the cartridge. It's the freak misfit of the NES library.
-
Games came in gray, black, blue, silver, gold,
-
but clear? You can tell just by looking at it, this is a game that's so bad, it has nothing to hide.
-
Another thing, if you play it for more than an hour, not that you'd want to, it gets really hot and smells like burning plastic.
-
It's not because of the toaster. The same thing happens if you play it in the top-loader.
-
Not only is this game crap, but it's crap that comes with a price: $199.
-
That's a lot of money, but there's 52 games, so let me calculate this.
-
$199 divided by 52 equals...
-
uh...well, you gotta pay tax, too, so let's just say $4 a game.
-
Wow. What a deal! 52 action-packed games bundled into one cartridge? All for an efficient price? It was every kid's dream.
-
More games! More games! Yeah!
-
Lights...
-
Lights...camera...
-
Lights...camera...Action 52! Awww!
-
Where'd they get the music?
-
[hip-hop]
-
Okay, um, the significance? "It Takes Two", Action 52?
-
[GAME] Make your selection now.
-
[AVGN] Well, let's get this thing started. We're gonna have ourselves a little marathon here and determine if the $199 was worth it.
-
Game #1, "Firebreather".
-
Okay, well, it's pretty self-explanatory.
-
And would you know this is the only game on the entire cartridge that's two players only?
-
Gee, which game should we start with? Well, how 'bout the only game you can't play alone?
-
Well, that's $4 wasted already.
-
#2, "Starevil".
-
Who's gonna dodge that?! Nobody! Not the first time!
-
You'd have to know, "Oh, this is gonna be a vertical 2D shooter,"
-
"and there's gonna be an obstacle immediately at the start of the game."
-
That's one way to get you on your toes. Other than that, it's real easy.
-
As long as you keep firing, none of the enemies come anywhere near you.
-
I guess that makes sense. If I was an intergalactic vacuum cleaner getting shot at,
-
I'd be like "Oh, fucking hell! There's a menorah shooting Q-Tips, get outta the way!"
-
Not even the first level boss wants to be involved.
-
Sometimes, it doesn't show up at all, and you're stuck in a dead-end.
-
What happened? Did the game give up? Ugh, that's another $4. Next.
-
#3, "Illuminator".
-
You're not even allowed to see in this game? Real fun idea.
-
For a room that has about a thousand lightbulbs, it sure goes dark a lot.
-
And they're just decoration. Thought you could light a room with a light?
-
No, you gotta kill vampires. But after you've killed one, you only get one second before the room goes dark again.
-
Who wants to play a game that's pitch black?
-
It's so black I can see my reflection in the screen.
-
The question is, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none.
-
And no, you can't go any higher. This is it. Great fucking game.
-
#4, "G-Force Fgt."...what? Or, just "G-Force".
-
It's another 2D shooter.
-
You know what? This would be okay for Atari 2600.
-
The only two controls are move and shoot.
-
This game was made in 1991, the same year Super NES came out.
-
Not to mention, if you want to play a good 2D side-scroller game on the NES, try fuckin' Lifeforce.
-
And what is this anyway? An inside-out dolphin shooting at roadkill toads?
-
I don't know, I'm just using my imagination.
-
That's all you have when you play this miserable pile of goat shit.
-
#5, "Ooze". (sarcasm) Oh, wow! A title screen? Really?
-
(normal) Oh my god, it's...it's...
-
Shitpickle shitpickle shitpickle...
-
Whoa-hoa!
-
...shitpickle shitpickle shitpickle...
-
Whoa!
-
...shitpickle...
-
Pickle!
-
Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shit.
-
Ahahahah.
-
Shitpickle.
-
Alrighty then, okay.
-
Well, this is the first game that uses the B button. For jumping!
-
Any gamer who grew up with Super Mario Bros. expects A to jump.
-
But that's the least of our worries.
-
To jump over a hole, you have to tap the B button and then press over.
-
If you're holding the B button like you normally would, it locks you vertically, until you let go.
-
It's an anomaly of game programming.
