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OPENING SEQUENCE (NOTHING)

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Welcome to China's very own knockoff talk show, Da Peng DeBeDe.

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I'm now Da Peng sans opening sequence.

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I'm sorry. I lost face for Chinese people. I'm really very sorry.

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I'm known to have a round face. Known as a host with a big face.

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This time I really lost my big face in a big way!

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Even the guy who sells breakfast crepes (think hotdogs) downstairs knows me now

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Everyone probably knows what happened.

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My first girlfriend just sent me a text

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Says she regrets dumping me all those years ago

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Because she saw me on an American TV show

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Aiya, I'm 'International' now!

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First let us take a look at the newest episode of the American talk show

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Conan's (KeNan) Tonight Show [Not Leno]

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(No Translation Needed)

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Err...here on behalf of the production crew I want to apologize to Mr. Conan and his team

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Really too 'sorry' for this thing

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Stop stop stop

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Can't dance any more

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Now we're copying Korean pop

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China has an old saying: "If you don't fight you don't get to know each other"

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I guess this counts as me having a heart to heart with an international super star

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I would ask Gu Da Bai [a well known translator of English shows] to help me translate

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Our program will immediately stop using this opening sequence

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And sincerely apologize to my American colleague

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But I'm guessing after this apology I'll have to apologize again

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Because on today's show we're still going to talk smack about you

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Actually this thing came as quite a shock to me as well

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Yesterday a friend sent me a SMS saying KeNan has his eyes on me

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I got really scared because people say wherever Kenan (a Japanese anime detective) goes people die

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Then I found out it wasn't Japan's Kenan but America's Kenan

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Then I studiously watched his show

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Aside from wanting to express my regret to you, sir

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I also want to discuss some of the content of your show with you

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First, that naked dude picture that you put up

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Have to say his coolness pales in comparison to Zhang Chao Yang

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And judging by his looks he's obviously Korean

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It's said that when two sides do battle one tries to minimize collateral damage

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By doing this you might have hurt the [naked] Korean dude's feelings

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He might think you're making fun of him and that's not cool

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After all I'm all Chinese and I'm afraid people will think I'm like Jeremy Lin

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And think I'm a quarter Korean

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Also, Sister Phoenix is still in the States [looking for a husband]

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You can't put me on TV and make me look bad [in her eyes]

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Then you said my show is 'weird'

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Although my English is not too good I can't say I agree.

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I just know 'One Two Three Four Five Six'

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But when I looked up 'weird' I realized it was not a good word

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You describe us this way because you don't understand Chinese

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American humor is not the only type of humor in this world

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Also some netizens saw your show and asked why he just called our show 'DaPeng'

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And didn't say the show's entire name

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I guess it's because our show's name is too hard to pronounce

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Since we're having an exchange here today

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So why don't you repeat after me and try to say the whole name

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Da Peng De Ba De

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De Ba De [Colloquial term for random chatter]. Follow me

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De Ba De

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No no no not 'Dao Bi Dao' or 'Der Bi Der'

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Various Chinese celebrities trying to pronounce 'De Ba De' correctly

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China has an old saying

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Disaster and fortune usually go hand in hand. Things always have two sides.

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For so many years Americans have been trying to export your culture and values to the world

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You might be very happy to know China has millions of netizens watching your shows and are influenced by your humor

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On the other hand [after you have influenced us so much] you are always saying [of our stuff] 'Oh bullshit this is all ripped off'

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From this perspective I feel we're a bit nicer

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China has bought so much of your national debt

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But in this show we never make fun of you running around borrowing money from everyone

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Also, the captions you put up. Really doesn't even make it to the elementary school second grade level of Chinese.

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Even the meaning doesn't make any sense

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You should do this. Look! Look!

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Of course, in order to show our respects to Conan's production crew

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From now our our actor who plays the [Chinese style] zombie

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His show name will be changed to Mu He Chun En [the caption Conan used]

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But now that he has a show name the other sideshow characters will want their own too!

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You're lucky on that show these guys didn't come out

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Otherwise how would you be able to rip us off? Right?

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If you try to compete with China on who has more people you'll lose for sure

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Come on, try doing this!

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Actually, misunderstandings all arise from lack of mutual knowledge

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I can tell you're very interested in China

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Brother Conan. Welcome to China!