1
00:00:01,468 --> 00:00:02,970
This piece is definitely about body image,

2
00:00:02,970 --> 00:00:06,673
it's basically synthesizing over 2 decades of assholes.

3
00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:10,510
Uh, get ready to get a little uncomfortable.

4
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:13,547
This is called "fat bottomed girls"

5
00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:17,784
If every bastard who had ever judged my body

6
00:00:17,784 --> 00:00:21,021
were lined up in front of me firing squad style,

7
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:24,573
and I were given the right to do with them as I pleased,

8
00:00:24,573 --> 00:00:26,912
I would be at a loss.

9
00:00:26,912 --> 00:00:29,141
I would probably yell "EAT ME!"

10
00:00:29,141 --> 00:00:30,797
cuz I love a good fat girl pun.

11
00:00:30,797 --> 00:00:33,567
But there's nothing else left inside

12
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:40,140
to make them understand the extreme ignorance and mis-spent pain that they embody.

13
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:41,448
You can all

14
00:00:41,448 --> 00:00:42,609
just

15
00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:43,770
fucking

16
00:00:43,770 --> 00:00:45,349
eat me.

17
00:00:45,349 --> 00:00:47,810
Devour my scarlet throbbing flesh

18
00:00:47,810 --> 00:00:49,296
like junior high vultures.

19
00:00:49,296 --> 00:00:51,293
Like sorority pledge councils.

20
00:00:51,293 --> 00:00:53,253
Like debutante beauty queens.

21
00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:54,776
I don't look like you.

22
00:00:54,776 --> 00:00:57,516
What the fuck else is new?

23
00:00:57,516 --> 00:01:00,534
There's no footnote in the regulations index of my life

24
00:01:00,534 --> 00:01:02,095
that says I have to sleep on elipticals

25
00:01:02,095 --> 00:01:04,668
and suck down the hopeful semen of boys named Jimmy

26
00:01:04,668 --> 00:01:07,129
until you understand my body.

27
00:01:07,129 --> 00:01:11,738
You wont ever understand my body.

28
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,816
I am Miss Piggy.

29
00:01:13,816 --> 00:01:15,542
I am Mama Cass.

30
00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:17,903
I am fuckin' Aretha.

31
00:01:17,903 --> 00:01:20,643
And I love being these women.

32
00:01:20,643 --> 00:01:23,050
I love being fat.

33
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,518
My thighs shriek rough and ready sex

34
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,216
like downtown thunder.

35
00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:28,352
My ass drips vanilla milkshakes,

36
00:01:28,352 --> 00:01:32,206
and my personal style is baby gay Madonna meets crop top goth

37
00:01:32,206 --> 00:01:32,993
and it doesn't

38
00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:34,064
fuckin'

39
00:01:34,064 --> 00:01:35,271
matter.

40
00:01:35,271 --> 00:01:36,850
Being fat doesnt make me different.

41
00:01:36,850 --> 00:01:38,569
Fuck, I look like America.

42
00:01:38,569 --> 00:01:39,866
But loving that I'm fat

43
00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:43,724
makes me a Pillsbury rebellion.

44
00:01:43,724 --> 00:01:47,485
I hold protests in my mouth every time I eat in public.

45
00:01:47,485 --> 00:01:49,409
Picket signs wallpaper my willing body

46
00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:51,758
when I dance naked in my apartment.

47
00:01:51,758 --> 00:01:54,683
Riots Not Diets is tattoed across my chest.

48
00:01:54,683 --> 00:01:58,631
And I live for the moment when I shock you into silence.

49
00:01:58,631 --> 00:02:01,603
Because being me is fucking political.

50
00:02:01,603 --> 00:02:04,204
And you never voted for this shit.

51
00:02:04,204 --> 00:02:06,426
Body image is just bad English for

52
00:02:06,426 --> 00:02:07,872
how hard you stomp the sidewalks

53
00:02:07,872 --> 00:02:10,163
and how many cracks in the mirror you've traced.

54
00:02:10,163 --> 00:02:12,005
I may have been picked last for softball,

55
00:02:12,005 --> 00:02:14,142
but I was nationally ranked in tennis.

56
00:02:14,142 --> 00:02:15,602
And you'll never be ready for this jelly

57
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:17,437
cuz all you eat are sad-ass spoonfulls of

58
00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:20,540
organic low sodium peanut butter.

59
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:23,290
Speak the truth here.

60
00:02:23,290 --> 00:02:27,914
Yeah, I tend to date black guys and I rarely say no to a homemade baked good,

61
00:02:27,914 --> 00:02:29,606
but that says no more about me than

62
00:02:29,606 --> 00:02:32,886
how you chew Big Red compulsively when you're nervous

63
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:37,357
or how you can never say no to your mother says about you.

64
00:02:37,357 --> 00:02:39,226
So just let it be.

65
00:02:39,226 --> 00:02:40,394
We're grownups now,

66
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:41,495
I think.

67
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,213
There are no more lunchtime kickball teams,

68
00:02:43,213 --> 00:02:45,399
and I already have a date to the next dance,

69
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,401
so, when you feel the need

70
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:52,672
to pretend to be concerned about my "health" or "well-being",

71
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,741
just know that I've already let go of the trigger,

72
00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:57,331
firing squad style.

73
00:02:57,331 --> 00:02:58,845
Just know that you don't have to count the calories

74
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,814
when I tell you to fucking

75
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,950
eat me.

76
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:06,553
[APPLAUSE]