"WARNING: the following show is intended for particular viewers. People who're not into video games may stop watching now."
"LIMPING DOG" STUDIO PRESENTS
"Movie by Alexander Timchenko"
"Medal of Returning to Castle Wolfenstein"
"Dedicated to numerous world peace makers. ...In every world possible."
Hey, are you alive?
Oh wow, Lara Croft!
Hm. Yep.
A real one? - Hands off!
Who on Earth are you?
Tim. What happened?
What do you remember?
Well, I was at my place, playing video games...
then something glitched in my computer,
then there was a flash, rumble,
and darkness.
I see.
Yet another Kraftmaschine.
What?
I'll explain later.
We need to get out of here now.
Hold on!
Can you tell me what's happening?
A raid! Germans!
Germans?
Yes, the Nazis.
Let's go!
Could you finally tell me what's happening?
What of that is unclear to you?
What happened to me?
Where are those Germans came from? And those dungeons? And you, after all?
This is a virtual space of the computer game.
And we, including you as well, are its characters.
What?!
And what game is this?
Oh, something about "Wolfenstein castle"...
Yeah, I was just starting this game before it all happened.
But how did YOU manage to get here?
Pretty much like you did.
I was getting out of ancient temple ruins,
and then everything started collapsing.
There was a bright flash and then I passed out.
Woke up here.
And what's the Kraft-Maschine you were talking about?
It's Germans. They're doing experiments with some device that adjusts itself on spirituel power of ancient artifacts
and teleports...
Artifacts?
Right. I had the sacred amulet of great goddess Ishtar with me...
In fact, I appeared here right because of it.
And the amulet is theirs now.
Listen, I had no artifacts with me back then!
Well, something must've gone wrong on their side then.
Probably due to space fluctuation
your psychosomatic matrix got overlapped with the game engine, and now you're here.
But how can I get out, could you tell me?
We have to re-adjust Kraft-Maschine for reversing the proccess.
But, I'm afraid, accessing that device is quite problematic.
So this is your shelter?
I can't remember this place, though I've beaten the game multiple times.
You had a script, while this plot is non-linear.
Hm, how complicated.
Oh!
Check out my new hat.
You look like a German plumber.
Yeah, sure, you Tambov Rider ass.
By the way, how long you planned to stay here?
I don't know.
I need to retrieve the artifact back,
and you're gonna help me with that.
Why?
Its presence in this area breaks the balance between worlds,
and this might cause displacement of layers of virtual reality.
So what then?
Well, imagine if, let's say, The Sims will get invaded by Operation Flashpoint guys.
Ohohoh.
Or, maybe, you'll suddenly morph into a nice zweihander+2,
in heavy valyrian steel armor, against a marine with plasmagun.
Well, yeah, game balance and stuff...
But why me?
Because you have no choice.
Is such the script?
No, it's either you help me or Germans will shoot you down.
What for?!
For being a Russian spy.
Great...
I'll be with you.
Very good then.
There is a vent shaft nearby,
we can get into the bunker through it.
It leads to the secret factory.
They surely want to construct some atrocious weapon there.
Look:
There - are guards' barracks.
Manufacturing facility here,
railroad station...
This - is a research complex and factory management.
The artifact must be somewhere there.
And any weapons at us?
Yes, take a look.
Here, pick yourself something.
Wow, a whole arsenal.
But where from?
Echoes of the war.
Ready?
Lara, you'll never get married.
I don't like cooking.
[Note: in the song Rammstein says that they're not Nazis, but more left-leaning. Ironic.]
Lara!
Check the lockers.
What you got there?
A PDA.
A very useful thing.
"Personal data"
"Current mission objectives"
Tim, they're many there!
I'm coming, I am.
Here, press Shift when I'll jump.
- What are we waiting for?
- We must expel the palefaces from Indiana!
- And then, all our red brothers will follow our lead!
- We've been expelling them for so many times, and they've been returning again...
- And now it'll be the same.
- ...can't wait any longer!
