WEBVTT

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I am going to talk to you tonight

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about coming out of the closet.

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And not in the traditional sense,

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not just the "gay" closet.

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I think we all have closets,

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your closet may be telling someone

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you love her for the first time.

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Or telling someone you're pregnant.

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Or telling someone you have cancer.

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Or any of the other hard conversations

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we have throughout our lives.

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All the closet is, 
is a hard conversation.

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And although our topics 
may vary tremendously,

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the experience of being in 
and coming out of the closet

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is universal.

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It is scary, and we hate it,

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and it needs to be done.

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Several years ago, I was working 
at the Southside Walnut Café,

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(Laughter)

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a local diner in town,

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and during my time there,

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I would go through phases 
of militant, lesbian, intensity.

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(Laughter)

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Not shaving my armpits,

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quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel,

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and depending on the bagginess 
of my cargo shorts,

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and how recently I'd shaved my head,

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the question would often 
be sprung on me,

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usually by a little kid:

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"Mmmm, are you a boy, 
or are you a girl?"

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And there would be 
an awkward silence at the table,

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I'd clench my jaw a little tighter,

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hold my coffee pot 
with a little more vengeance,

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the Dad would awkwardly 
shuffle his newspaper,

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and the Mom would shoot 
a chilling stare at her kid.

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But I would say nothing,

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and I would seethe inside.

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And it got to the point that everytime

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I walked up to a table that had a kid

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anywhere between 3 and 10 years old,

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I was ready to fight.

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(Laughter)

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And that is a terrible feeling.

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So I promised myself 
that the next time,

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I would say something.

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I would have that hard conversation.

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So within a matter of weeks, 
it happens again:

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"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"

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Familiar silence.

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But this time, I am ready.

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And I am about to go 
all Woman Studies 101 on this table.

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(Laughter)

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I've got my Betty Friedan quotes,

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I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes,

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I even got this little bit from
Vagina Monologues I'm gonna do,

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so I take a deep breath, 
and I look down,

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and staring back at me

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is a 4-year old girl in a pink dress.

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Not a challenge to a feminist duel,

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just a kid, with a question:

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"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"

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So I take another deep breath,

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squat down next to her and say:

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"Hey, I know it's kind of confusing,

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my hair is short like a boy's,

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and I wear boys' clothes,

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but I'm a girl

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and you know how sometimes 
you like to wear a pink dress,

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and sometimes you like 
to wear your comfie jammies,

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well, I'm more of 
a comfie jammies kind of a girl."

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(Laughter)

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And this kid looks me dead in the eye

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without missing a beat and says:

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"My favorite pajamas are purple

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with fish, can I get a pancake please?"

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(Laughter)

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And that was it, just:

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"Oh, OK, you're a girl. 
How 'bout that pancake?"

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(Laughter)

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It was the easiest hard conversation 
I have ever had.

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And why?

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Because Pancake Girl and I,

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we were both real with each other.

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So, like many of us,

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I've lived in a few closets in my life,

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and yeah, most often, 
my walls happen to be rainbow.

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But inside, in the dark,

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you can't tell what color the walls are.

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You just know what it feels like

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to live in a closet.

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So really, my closet 
is no different than yours,

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or yours,

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or yours.

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Sure, I can give you 100 reasons

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why coming out of my closet

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was harder than coming out of yours,

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but here's the thing,

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hard is not relative,

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hard is hard.

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Who can tell me

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that explaining to someone

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you've just declared bankrupcy

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is harder than telling someone

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when you just cheated on them.

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Who can tell me

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that his coming out story

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is harder than telling your 5-year old

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you're getting a divorce.

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There is no "harder",

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there is just "hard."

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We need to stop ranking our "hard"

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against everybody else's "hard"

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to make us feel better 
or worse about our closet

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and just commiserate on the fact

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that we all have "hard."

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At some point in our lives,

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we all live in closets,

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and they may feel safe.

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Or at least, safer than what lies

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on the other side of that door.

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But I'm here to tell you,

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no matter what your walls are made of,

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a closet is no place 
for a person to live.

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(Cheers)
(Applause)

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Thanks.

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So why is coming out of any closet,

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why is having that conversation,

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why is it so hard?

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Because they're stressful.

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We're so concerned about the reaction

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of the other person, and understandably.

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Will they be angry?

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Sad?

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Disappointed?

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Will we loose a friend?

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A parent?

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A lover?

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These conversations cause stress.

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So let's kick out 
on stress for a minute.

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Stress is a natural reaction
in your body.

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When you encounter a perceived threat,

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-- keyword, "perceived" --

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your hypothalamus sounds the alarm,

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and adrenaline and cortisol

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start coursing through your veins.

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This is known as

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Fight or Flight.

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Sometimes you rumble,

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sometimes you run.

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And this is a totally normal reaction.

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And, comes from a time

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when that threat was 
being chased by a wooly mammoth.

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The problem is

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your hypothalamus has no idea

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if you're being chased 
by a wooly mammoth,

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or if your computer just crashed,

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or if your in-laws just showed up 
on your doorsteps,

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or if you're about 
to jump out of a plane,

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or if you need to tell someone you love

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that you have a brain tumor.

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The difference is

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the wooly mammoth 
chases you for, what,

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maybe 10 minutes.

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Not having those hard conversations,

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that can go on for years,

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and your body just can't handle that.

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Chronic exposure to adrenaline and cortisol

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disrupts almost every system in your body

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and can lead to anxiety,

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depression, heart disease,

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just to name a few.