-
You know what's really weird? Whenever you restart the menu, it always starts at Ooze.
-
Is that the programmers' personal recommendation? Well, so far, every one of these games is a bomb!
-
But out of 52, I'm sure that eventually we'll find one that's decent.
-
I hope!
-
#6, "Silver Sword".
-
Well, green, green, and more green.
-
What is this? A cabbage patch on a golf course? Infested with killer scrotums?
-
This is a disgrace to the NES, the same platform that brought us games like Legend of Zelda. Silver Sword.
-
The sword isn't even silver! Maybe it's corroded.
-
#7, "Critical BP." Or "Crytical Bypass".
-
Oh, now it's spelled with a Y?
-
Ugh, that's dreadful. It's like an optical illusion.
-
Well, that's pretty bad, when the game causes eyestrain and you can't even fucking look at it.
-
What is this, anyway? A pogo ball on a Segway shooting at birthday presents?
-
Ugh, Crytical Bypass! It's critical that you bypass this game!
-
#8, "Jupiter Scope".
-
Nice. Another space shooter.
-
This time you're a dead whale shooting at flaming condoms. That's what it looks like!
-
The screen never moves. It's like Space Invaders, except without many invaders.
-
Half the time, you're just sitting around waiting!
-
Come on, give me something to shoot at!
-
Losing at this game is impossible. Just hold down the fire button and move back and forth.
-
Okay, what's next?
-
#9, "Alfredo". Or, "Alfred n' the Fettuc".
-
Yeah, fettuc! You never heard of fettuc?
-
What happened? Where's the fucking game?
-
[crickets]
-
Well, there's no game here. What happened?
-
Did the programmers pass out, or did they just figure nobody would check all 52 games?
-
Well, that's $4 wasted. But I guess I can't say I'm really too excited over playing a game called Alfredo, also known as "Alfred n' the Fettuc".
-
#10, "Operation Full Moon".
-
Now that's puke green if I ever saw it.
-
The nauseating hue combined with a texture of vomit makes me think that this game ate Silver Sword and barfed it out.
-
#11, "Dam Busters". Those damn busters.
-
Well, it should've been called "Alien Beaver Tomato Fight".
-
That's all it is! You're a beaver shooting tomatoes and navigating through a maze.
-
Oops, dead end.
-
What the shit? You can't go back?! I'm trapped?! You're shitting me!
-
This game is shitting me.
-
#12, "Thrusters".
-
Another space shooter. Well, it's the same game as before, just different graphics.
-
Where do they come up with these objects? I'm running out of imagination here.
-
I can't decipher anything - especially when the game starts having a fucking seizure!
-
#13, "Haunted Hill".
-
Wow, a human being. I can't believe it actually looks like something.
-
Man, her boobs are bigger than her head.
-
It's a shitty side-scroller with the same bad controls as Ooze. Sadly, it's the best game so far.
-
Out of the way, you fucking ghosts, here comes Mrs. Tits, jumping like she's on the moon!
-
Die, you onion face balloon floating, uh...thing!
-
I died? By touching the air?!
-
#14, "Chill Out".
-
I wish I could chill out! This is horrendous!
-
This one's basically an Eskimo snowball massacre. Climb down shits and ladders and throw snowballs.
-
What this? I died in mid-air?! That seems to be a theme we're running into here.
-
This game...doesn't even care it sucks.
-
Gee, how much money did we waste so far? Like, $56, I think?
-
That's already exceeded the average price of a Nintendo game.
-
#15, "Sharks".
-
Yeah. Sharks. Sometimes sharks. Most of the time not.
-
Well, you're stuck on this one screen, but you sure have full rein.
-
You can swim through the ocean floor.
-
And that's all it is. Just hope for sharks to come and...shoot 'em.
-
#16, "Megalonia".
-
Another space shooter?!
-
Flying through McDonald's arches? No thanks!
-
#17, "French Baker".
-
Oh, man! You're a chef and the kitchen is really getting out of hand.
