WEBVTT 00:00:00.349 --> 00:00:07.178 OPENING SEQUENCE (NOTHING) 00:00:12.122 --> 00:00:17.509 Welcome to China's very own knockoff talk show, Da Peng DeBeDe. 00:00:17.602 --> 00:00:20.288 I'm now Da Peng sans opening sequence. 00:00:20.426 --> 00:00:23.314 I'm sorry. I lost face for Chinese people. I'm really very sorry. 00:00:23.506 --> 00:00:26.600 I'm known to have a round face. Known as a host with a big face. 00:00:26.925 --> 00:00:29.538 This time I really lost my big face in a big way! 00:00:29.903 --> 00:00:32.825 Even the guy who sells breakfast crepes (think hotdogs) downstairs knows me now 00:00:33.248 --> 00:00:35.740 Everyone probably knows what happened. 00:00:35.978 --> 00:00:38.055 My first girlfriend just sent me a text 00:00:38.125 --> 00:00:40.194 Says she regrets dumping me all those years ago 00:00:40.194 --> 00:00:42.708 Because she saw me on an American TV show 00:00:44.186 --> 00:00:46.202 Aiya, I'm 'International' now! 00:00:46.445 --> 00:00:49.357 First let us take a look at the newest episode of the American talk show 00:00:49.457 --> 00:00:51.888 Conan's (KeNan) Tonight Show [Not Leno] 00:00:52.235 --> 00:00:54.143 (No Translation Needed) 00:03:05.000 --> 00:03:11.923 Err...here on behalf of the production crew I want to apologize to Mr. Conan and his team 00:03:11.923 --> 00:03:14.052 Really too 'sorry' for this thing 00:03:19.240 --> 00:03:21.880 Stop stop stop 00:03:21.880 --> 00:03:24.000 Can't dance any more 00:03:24.000 --> 00:03:26.040 Now we're copying Korean pop 00:03:26.040 --> 00:03:28.360 China has an old saying: "If you don't fight you don't get to know each other" 00:03:28.360 --> 00:03:30.960 I guess this counts as me having a heart to heart with an international super star 00:03:30.960 --> 00:03:33.600 I would ask Gu Da Bai [a well known translator of English shows] to help me translate 00:03:33.600 --> 00:03:38.000 Our program will immediately stop using this opening sequence 00:03:38.000 --> 00:03:42.160 And sincerely apologize to my American colleague 00:03:42.160 --> 00:03:44.920 But I'm guessing after this apology I'll have to apologize again 00:03:44.920 --> 00:03:48.120 Because on today's show we're still going to talk smack about you 00:03:48.120 --> 00:03:50.680 Actually this thing came as quite a shock to me as well 00:03:50.680 --> 00:03:54.400 Yesterday a friend sent me a SMS saying KeNan has his eyes on me 00:03:54.400 --> 00:03:59.280 I got really scared because people say wherever Kenan (a Japanese anime detective) goes people die 00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:03.200 Then I found out it wasn't Japan's Kenan but America's Kenan 00:04:03.200 --> 00:04:05.400 Then I studiously watched his show 00:04:05.400 --> 00:04:08.360 Aside from wanting to express my regret to you, sir 00:04:08.360 --> 00:04:12.680 I also want to discuss some of the content of your show with you 00:04:12.680 --> 00:04:17.640 First, that naked dude picture that you put up 00:04:17.640 --> 00:04:20.800 Have to say his coolness pales in comparison to Zhang Chao Yang 00:04:20.800 --> 00:04:23.560 And judging by his looks he's obviously Korean 00:04:23.560 --> 00:04:26.640 It's said that when two sides do battle one tries to minimize collateral damage 00:04:26.640 --> 00:04:29.440 By doing this you might have hurt the [naked] Korean dude's feelings 00:04:29.440 --> 00:04:32.960 He might think you're making fun of him and that's not cool 00:04:32.960 --> 00:04:36.120 After all I'm all Chinese and I'm afraid people will think I'm like Jeremy Lin 00:04:36.120 --> 00:04:40.120 And think I'm a quarter Korean 00:04:40.120 --> 00:04:44.320 Also, Sister Phoenix is still in the States [looking for a husband] 00:04:44.320 --> 00:04:47.280 You can't put me on TV and make me look bad [in her eyes] 00:04:47.280 --> 00:04:51.800 Then you said my show is 'weird' 00:04:51.800 --> 00:04:55.240 Although my English is not too good I can't say I agree. 