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When you do not have hard conversations,

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when you keep the truth about yourself a secret,

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you're essentially holding a grenade.

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So, imagine yourself

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20 years ago.

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Me,

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I had a pony tail,

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a strapless dress,

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and high heel shoes.

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I was not the militant lesbian

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ready to fight any 4-year old 
that walked into the café.

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(Laughter)

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I was frozen by fear,

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curled up in a corner

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of my pitch-black closet,

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clutching my gay grenade.

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And moving one muscle

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is the scariest thing

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I have ever done.

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My family,

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my friends,

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complete strangers,

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I had spent my entire life

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trying to not disappoint these people.

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And now, I was turning 
the world upside down.

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On purpose.

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I was burning the pages of the script

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we had all followed for so long,

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but if you do not throw that grenade,

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it will kill you.

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One of my most memorable grenade-tosses

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was at my sister's wedding.

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(Laughter)

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It was the first time 
that many on attendance

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knew that I was gay.

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So in doing my Maid of Honor duties,

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in my black dress and heels,

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I walked around the tables,

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and finally landed at the table 
of my parents' friends,

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folks that had known me for years.

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And after a little small talk,

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one of the women shouted out:

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"I love Nathan Lane!"

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And the battle of gay relatebility

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had begun.

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"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"

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"Well, yeah, actually, 
we have friends in San Francisco."

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"We've never been there,

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but we hear it's 'fa-bu-lous'!!"

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"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio,

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he's really good, and 
he's never talked about a girlfriend."

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"Ash, what's your favorite TV show?

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Our favorite TV show: 
favorite, Will and Grace,

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you know who we love? Jack.

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Jack is our favorite."

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And then one woman,

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stumped,

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but wanting so desperately
to show her support,

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to let me know she was on my side,

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she finally blurted out:

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"Well, sometimes my husband 
wears pink shirts."

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(Laughter)

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And I had a choice in that moment,

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as all grenade-throwers do.

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I could go back to my girlfriend,

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and my gay-loving table,

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and mock their responses.

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Chastise their unworldliness,

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and their inability to jump through

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the politically-correct gay hoops

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I had brought with me,

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or,

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I could empatize with them,

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and realize that that was maybe

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one of the hardest things 
that they had ever done.

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That starting,

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and having that conversation,

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was them coming out of their closets.

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Sure, it would have been easy

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to point out where they fell short.

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It's a lot harder

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to meet them where they are,

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and acknowledge the fact that

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they were trying,

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and what else can you ask someone to do,

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but try.

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If you're going to be real with someone,

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you've got to be ready

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for real in return.

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So, hard conversations 
are still not my strong suit.

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Ask anybody I've ever dated.

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But I'm getting better.

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And I follow what I like to call

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'The Three Pancake Girl Principles."

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Now, please,

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view this through gay-colored lenses,

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but know,

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what it takes to come out of any closet,

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is essentially the same.

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Number One:

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Be Authentic,

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take the armor off, be yourself.

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That kid in the café

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had no armor,

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but I was ready for battle.

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Stupid hypothalamus.

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If you want someone to be real with you,

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they need to know that you bleed too.

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Number Two:

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Be Direct,

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You say it, rip the bandaid off.

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If you know you are gay,

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just say it.

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If you tell your parents 
you might be gay,

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they will hold that hope 
that this will change.

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Do not give them

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that sense of false hope.

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(Laughter)

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And Number Three,

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and most important:

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(Laughter)

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Be Unapologetic.

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You are speaking your truth.

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Never apologize for that.

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And some folks might 
have gotten hurt along the way.

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So sure.

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Apologize for what you've done.

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But never apologize for who you are.

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And yeah, some folks
may be disappointed.

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But that is on them.

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Not on you.

00:10:06.182 --> 00:10:07.941
Those are their expectations 
of who you are,

00:10:07.941 --> 00:10:08.675
not yours.

00:10:08.675 --> 00:10:10.377
That is their story.

00:10:10.377 --> 00:10:12.169
Not yours.

00:10:13.213 --> 00:10:14.681
The only story that matters

00:10:14.681 --> 00:10:16.631
is the one that you want to write.

00:10:16.631 --> 00:10:19.186
So the next time you find yourself

00:10:19.186 --> 00:10:20.520
in a pitchblack closet

00:10:20.520 --> 00:10:21.521
clutching your grenade,

00:10:21.521 --> 00:10:24.224
know that we've all been there before.

00:10:24.224 --> 00:10:26.383
And you may feel so very alone,

00:10:26.383 --> 00:10:27.350
but you are not.

00:10:28.032 --> 00:10:29.429
And we know it's hard,

00:10:29.429 --> 00:10:31.252
but we need you out here,

00:10:31.840 --> 00:10:34.100
no matter what your walls are made of.

00:10:34.100 --> 00:10:35.635
Because I guarantee you

00:10:35.635 --> 00:10:37.111
there are others 
peering through the keyhole

00:10:37.111 --> 00:10:38.179
of their closet

00:10:38.179 --> 00:10:39.410
looking for the next brave soul

00:10:39.410 --> 00:10:40.478
to bust a door open

00:10:40.478 --> 00:10:41.808
so BE that person,

00:10:42.776 --> 00:10:44.871
and show the world that 
we are bigger than our closets,

00:10:45.312 --> 00:10:47.351
and that a closet is no place

00:10:47.351 --> 00:10:50.297
for a person to truly live.

00:10:50.684 --> 00:10:52.552
Thank you Boulder, enjoy your night.

00:10:52.552 --> 00:10:56.552
(Cheers)
(Applause)