WEBVTT

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This piece is definitely about body image,

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it's basically synthesizing over 2 decades of assholes.

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Uh, get ready to get a little uncomfortable.

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This is called "fat bottomed girls"

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If every bastard who had ever judged my body

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were lined up in front of me firing squad style,

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and I were given the right to do with them as I pleased,

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I would be at a loss.

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I would probably yell "EAT ME!"

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cuz I love a good fat girl pun.

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But there's nothing else left inside

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to make them understand the extreme ignorance and mis-spent pain that they embody.

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You can all

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just

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fucking

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eat me.

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Devour my scarlet throbbing flesh

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like junior high vultures.

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Like sorority pledge councils.

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Like debutante beauty queens.

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I don't look like you.

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What the fuck else is new?

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There's no footnote in the regulations index of my life

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that says I have to sleep on elipticals

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and suck down the hopeful semen of boys named Jimmy

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until you understand my body.

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You wont ever understand my body.

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I am Miss Piggy.

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I am Mama Cass.

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I am fuckin' Aretha.

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And I love being these women.

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I love being fat.

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My thighs shriek rough and ready sex

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like downtown thunder.

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My ass drips vanilla milkshakes,

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and my personal style is baby gay Madonna meets crop top goth

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and it doesn't

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fuckin'

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matter.

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Being fat doesnt make me different.

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Fuck, I look like America.

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But loving that I'm fat

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makes me a Pillsbury rebellion.

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I hold protests in my mouth every time I eat in public.

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Picket signs wallpaper my willing body

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when I dance naked in my apartment.

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Riots Not Diets is tattoed across my chest.

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And I live for the moment when I shock you into silence.

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Because being me is fucking political.

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And you never voted for this shit.

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Body image is just bad English for

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how hard you stomp the sidewalks

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and how many cracks in the mirror you've traced.

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I may have been picked last for softball,

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but I was nationally ranked in tennis.

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And you'll never be ready for this jelly

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cuz all you eat are sad-ass spoonfulls of

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organic low sodium peanut butter.

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Speak the truth here.

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Yeah, I tend to date black guys and I rarely say no to a homemade baked good,

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but that says no more about me than

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how you chew Big Red compulsively when you're nervous

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or how you can never say no to your mother says about you.

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So just let it be.

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We're grownups now,

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I think.

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There are no more lunchtime kickball teams,

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and I already have a date to the next dance,

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so, when you feel the need

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to pretend to be concerned about my "health" or "well-being",

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just know that I've already let go of the trigger,

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firing squad style.

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Just know that you don't have to count the calories

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when I tell you to fucking

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eat me.

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[APPLAUSE]