OPENING SEQUENCE (NOTHING)
Welcome to China's very own knockoff talk show, Da Peng DeBeDe.
I'm now Da Peng sans opening sequence.
I'm sorry. I lost face for Chinese people. I'm really very sorry.
I'm known to have a round face. Known as a host with a big face.
This time I really lost my big face in a big way!
Even the guy who sells breakfast crepes (think hotdogs) downstairs knows me now
Everyone probably knows what happened.
My first girlfriend just sent me a text
Says she regrets dumping me all those years ago
Because she saw me on an American TV show
Aiya, I'm 'International' now!
First let us take a look at the newest episode of the American talk show
Conan's (KeNan) Tonight Show [Not Leno]
(No Translation Needed)
Err...here on behalf of the production crew I want to apologize to Mr. Conan and his team
Really too 'sorry' for this thing
Stop stop stop
Can't dance any more
Now we're copying Korean pop
China has an old saying: "If you don't fight you don't get to know each other"
I guess this counts as me having a heart to heart with an international super star
I would ask Gu Da Bai [a well known translator of English shows] to help me translate
Our program will immediately stop using this opening sequence
And sincerely apologize to my American colleague
But I'm guessing after this apology I'll have to apologize again
Because on today's show we're still going to talk smack about you
Actually this thing came as quite a shock to me as well
Yesterday a friend sent me a SMS saying KeNan has his eyes on me
I got really scared because people say wherever Kenan (a Japanese anime detective) goes people die
Then I found out it wasn't Japan's Kenan but America's Kenan
Then I studiously watched his show
Aside from wanting to express my regret to you, sir
I also want to discuss some of the content of your show with you
First, that naked dude picture that you put up
Have to say his coolness pales in comparison to Zhang Chao Yang
And judging by his looks he's obviously Korean
It's said that when two sides do battle one tries to minimize collateral damage
By doing this you might have hurt the [naked] Korean dude's feelings
He might think you're making fun of him and that's not cool
After all I'm all Chinese and I'm afraid people will think I'm like Jeremy Lin
And think I'm a quarter Korean
Also, Sister Phoenix is still in the States [looking for a husband]
You can't put me on TV and make me look bad [in her eyes]
Then you said my show is 'weird'
Although my English is not too good I can't say I agree.
I just know 'One Two Three Four Five Six'
But when I looked up 'weird' I realized it was not a good word
You describe us this way because you don't understand Chinese
American humor is not the only type of humor in this world
Also some netizens saw your show and asked why he just called our show 'DaPeng'
And didn't say the show's entire name
I guess it's because our show's name is too hard to pronounce
Since we're having an exchange here today
So why don't you repeat after me and try to say the whole name
Da Peng De Ba De
De Ba De [Colloquial term for random chatter]. Follow me
De Ba De
No no no not 'Dao Bi Dao' or 'Der Bi Der'
Various Chinese celebrities trying to pronounce 'De Ba De' correctly
China has an old saying
Disaster and fortune usually go hand in hand. Things always have two sides.
For so many years Americans have been trying to export your culture and values to the world
You might be very happy to know China has millions of netizens watching your shows and are influenced by your humor
On the other hand [after you have influenced us so much] you are always saying [of our stuff] 'Oh bullshit this is all ripped off'
From this perspective I feel we're a bit nicer
China has bought so much of your national debt
But in this show we never make fun of you running around borrowing money from everyone
Also, the captions you put up. Really doesn't even make it to the elementary school second grade level of Chinese.
Even the meaning doesn't make any sense
You should do this. Look! Look!
Of course, in order to show our respects to Conan's production crew
From now our our actor who plays the [Chinese style] zombie
His show name will be changed to Mu He Chun En [the caption Conan used]
But now that he has a show name the other sideshow characters will want their own too!
You're lucky on that show these guys didn't come out
Otherwise how would you be able to rip us off? Right?
If you try to compete with China on who has more people you'll lose for sure
Come on, try doing this!
Actually, misunderstandings all arise from lack of mutual knowledge
I can tell you're very interested in China
Brother Conan. Welcome to China!