-
Everything's trying to kill you, hoagies, envelopes, and doughnuts.
-
And what do you do? Hit 'em with your rolling pin and don't drop down.
-
You'll disintegrate. That's always nice.
-
#18, "Atmos Quake".
-
Ugh, another space shooter?! I pass.
-
(sigh) I'm only up to #19? Geez...fuck!
-
#19, "Meong".
-
What...the...fuck?!
-
Okay, get this. You move from square to square, hoping that the next square won't make you explode.
-
So, it's like a memory game that can only be done with trial and error. Good lord.
-
#20, "Space Dreams".
-
Oh, my! What's this gonna be?
-
Why, of course! Another space shooter!
-
This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins.
-
Safety pins as enemies in a video game...
-
Where do they come up with this stuff?
-
Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up.
-
Ah, safety pin! That'll be perfect!
-
Next game.
-
#21, "Streemerz".
-
You're a clown climbing up platforms like Spider-Man.
-
Ooh, a rabbit in a hat. What does that do?
-
Nothing at all.
-
A bag of money? How about that?
-
It turns into a green frowning face? Is that supposed to teach you a lesson that taking money is greedy?
-
No, I think I'm reading way too deep into it.
-
Oh, then the game crashes. Good.
-
#22, "Spread Fire".
-
What is this? They should've called this "Shooter Games 52"!
-
This time, you're a lobster. You don't go anywhere, and half the time, there's nothing to shoot at.
-
These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Make a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space.
-
You know what? It's getting old.
-
#23, "Bublgum Rosy". Or, "Bubble Gum Rossie."
-
(sarcasm) Yay! I've always wanted to play a game where I'm a little girl shooting bubbles!
-
(normal) Wait a minute, you can't even kill people? Well, what do you expect? They're bubbles.
-
You can jump on the enemies.
-
Or wait...can you?
-
And falling in spikes...doesn't hurt you. This game...has no rules.
-
#24, "Micro Mike".
-
Wow! Look out, Micro Mike! You're going too fast!
-
Even if you have the quickest reflexes,
-
you'll never be able to avoid the walls or other random objects that stand in your way.
-
If only Micro Mike would slow the fuck down!
-
#25, "Underground".
-
Well, at least it looks like underground.
-
Wait a minute, this guy can fall down 50 feet and survive, but if he touches the mushrooms, he spins around like a bowling pin and dies?
-
And what am I supposed to do here? What do I do?
-
Wow, 25 shitty games...and still going.
-
This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life.
-
Was the whole idea to make so many shitty games that there'd be no more shitty games left to make?
-
Out of all these, there's got to be at least one that's...tolerable.
-
#26, "Rocket Jock". Or, "Rocket Jockey".
-
(sigh) You're a cowboy on a rocket with a lasso. If you actually use the lasso, that would be kind of cool.
-
But I guess they figured they didn't have enough games that shoot.
-
Yeah, kill those cows. Turn them into, uh...a bowl of cereal with a puppy dog.
-
#27, "Non Human".
-
Well, isn't that an appropriate title? Everything about these games are non-human.
-
Except for that very human like face. Or are they aliens? Or what are these for?
-
Other than the faces just being the area where you die, which takes up half the screen.
-
Ugh, you know you're playing a great game when you can't even jump over a hole.
-
Augh, you can try all day, but you'll always fall down into the purple dimension of green faces.
-
#28, "Cry Baby".
-
By now, you'd be crying, so it's like the game is mocking you.
-
Okay, what's wrong with this picture?
-
Baby, adult? Baby, adult?
-
And what about him, huh? What the hell is going on here?
-
Why does the floor look like ice cube trays? What are you attacking with?
-
Why do you die when you fall off the furniture?
-
Why? What? Why?
-
#29, "Slashers".
-
Uh, Slashers? I thought it would be like a horror game.
-
Instead, it's a poor man's version of Double Dragon.
-
Saying that is being extremely generous.
-
It makes Bad Dudes look like a masterpiece.
-
At least the backgrounds change.
