0:00:00.226,0:00:03.749
[Dring - lift door shuts]

0:00:04.576,0:00:05.838
[Iain] Where's the buttons?

0:00:05.911,0:00:10.187
[Rob] Oh no, they've installed voice-recognition technology in this lift, they have no buttons.

0:00:10.418,0:00:17.664
[Iain] Voice-recognition technology? In a lift? In Scotland? You ever tried voice-recognition technology?

0:00:18.303,0:00:19.326
[Rob] No.

0:00:19.387,0:00:21.349
[Iain] They don't do Scottish accents.

0:00:21.780,0:00:23.818
[Rob] Eleven.

0:00:23.956,0:00:26.508
[VOICE] Could you please repeat that?

0:00:27.724,0:00:29.425
[Iain] Eleven.

0:00:29.701,0:00:32.959
[Rob] Eleven. Eleven.

0:00:32.975,0:00:34.710
[Iain] Eleven.

0:00:34.710,0:00:37.386
[VOICE] Could you please repeat that?

0:00:37.617,0:00:39.502
[Rob] EL-EV-EN.

0:00:39.963,0:00:48.978
[Iain] Whose idea was this? You need to try an American accent. "E-leven. E-leven."

0:00:49.162,0:00:51.185
[Rob] That sounds Irish, not American.

0:00:51.308,0:00:53.969
[Iain] No it doesn't! ELEVEN.

0:00:54.231,0:00:56.131
[Rob] Where in America is that - Dublin?

0:00:56.254,0:00:59.136
[VOICE] I'm sorry. Could you please repeat that?

0:00:59.213,0:01:06.035
[Rob] Try an English accent. "Eelevin! Eelevin!"

0:01:06.820,0:01:09.182
[Iain] You from the same part of England as Dick van Dyke?

0:01:09.182,0:01:11.256
[Rob] Let's hear yours then, smartass.

0:01:11.271,0:01:13.745
[VOICE] Please speak slowly and clearly.

0:01:13.761,0:01:15.905
[Rob] SMARTASS.

0:01:15.905,0:01:17.834
[Iain] Ee-lev-en.

0:01:17.849,0:01:20.662
[VOICE] I'm sorry. Could you please repeat that?

0:01:22.062,0:01:26.424
[Iain] ELEVEN. If you don't understand the lingo, away back home to your own country!

0:01:26.763,0:01:30.405
[Rob] Ooo, it's that talk now, is it, away back home to your own country?

0:01:30.405,0:01:34.019
[Iain] Oh, don't start Mr. Bleeding Heart, how can you be racist to a lift?

0:01:34.265,0:01:37.155
[VOICE] Please speak slowly and clearly.

0:01:37.925,0:01:44.330
[Rob] Eleven. Eleven. Eleven. Eleven.

0:01:44.500,0:01:46.338
[Iain] You're just saying it the same way!

0:01:46.507,0:01:49.198
[Rob] I'm going to keep saying it until it understands Scottish, alright?

0:01:50.337,0:01:56.640
[Rob] Eleven. Eleven. Eleven! Eleven!

0:01:56.809,0:01:59.751
[Iain] Oh just take us anywhere, ya cow! Just open the doors!

0:01:59.982,0:02:07.279
[VOICE] This is a voice-activated elevator. Please state which floor you would like to go to in a clear and calm manner.

0:02:07.832,0:02:13.146
[Iain] Calm? Calm? Where's that coming from? Why is it telling people to be calm?

0:02:13.346,0:02:17.252
[Rob] Because they knew they'd be selling this to Scottish people who'd be going off their nuts at it!

0:02:17.668,0:02:19.962
[VOICE] You have not selected a floor.

0:02:19.978,0:02:22.175
[Rob] Aye, we have! Eleven!

0:02:22.406,0:02:30.063
[VOICE] If you would like to get out of the elevator without selecting a floor, simply say "Open the doors, please".

0:02:30.786,0:02:35.101
[Iain] Please? Please?? Suck my wully.

0:02:35.517,0:02:37.524
[Rob] Maybe we should just say "please".

0:02:38.509,0:02:40.658
[Iain] I'm not begging that for nothing.

0:02:44.254,0:02:47.432
[Rob] Open the doors, please.

0:02:48.539,0:02:50.670
[Iain} "Please!" Pathetic.

0:02:50.701,0:02:52.216
[VOICE] Please remain calm.

0:02:52.263,0:02:58.657
[Rob] Oh! My! God! You wait until I get up there...just wait for it to speak...

0:03:01.534,0:03:03.509
[VOICE] You have not selected a floor.

0:03:03.509,0:03:07.831
[Rob] Up yours, ya cow! If you don't let us through these doors, I'm gonna come to America,

0:03:08.060,0:03:13.291
I'm gonna find whatever desperate actress gave you a voice, and I'm gonna go to the electric chair for ye!

0:03:13.475,0:03:15.437
[Iain] Scotland, you bastard!

0:03:15.437,0:03:16.675
[Rob] Scotland!

0:03:16.737,0:03:18.022
[Iain] SCOTLAND!

0:03:18.037,0:03:19.862
[Rob] SCOOOOOTLAND!

0:03:19.877,0:03:21.864
[Iain] FREEDOM!!

0:03:21.879,0:03:25.291
[Rob] FREEDOM!!

0:03:31.256,0:03:32.141
[Iain] Goin' up?

0:03:32.141,0:03:33.610
[Credits]

0:03:33.610,0:03:36.102
Captions made from the transcript given by fuelingforthelight in the description of youtube.com/watch?v=5FFRoYhTJQQ .