00:04:55.240 --> 00:04:57.400 I just know 'One Two Three Four Five Six' 00:04:57.400 --> 00:04:59.720 But when I looked up 'weird' I realized it was not a good word 00:04:59.720 --> 00:05:02.920 You describe us this way because you don't understand Chinese 00:05:02.920 --> 00:05:06.160 American humor is not the only type of humor in this world 00:05:06.160 --> 00:05:13.000 Also some netizens saw your show and asked why he just called our show 'DaPeng' 00:05:13.000 --> 00:05:16.320 And didn't say the show's entire name 00:05:16.320 --> 00:05:19.320 I guess it's because our show's name is too hard to pronounce 00:05:19.320 --> 00:05:22.000 Since we're having an exchange here today 00:05:22.000 --> 00:05:25.320 So why don't you repeat after me and try to say the whole name 00:05:25.320 --> 00:05:27.000 Da Peng De Ba De 00:05:27.000 --> 00:05:29.800 De Ba De [Colloquial term for random chatter]. Follow me 00:05:29.800 --> 00:05:31.720 De Ba De 00:05:31.720 --> 00:05:34.778 No no no not 'Dao Bi Dao' or 'Der Bi Der' 00:05:34.843 --> 00:05:42.543 Various Chinese celebrities trying to pronounce 'De Ba De' correctly 00:05:42.920 --> 00:05:44.960 China has an old saying 00:05:44.960 --> 00:05:48.520 Disaster and fortune usually go hand in hand. Things always have two sides. 00:05:48.520 --> 00:05:54.000 For so many years Americans have been trying to export your culture and values to the world 00:05:54.000 --> 00:06:01.080 You might be very happy to know China has millions of netizens watching your shows and are influenced by your humor 00:06:01.080 --> 00:06:06.960 On the other hand [after you have influenced us so much] you are always saying [of our stuff] 'Oh bullshit this is all ripped off' 00:06:06.960 --> 00:06:10.360 From this perspective I feel we're a bit nicer 00:06:10.360 --> 00:06:13.080 China has bought so much of your national debt 00:06:13.080 --> 00:06:16.840 But in this show we never make fun of you running around borrowing money from everyone 00:06:16.840 --> 00:06:22.880 Also, the captions you put up. Really doesn't even make it to the elementary school second grade level of Chinese. 00:06:22.880 --> 00:06:24.440 Even the meaning doesn't make any sense 00:06:24.440 --> 00:06:28.105 You should do this. Look! Look! 00:06:28.105 --> 00:06:32.040 Of course, in order to show our respects to Conan's production crew 00:06:32.040 --> 00:06:35.320 From now our our actor who plays the [Chinese style] zombie 00:06:35.320 --> 00:06:39.880 His show name will be changed to Mu He Chun En [the caption Conan used] 00:06:39.880 --> 00:06:46.280 But now that he has a show name the other sideshow characters will want their own too! 00:06:46.280 --> 00:06:48.442 You're lucky on that show these guys didn't come out 00:06:48.442 --> 00:06:50.582 Otherwise how would you be able to rip us off? Right? 00:06:50.582 --> 00:06:53.683 If you try to compete with China on who has more people you'll lose for sure 00:06:53.683 --> 00:06:55.480 Come on, try doing this! 00:06:55.480 --> 00:06:58.800 Actually, misunderstandings all arise from lack of mutual knowledge 00:06:58.800 --> 00:07:00.880 I can tell you're very interested in China 00:07:00.880 --> 00:07:05.231 Brother Conan. Welcome to China!