-
What are these? Beer steins?
-
You're not even allowed to walk past anybody.
-
When an enemy appears, you stop dead in your tracks and you can't move until you have a punching match to the death.
-
There's zero strategy, you just mash buttons.
-
And what are these, hookers? I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker.
-
You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up.
-
Ungh, ungh, ungh! Die, boob lady! Ugh!
-
#30, "Crazy Shuffle".
-
Could the characters be any smaller? You're a tiny, indescribable object shooting tiny dots at other tiny objects.
-
Sounds like fun? Well, guess what, it isn't.
-
#31, "Fuzz Power".
-
Well, fuzz is right. You're some guy with a big nose, big feet, and lots of fuzz.
-
You roll around fighting blow dryers and hair combs.
-
What's that, popcorn?
-
Oh, no! I'm getting hit! I'm losing my fuzz!
-
Now I'm...naked. Yeah.
-
Whoever came up with this is an asshole!
-
Whoever came up with this is an ass(bleep)!
-
Ass!
-
Hole?
-
Ass(bleep)!
-
Television makes a lot of sense.
-
#32, "Shooting Gallery".
-
The easiest shooting game ever.
-
The targets never disappear until you hit them,
-
there's no time limit, you never run out of ammo,
-
and you can't die. Which means the game will never end.
-
Fortunately, you can go back to the menu by pausing the game and hitting Select.
-
Ugh, except for this game. The one fucking game that doesn't end crashes when you try to quit. Reset.
-
#33, "Lollipops".
-
Are you kidding me? Why not a sword or a machine gun?
-
Who wants a fucking lollipop?
-
How do you climb up a ladder? Wanna take a guess?
-
Pushing Up on the D-pad? No, you jump.
-
Who the hell jumps up a ladder?
-
And you know what? The controls in all these games are so bad, I've forgotten that B is jump and A is attack.
-
I've been playing for so long, I've sort of adapted to its crap factor.
-
I swear, next time I play a regular platformer, I'm gonna try jumping with B.
-
#34, "Evil Empire".
-
Ugh, game sprites so small you need a magnifying glass? That seems to be a theme here, too.
-
Look at that. There's some crazy shit going on over there.
-
I wanna join the party.
-
Oops, dying in mid-air. I can understand dying because you're jumping from too high,
-
but can't they at least make you die when you hit the ground?
-
#35, "Sombreros".
-
Well, I guess you're wearing a sombrero, shooting at vacuum cleaners on the street.
-
Not much to say.
-
I've lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck.
-
I could think of some pretty bad games, like Little Red Hood, that's a horrible game,
-
but at least it's one horrible game, not 52!
-
You know what's more fun than playing Action 52?
-
52-card pickup. You know how you play that?
-
Pick up the cards!
-
#36, "Storm Over the Desert". Ooh, another title screen.
-
So you're an army tank shooting at other army tanks which happen to be pink.
-
Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode.
-
Those pink tanks are fucking pussies.
-
What the hell? A giant Saddam Hussein?
-
How did they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why Saddam?
-
Now I'm getting tired of this. Can someone at least try to kill me?
-
Hey, you! You! Get over here!
-
Ungh! Pause and Select, get me out of here.
-
Well, at least we're in the home stretch. The third and final menu screen.
-
Another thing that gets incredibly annoying, whenever you die or reset,
-
you have to go back to the first menu every single time. So it's hard to keep track where you left off.
-
#37, "Mash Man".
-
Well, Mash Man looks like Fuzz Power with clothes on.
-
Jumping on eyeballs in front of Legoland. Ugh, next game.
-
#38, "They Came". They...came from where?
-
From space? No, that can't be. Ugh, next.
-
#39, "Lazer League". Well, I'm glad they spelled "lazer" with a Z.
-
Because that's how you say it. You don't say "laser".
-
By the way, horizontal 2D space shooter. Next.
-
#40, "Billy Bob".
-
This is different. It's like Indiana Jones, except it's Billy Bob.
-
I'm kind of stunned that this game has some fluent animation here.
