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My First Kiss

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    This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone but I've been a stud since day one.
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    Girls on the playground couldn't get enough of me.
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    But I always followed the half your age plus seven rule.
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    When I was four years old I dated nine year olds.
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    And the latter part of that sentence is why I can never run for president.
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    On the first day of school in second grade this one girl told me that she thought I was cute and that she liked me.
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    I know! Gross right?
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    I didn't know what to do. I didn't have time for girls.
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    Girls had cooties and were no fun at recess.
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    So what did I do? I led her on so I could take advantage of her lunch.
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    This girl had the best lunch in class. She had lunchables, fruit rollups, fruit by the foot,
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    every day! Yes! Two delicious fruit flavoured snacks in one lunch! That's unprecedented!
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    I was seven, I couldn't let an opportunity like that go.
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    You can probably imagine how unhappy she was when she figured it out.
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    Then something horrible happened. I peaked early.
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    I will never be as cool as I was in elementary school.
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    Somewhere along the way I lost my groove. It's called being a teenager.
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    So being an awkward teenager I
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    naturally had an awkward first kiss.
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    Let me paint the picture.. like Magellan.
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    The girl I was dating at the time had not seen Indiana Jones.
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    That's a red flag, right there. Indiana Jones is an important person in pop culture history.
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    To not have seen one of his movies there must be something wrong with you.
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    Word of advice, you should never date someone who has never seen Indiana Jones.
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    So I invite the girl over to watch Indiana Jones in my basement.
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    I think everyone knows what that really means.
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    Yeah, come over to my house to "Watch a movie".
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    We're sitting right next to each other on the couch? How did that happen?
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    [yawn] Am I tired. Oh you've got something on your face, let me lick it off.
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    Except I didn't make the move. I failed.
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    But then we walked outside of my house and she kissed me.
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    And I was not expecting it at all!
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    I didn't have enough time to kiss her back, so it was more like she kissed me while I had a straight face.
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    That hardly counts as a kiss. It's like kissing a dead person.
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    Hot, but frowned upon.
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    I was so embarrassed that I quickly said goodbye, ran through my house and then laid face down
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    on my bed and regretted what a failure of a person I am.
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    That is actually a memory that I hate.
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    Not hate because it's embarrassing to be but because I loathe it.
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    The relationship did not go well at all
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    It ended so badly that we never even officially broke up.
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    We just stopped talking and then never talked again.
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    The relationship was doomed from the beginning though.
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    I didn't even like her I just wanted a girlfriend.
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    That's a horrible thing for me to do myself but it's much worse for me to do that to another person.
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    You should probably like someone before you date them was a very hard lesson for me to learn.
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    And it was especially hard because it's so obvious.
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    From that I learned I probably shouldn't rush into a relationship.
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    I need to have patience because to me patience is always worth it
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    when looking for a girlfriend.
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    But I think I'm back to my childhood levels of swag now.
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    They say cheesy pickup lines don't work but they have a 100% success rate for me.
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    To be fair, I use them on my girlfriend so I think that skews the data a bit.
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    [music]
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    Yes.
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    I know that Magellan is an explorer, not a painter.
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    Cool your jets before you rush to correct me,
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    it was a joke.
Title:
My First Kiss
Description:

This is the story of my first kiss. It's something I try not to think about, so instead I make a video about it for the whole world to see. You're the king of logic, Zach.

Other Links:

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Podcast: ‪‪‪‪http://nefariousfauxpod.podbean.com‬‬‬



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thatzak

P.O. box 85692

Seattle, WA 98145

United States
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Video Language:
English
Duration:
03:10
Andrew Jackson added a translation

English subtitles

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