WEBVTT 00:00:00.774 --> 00:00:04.279 [Jeff] What I want you to do is I want you to look over there while I'm getting him out. Don't peek. 00:00:04.279 --> 00:00:05.993 [Achmed] OK. [Jeff] Just look over there. 00:00:05.993 --> 00:00:09.524 [Achmed] Hey, wait a minute, when I'm not looking, are you going to kill me? 00:00:10.908 --> 00:00:14.027 [Achmed] Now, that's actually a good way to do it, you know. 00:00:14.320 --> 00:00:17.276 [Achmed] Kind of old school, but effective. 00:00:17.276 --> 00:00:21.117 [Achmed] It's like, "Hey, look at that! .... [throttled noise] 00:00:21.117 --> 00:00:24.272 [Jeff] No, just look over there and don't look back until I say so. 00:00:24.272 --> 00:00:26.671 [Achmed] OK, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, hu? 00:00:26.671 --> 00:00:28.622 [Jeff] Yeah, just look over there [Achmed] OK 00:00:28.622 --> 00:00:31.422 [Jeff] Don't peek. [Achmed] OK, right, I'm not going to peek, but it's still... now? 00:00:31.422 --> 00:00:44.999 [Jeff] Nooo! [Achmed] OK! I didn't .... 00:00:44.999 --> 00:00:48.099 [Achmed] Aow! [Semi-skeleton => Achmed Junior => A.J.] Aow! 00:00:48.099 --> 00:00:50.609 [Achmed] Who the hell is that? 00:00:50.609 --> 00:01:08.517 [A.J.] Hello, Father! 00:01:08.517 --> 00:01:12.348 [Jeff] It's your son, Achmed Junior! 00:01:12.348 --> 00:01:15.743 [Achmed] A.J.? 00:01:15.743 --> 00:01:16.646 [A.J.] That's right. 00:01:16.646 --> 00:01:18.563 [Achmed] Wait, I thought you were dead! 00:01:18.563 --> 00:01:21.441 [A.J.] Surprise! 00:01:21.441 --> 00:01:22.340 [Jeff] This is great. 00:01:22.340 --> 00:01:28.070 [Achmed] Hey, what happened to your face? Oh, yeah. My bad. 00:01:28.070 --> 00:01:30.447 [Jeff] Achmed, he's your son! Look at him, what do you see? 00:01:30.447 --> 00:01:32.439 [Achmed] Well, he does have my eye [laughs]. 00:01:32.439 --> 00:01:37.004 [A.J.] Actually, I do, yes, I do. 00:01:37.004 --> 00:01:41.720 [Achmed] Why do you sound like Elton John? 00:01:41.720 --> 00:01:43.777 [Jeff] You were separated after the accident: he was raised in England. 00:01:43.777 --> 00:01:45.608 [A.J.] Did my mum miss me? 00:01:45.608 --> 00:01:49.810 [Achmed] Err, yeah, I don't know, what the hell mmmm 00:01:49.810 --> 00:01:51.625 [Jeff] How do you not know? 00:01:51.625 --> 00:02:00.504 [Achmed] Oops... 00:02:00.504 --> 00:02:03.629 [A.J.] What's wrong with your leg? 00:02:03.629 --> 00:02:07.872 [Achmed] NOTHING! ...What's wrong with my leg? 00:02:07.872 --> 00:02:12.303 [Achmed] Can you fix this? [Jeff] I don't think so... 00:02:12.303 --> 00:02:19.804 [Achmed] Damm it! 00:02:19.804 --> 00:02:23.579 [A.J.] Don't look at me! 00:02:23.579 --> 00:02:37.921 [Jeff] What if we get Marnel to help us? He works for us. [Achmed] Marneeeeel, come and fix my leg! 00:02:37.921 --> 00:02:46.706 [A.J.] He's kinda cute. 00:02:46.706 --> 00:02:50.301 [Achmed] Okay, moving oooon! 00:02:50.301 --> 00:02:53.246 [Jeff] Wait a minute, how do you not know who his mother is? 00:02:53.246 --> 00:02:55.690 [Achmed] I had 46 wives, you idiot! 00:02:55.690 --> 00:02:58.841 [Achmed] They all dressed the same and their faces were covered. 00:02:58.841 --> 00:03:04.038 [Jeff] How did you tell them apart? [Achmed] The numbers on theirs backs! 00:03:04.038 --> 00:03:11.539 [Jeff] That's terrible. [Achmed] I know. Mother's Day is a bitch. And so are most of the mothers. 00:03:11.539 --> 00:03:13.631 [A.J.] That's not funny at all. 00:03:13.631 --> 00:03:20.908 [Achmed] Atall? Who's Atall? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you. 00:03:20.908 --> 00:03:22.269 [Jeff] Bulgy-eyed? [Achmed] Well, look at him! 00:03:22.269 --> 00:03:26.533 [A.J.] Well, you are not exactly squinting. 00:03:26.533 --> 00:03:32.178 [Achmed] At least my face is balanced. I do manage to look asleep and terrified, all at the same time. 00:03:32.178 --> 00:03:33.964 [Jeff] Achmed, he is your son! 00:03:33.964 --> 00:03:46.926 [Achmed] Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower. 00:03:46.926 --> 00:03:48.395 [A.J.] You caused the accident. 