WEBVTT

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It is wonderful to be here at the white house correspondence dinner.

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What a week.

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As some of you heard, the state of hawaii released my official long form birth certificate.

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Hopefully, this puts all doubts to rest but just in case there are any lingering questions

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Tonight, I'm prepared to go a step further

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tonight for the first time

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I'm releasing my official birth video

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Now

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I warn you

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no one has seen this footage in 50 years

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not even me

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but uh let's take a look

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oh well back to square one

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I want to make clear to the Fox News Table

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that was a joke that was not my real birth video

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that was a childrens' cartoon. Call Disney if you don't believe me. They have the original long form version.

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Michelle Bachmann is here though, I understand, and she is thinking about running for president

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which is weird because I hear she was born in Canada

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Yes Michelle this is how it starts..just letting you know

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there's a vicious rumour floating around that I think could

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really hurt Mitt Romney

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I heard he passed Universal Healthcare when he was Governor of Massachusetts

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someone should get to the bottom of that and I know

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just the guy to do it..Donald Trump is here tonight

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Now I know that he's taken some flack lately but no one is happier

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no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than the Donald

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And that's because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter

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like did we fake the moon landing?

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what really happened in Roswell?

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and where are Biggie and Tupac?

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All kidding aside, obviously we all know about your credentials and

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breth of experience, for example, uh, no seriously

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Just recently, in an episode of celebrity apprentice

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at the steak house the men's cooking team did not

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impress the judges from Omaha Steaks

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and there was a lot of blame to go around

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but you Mr. Trump recognized that the real problem was a lack of leadership

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and so ultimately you didn't blame little john or meatloaf

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you fired Gary Busey

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and these are the kinds of decisions that would keep me up at night

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well handled sir. well handled.

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say what you will about ..uh, Mr. Trump

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he certainly would bring about some change to the White House

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let's see what we got up there