"Hold F to switch Sten to MP-44"
What's there?
Hang on!
I got it.
they transfered the artifact to some secret lab. An X-Lab.
Ah, I was there.
They're too many!
"Settings"
"Difficulty level:"
Whoo!
Grrreat bang.
Boom.
Let's blow something else!
There is a tunnel ahead.
Will crumble it!
How is it, Tim?
Battery died.
Let's go by feet then.
What a nice weather today...
Hot.
Oh, Tim, look at those beautiful flowers!
Wait here, i'll be right back.
La..
...ra!
What a flipping fool.
"Saves"
"08_road"
"Load"
Nice weather today, isn't it, Lar?
A common weather.
Yeah?
Lara, do you like flowers?
What flowers?
Those, right there. So beautiful.
Don't be stupid.
Lara, do you like sunflower seeds?
Quiet, you!
Oh wow.
It'd better to have something edible inside.
Take your gun off the safety first.
Check the room in.
Nobody here.
We'll spend the night here then.
We should check the basement for food.
And set the fireplace up.
I still don't get it.
Where did all this come from?
What?
Those Germans, that secret factory, Wolfenstein in whole.
It's a reality, but a virtual one after all.
It doesn't actually exist!
And where did this Moldavian sherry of '94 come from?
Have you heard anything about mental correlation of homeostatic systems?
Say what?
Do you know that thoughts may materialize itself?
Ah, that things will eventually happen if I think of them hard enough?
I don't think it's real.
And is the sherry real?
What's with the sherry?
Have you thought about it today?
Well, I've been recalling it.
Also I've thought about Zhigulevskoe beer, but it's not here.
Thought about too much at once.
You say that all this world with the sherry is imagined by me?
One man is not enough.
But do you know how many of you, gamers, up there?
What's up with that?
People play games, that's what.
This reality is virtual for them,
but they live in it,
and together they create another crazy world.
Yeah, people must have forgotten Wolfenstein nowadays.
Right, and if a game is forgotten, its world eventually starts disappearing.
It stops feeding on energy from players.
And so Germans decided to leech it from worlds of other games.
That is why they need my artifact.
So the Wolfenstein Germans can destroy Tomb Raider?
Correct.
That's bullcrap.
But it's pretty close to their nature, though.
Global domination, Fourth Reich, the usual stuff.
Okay, we gotta go to sleep, tomorrow's gonna be long day.
Yeah, we will show them space fluctuation.
We'll be sleeping in shifts.
How about we sleep together?
Don't even dream about it.
Wake me up at 3 AM.
Okay, have a good night.
Tim, you overslept it, you dog!
What is it?
We have guests, that's what!
Well, we've got a car now.
Why didn't you wake me up?!
I'm, well, was correlating homeostat...
Damn smartpants.
Alright, let's move out of there.
Oh, Lar, we are offered a job: howitzer ammo to Paderborn.
They are paying well, shall we take it?
Drop that, Tim, we got to reach X-Lab, now!
Trucker my butt...
Oh, come on!
What is it?
Get ready.
Alright.
Well, not completely.
Was that really necessary?
Of course!
Barbaric.
I'm shot!
Any problem?
Well, no more cheats for us.
Your cheats are right behind you.
We need a red key.
There it is!
Who was that, Tim?
Nobody knows actually.
But wherever he goes, troubles happen.
Let's see. He must be went out of there.
He looked so mysterious...
He is not a robot, you know.
Yeah, so where to go now?
Let's follow him maybe.
We've just got incredibly lucky.
Our situation reminded me something.
What exactly?
I saw it in a movie. There was also a black guy who preached with a pistol in his hand.
Facking geneticists.
Who is that paleface?
Oberfuhrer SS Wilhelm Strasse, nicknamed Deathshead.
He is in charge here.
How do you know?
I've played this game, after all.
Ah, right.
He's leaving!
One more!
Tim, what the hell were those things?
Cacodemons.
Demons?