-
Of course. I should've learned. In Action 52, you cannot jump down.
-
You will hit the air so hard you will die. You can't jump to the ledge, either.
-
That doesn't work. And if you stand there too long, you die!
-
So, how do you get over? I don't know. Second screen of the game, and it's a dead end.
-
#41, "City of Doom".
-
You're climbing the tallest building in the world, while the tenants throw bowling balls at you.
-
That's it. It goes on...and on...and on.
-
How tall is this building?! It must lead into outer space -
-
Oh, no. Please, please, not space.
-
#42, "Bits and Pieces".
-
Ooh. A monster game. You're a guy in a cemetery jumping over monsters.
-
That's it. You jump...and jump...and jump.
-
You know what would be nice? An attack? Or, how about a health bar?
-
How about anything like a normal fucking game? What were they thinking?
-
#43, "Beeps and Blips".
-
You're a shape shooting at other shapes. What are these? Reject sprites from other video games thrown together?
-
#44, "Manchester".
-
A guy jumping on music boxes punching in the air. I don't get it.
-
#45, "Boss".
-
Who would think Boss means a frog running around with a gun getting ambushed by falling bombs?
-
That's what they should've called it, Bombs.
-
There's no way to avoid them! If you go too early, the bomb gets you. If you go too late, the next one gets you.
-
#46, "Dedant".
-
You're an ant trying to make other ants "Dedants". Like the Pink Panther.
-
(singing the Pink Panther theme) Dedant. Dedant. Dedant, dedant, dedant, dedant.
-
(normal) But if the ants make it to the bottom of the screen, you're fucked.
-
Because you can only move left and right. What makes this ant different from the rest?
-
Oh, it's pink. And anything pink in this game sucks.
-
#47, "Hambo". A pig version of Rambo?
-
No, that would've been too clever. It's just a guy jumping over 8-balls and shit.
-
Or trying to jump over. This is fucking horseshit! How did they fuck up the jumping controls so bad?
-
Have the programmers ever played another video game? Moving on.
-
#48, "Time Warp Tickers".
-
You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard land with upside down doors. What kind of drugs were they on?
-
Was this game even made by a human being?
-
"Time?" When you kill things, it says "Time?"
-
What does that mean? Time to play another fucking game?
-
#49, "Jigsaw".
-
It crashed.
-
Oh, thank god. Next game.
-
#50, "Ninja Assault".
-
Another beat 'em up, if you even call it that.
-
No strategy. You just mash buttons.
-
(imitating game sound effects) Hough! Hough! Hough!
-
#51, "Robbie the Robot".
-
More like "Robbie the Sunglass-Wearing Bart Simpson Look-Alike in a Blue Dress".
-
Guess how this game works? You move to the right and shoot. That's all.
-
Nothing can stop you. You could literally play this game with your eyes closed.
-
Until the second level when there's holes. Now you're screwed.
-
I can't believe they sold this shitfest for $199!
-
That's about how much it costs for a video game console, pretty much.
-
You could take $199, stand on a bridge, and just throw it all away!
-
You'd rather do anything then spend it on a broken down, dysfuctional disaster of video game programming!
-
With games that crash,
-
With games that crash, hideous jumping control,
-
With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters,
-
With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites,
-
a marathon of mediocre space shooters,
-
a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in mid-air,
-
a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in mid-air, problems with proportion,
-
a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in mid-air, problems with proportion, misleading titles,
-
misleading powerups,
-
misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons,
-
misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds,
-
misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies,
-
games you can't win,
-
games you can't win, games you can't lose,
-
games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever,
-
shitty graphics,
-
shitty graphics, shitty music,
-
shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus,
-
shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuckton of other things!
-
It should've been illegal for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price!
-
I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude!
-
Could they have tried making one good game? As opposed to 52 horrible games?
-
Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here.
-
Well, there's one game left, so it has one last chance to redeem itself.
-
Could this be the one that all the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of this shit sundae? We can only hope.