Yes, Caco-demons.
How have they got here?
No idea.
Probably like we have.
That's no good.
Those experiments have gone too far!
We must stop it as quick as possible!
Yes, let's find that "Dead Head" and rip it off.
What is THAT?
Something where we definitely shoudln't go.
That's where they got cacodemons from.
Have you been there?
Yeah, happened to.
And how is it?
Scary.
Maybe he went that way after all?
What is he, a madman?
Well...
Open up.
Look at that!
Sehr gut, sehr gut.
That's our man.
A sick man.
Well, depends on how you see it.
Wow, a cut-you-in-halves device.
A great thing.
Brand-new German cutter.
The cutter is easy to avoid -
you just need to stand in front of it,
and when it starts opening, make a quick step forward.
This corridor looks quite suspicious.
Yeah.
Run!
Holy crap!
What's next?
Next...
That's what's next.
How are you?
I'm fine.
Well done!
Hey people, what the war was about?
Oh, Max! Hi!
Tim? Hello.
Lara, this is my friend Max.
Max, it's Lara Croft, you see that?
I see. Nice to meet you.
Wow, everyone around know me.
Well, you're sort of a pop star.
Where are we?
That's, uh, Wolfenstein.
Ah, so that's why this place seems so familiar.
Are you lost or what?
I can't find goddamn Delta complex here.
We've seen the door you need.
Go back there, then get down to the workshop,
go past it, then turn to the right...
and ask someone there for directions.
There is nobody to ask anymore.
Alright, I'll find it somehow.
And what are YOU doing here?
We are looking for Wilhelm the "Death's Head".
Ah, the bald guy in leather threnchcoat? No, haven't seen him.
There is nobody to ask anymore as well, I guess?
Well, yup.
What's actually going on here?
Oh, you know... Germans stole from Lara the unbelieavably powerful artifact.
And want to leech all energy from different games with it.
And now layers of virtual reality started displacing.
They even managed to bring Cacos here.
And made a lotta space fluctuation.
Horrifying.
Gotta save this world again.
And as soon, as possible.
Yeah, do you happen to have some ammo?
'Cause, you know...
No problem, Lara's really packing, ya know.
Stop it, Tim!
Thanks.
And good luck...
In your searching for stolen stuff.
Bye. Good luck to you too.
It was nice to meet you.
How about a blue key?
Let's go search for it
You sent him there, but there're lasers and the cutter.
Those won't harm him.
Why so?
He is from different game.
He has cutters of his own, we have ours.
How is so?
Haven't you read Pelevin?
No.
Bad for you!
Prince of Gosplan is the best book about video games.
Run?
Dead end.
No, it's not.
You coming or not?
I am, give me a second.
He wants to activate that thing!
Chase him, quick!
Lost him!
I guess we're in trouble.
Gas!
What's happening, Lara?
I think they want to poison us!
Open up, hey!
Nazi scum!
Tim...
Tim, I can't...
Lara, hold on!
Lara!
Rise and shine, Mr. Freeman...
I mean, Tim.
Rise and...
...sing us something.
As always, you happened to be in a wrong place in a wrong time.
And now great deeds await you.
So rise, Tim!
Something has to be done with this world quick.
Uuugh...
Hi, Lara.
Darn, I've just had a really nutty dream.
Where are we?
Welcome to castle Wolfenstein!
In its dungeons, to be accurate.
Wolfenstein?
We got captured?
Woah, who's that?
Quiet, someone is coming.
Hold on.
There's another one.
Drop the gun!
Hands up!
How many people are in the castle?
Tim, put him on the table.
Yup!
Put the glass down.
You won't need it anymore.
You are free to go, comrade!
Don't move!
Quiet, quiet, you.
Stay quiet!
Tim!
Died.
So what were you talking about?
Paranormal division of SS is being extracted.
They depart to Tibet tomorrow.
Death's Head is there.
Why Tibet?
They must be looking for Hyperborea.
Sickos. And where do we go now?
To the airdrome.
We need to catch them there, let's go.
You're pretty cruel, Lara.
Look! Our stuff!
I'll take this one.
Lar, someone's coming!
What is it, Tim?
It's kinda too grim in here.
Don't think about it, there's no time.
- WELCOME TO 'QUAKE 3 ARENA'!
What is that?
- YOU HAVE TAKEN THE LEAD!
Let's get out!
It's gonna be really hard here soon!
Where have we got ourslelves now?
Dunno.
But I think we need onto the other side.
And how do we get there?
Well, there should be some switch,
that we need to pull so some bridge appeared.
We have the switches...
...on the other side.
I wonder why are they there.
Then, we should see for a button.
Maybe behind that door?
Let's find out.
So we are looking for a button?
Well, yes.
What's wrong, Lara? Isn't that your element?
What do you mean?
I mean, you explore basements like this one really often.
Exactly, I know such places very well.
They're always inhabited by something nasty.
Oh, every time I play Tomb Raider, you just run through corridors completely alone.
Don't even have anything to shoot at.
That's because Tomb Raider is an adventure, not a regular pew-pew game.
What?!
So you see shooters as low-level entertainment for numbskulls?
You said it yourself.
And you meant it!
Take it easy, i don't actually think so.
I also have to shoot sometimes, after all.
Tim, behind you!
They're millions here, let's get out!
Just a minute!
What's next?
Dunno.
Excuse me, have you seen a white rabbit?
The one with little red eyes, always looking at his watch?
Yes.
He also wears a vest.
No, we haven't.
Too bad!
Pardon me, I've got to go.
Alice, wait!
You better don't go there, it's pretty dangerous.
Oh, don't worry, I can protect myself.
Didn't you say earlier that everyone's got their own "cutters"?
I did, yes.
Still...
She'll handle them.
Yeh, those zombies're in trouble now.
What was it?
A fighter plane.
Oh, look, what is it over there?
Stay here.
Amazing.
You rock, Lara. Just like in circus!
Let's keep going already.
Locked.
You saw that?
I found a secret area.
It's looted already though.
And I picked the lock open.
Let's go!
Laaaraaa!
So much port wine!
Uh-huh, look what your port does to people.
Lar, if I didn't know you're a lady, I would think that you got possessed...
I just don't like them.
They're coming here.
Tim, get at the wheel!
Quick, turn around!
Wait, stop turning around!
To other side!
"Mission passed!" "Respect +"
Listen, Lara, why are we here?
Tomorrow we'll meet their troops on the airdrome.
We've got to upgrade our car.
And how far is the airdrome away?
Just 2 kilometers north.
Won't neighbors be a problem?
What neighbours?
All private vehicles are requisitioned due to war time needs.
There is nobody than us.
But these garages don't actually look German.
My neighbor has a garage just like this one.
Tim, why do you care about that?
We've got a place to prepare our car anyway.
By the way, I always wondered...
How do you keep so much gear in your tiny backpack?
There is no actual gear in there, but its binary code.
So?
"So" what?
So what then?
I don't know how it works exactly myself.
The Matrix things, to be brief.
Are we starting to work or not?
We are.
So let's go then!
"Pimp my ride"
Yeeeah, with such ride we'll give them the hell of a battle.
We'll get my artifact back and get out.
But how?
That torturer from the dungeon said that they'll take the Kraftraummaschine with them.
I see.
Listen, that means we're gonna have our 'final level' tomorrow.
Right.
Which means they'll place against us a damn tough boss.
A Super-soldier?
Probably.
Anyway, it's gonna be something big, steely and lock'n'loaded.
This thing shoots 12mm rounds, it can kill airplanes.
Oh funny will it be.
Yes, but now we've got to go to sleep, it's late already.
But where?
I'll be sleeping upstairs, there is a sofa.
Maybe it'll fit both of us?
Nope, spend it in the car.
Just don't correlate here anything.
Good night, lady Croft.
Is this it?
Yes.
The sacred pentacle of great Ishtar.
This artifact contains huge magical power.
Gold?
No, it's Sumerian bronze.
That must be around 6 kilograms.
Oh, look!
Into the car, quick!
There's more of them!
You OK?
Our guns are nothing to it!
Here, try this one.
Lara! You're the best! It's like a dream!
Hey, you've got the artifact.
Cast something, and I'll cover you.
I don't know what spells can it do!
Well, try turning that thing into a rock.
- YOU HAVE TAKEN THE LEAD!
- EXCELLENT!
- HOLY SHIT!
Tim, it's not working!
Put it into sunlight.
And speak louder!
Well, that will do.
What is this shit, Lara?
That's not shit, it's great Babylonian sacral stone.
The goddess punishes sinners with it.
And also they were noticed in Indiana Jones.
Where?!
Eh, nevermind. We did it!
Yes, we did.
Now we've got to find the teleport.
It must be in that hangar.
Yet I've got a feeling that we forgot something.
What is it?
In the end of every decent journey, there is always a case with money appears.
And what will we do with Reichsmarks? Emigrate to Argentina?
In decent journey, there should be decent cash.
Tim, you're so childish!
Just you wait for a sec, look over there!
So what did I just say?
Give me a 'nade.
Are you crazy?
Don't you worry.
Hold it.
Don't you feel sorry for him?
He has't done anything bad to us.
That's not for sure yet.
I know a nuclear physicist, who had a really bad time because of him.
So let him rest here. For a while.
Until we get out.
What is this?
Dollars.
Nigerian dollars.
Decent journey his ass.
What to do with these?
Have a vacation in Nigeria, that's what.
Exchange them to proper dollars there...
We've got a lot anyway.
Look, here's someone else.
Where are these guys from?
I have no idea.
Hopefully they aren't for the cash.
Just smile.
H-hello!..
Sergeant O'Connel.
101st parachute division.
We're looking for our men after landing.
Have you seen anyone around here?
No.
And whose work is THAT?
Dunno.
We're archeologists -
she is English, I'm Russian.
Allies?
Well, take care.
These places are still full of Jerries.
OK, guys, moving on!
Did you understand any of this?
I think we're observing the displacement of layers of virtual reality.
Well played.
We must get out.
Yes, there's somebody to look after this place now.
Is this the teleport?
Yes.
Der Kraftraummaschine.
Do you know how it works?
Let's find out.
Just set it to Nigeria.
You and your Nigeria can wait!
Hey, what's that for?
It's going to blow up in a minute after we leave.
And what if something'll go wrong?
Everything'll be fine.
What happened, Lara?
Something went wrong...
LAAAAARAAAAA!
"Voice actors: Alexander Timchenko - Tim, sadist doctor; Yelena Timchenko - Lara; Maxim Mamonov - Max; Yury Kovalevich - Death's Head..."
"...Valery Maksakov - sgt. O'Connel; Dina Olenevich - Alice; Alexey Shevchenko, Yury Mosintsev & Vladimir Shestopalov - various Germans"
"And, what's typical, nobody among them was a professional voice actor. They're talented in other fields of human activity, so don't be too severe..."
"Direction, script, models, animation and other CG, SFX: Alexander Timchenko"
"The following software was used during film creation: ..."
"This film uses textures and sounds from the following PC games: ..."
"Music: ...DK - I don't love you, [...], Umka and Br° - Hitch-hiking blues, some GTA 3 song, Jan Ku - No one's gonna stop me,..."
"...Dolphin - The spring, [...], Bondzinsky - Discipline..."
"Well, it was very interesting and fun to mess around with this. Thanks to everyone who waited for its release..."
"Particular thanks to Max Mamonov, Yury Kovalevich and Alexey Timchenko for periodical stimulating and motivating the process persuasively. That's all."
[Captioned by Lgs_pro, aka Legooos, corrected by Arch-Pig743]
(c) 2011 "Limping dog", timmm3@yandex.ru