00:03:48.395 --> 00:03:52.332 [Achmed] Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction. 00:03:52.332 --> 00:03:54.769 [A.J.] You didn't mean for it to happen! [Achmed] I did to! 00:03:54.769 --> 00:03:59.655 [A.J.] You did not! [Achmed] I did... oh shit! Marneeeeel! 00:03:59.655 --> 00:04:09.143 [Achmed] Son of a bitch! [A.J.] Are you talking to me now? 00:04:09.143 --> 00:04:13.537 [Achmed] Fix it right or I'll kick your ass! 00:04:13.537 --> 00:04:33.787 [Achmed] Marnel, come back! My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole! 00:04:33.787 --> 00:04:39.601 [A.J.] He can fix my pelvis anytime. [Achmed] Shut uuuup! 00:04:39.601 --> 00:04:44.319 [Jeff] OK look... So the explosion that you were talking about... how did that happen? 00:04:44.319 --> 00:04:46.648 [Achmed] Very precise and careful planning. [A.J.] Not exactly. 00:04:46.648 --> 00:04:48.383 [Achmed] I said shut up! [Jeff] What happened? 00:04:48.383 --> 00:04:53.350 [Achmed] NOTHING! [A.J.] He was putting gasoline in his scooter. 00:04:53.350 --> 00:04:58.705 [Jeff] So why was there an explosion? [Achmed] Shit happens. 00:04:58.705 --> 00:05:00.986 [A.J.] He was using his cellphone. [Jeff] Really? 00:05:00.986 --> 00:05:01.812 [Achmed] What? 00:05:01.812 --> 00:05:04.179 [Jeff] While putting gas in your scooter, you know, that's dangerous. 00:05:04.179 --> 00:05:06.319 [Achmed] Well it was your mother who called! [A.J.] Really? 00:05:06.319 --> 00:05:08.847 [Achmed] I don't know. 00:05:08.847 --> 00:05:12.198 [Jeff] What was her name? [Achmed] Forty-two. 00:05:12.198 --> 00:05:15.597 [Jeff] And you guys haven't had any contact since? [Achmed] Not much, he is a bad son. 00:05:15.597 --> 00:05:18.057 [A.J] I am not! [Achmed] Tell him what you sent me for my birthday! 00:05:18.057 --> 00:05:20.255 [A.J.] It was a honest mistake. [Jeff] What you sent him? 00:05:20.255 --> 00:05:25.501 [Achmed] He sent me a bottle of skin lotion. 00:05:25.501 --> 00:05:27.031 [A.J.] He made it worse. [Jeff] What did you do? 00:05:27.031 --> 00:05:34.639 [Achmed] I sent him back half a bottle, ja ja! 00:05:34.639 --> 00:05:36.926 [Jeff] You know, maybe you should try to patch things up. 00:05:36.926 --> 00:05:40.939 [Achmed] Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch. 00:05:40.939 --> 00:05:43.912 [A.J.] But I'm here for a reason! [Achmed] What? a skin graft, sorry? I'm all out! 00:05:43.912 --> 00:05:51.706 [Achmed] Fuck, Marneeeeel! Come and fix my fucking leg! 00:05:51.706 --> 00:05:55.043 [Achmed] ... eat(?) duct tape you asshole! 00:05:55.043 --> 00:06:14.877 [Jeff] Actually he brought duct tape... 00:06:14.877 --> 00:06:23.223 [A.J.] He's kinky too. [Achmed] Shut uup! 00:06:23.223 --> 00:06:25.778 [Jeff] So, Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here? 00:06:25.778 --> 00:06:31.356 [Achmed] Well, wait a minute... This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it? 00:06:31.356 --> 00:06:36.281 [Achmed] That bitch, whichever one she was. [Jeff] No, that's not it. 00:06:36.281 --> 00:06:38.672 [Achmed] This is that, because I've seen the crap that you're going through 00:06:53.024 --> 00:06:59.035 [Jeff] Yes, thank you. [Achmed] Okay, good luck with the Judge. 00:06:38.672 --> 00:06:42.256 and I don't know how you can afford even a T-shirt! 00:06:42.256 --> 00:06:53.024 [Jeff] Thank you. [Achmed] Did I say that just how you wrote it? 00:06:59.035 --> 00:07:03.620 [Achmed] I hope he's fair. [Jeff] Actually, the Judge is a woman 00:07:03.620 --> 00:07:07.819 [A.J] You're fucked 00:07:07.819 --> 00:07:12.018 [Achmed] OK, listen you! [Jeff] Achmed, you're getting hostile. 00:07:12.018 --> 00:07:14.805 [Achmed] Of course I'm getting hostile, I'm a terrorist, you idiot! 00:07:14.805 --> 00:07:17.459 [Achmed] You piss me off, I kill you! 00:07:17.459 --> 00:07:19.770 [A.J.] Would that really solve anything? 00:07:19.770 --> 00:07:23.059 [Achmed] Pretty much, yeah, I think it does. 00:07:23.059 --> 00:07:25.493 [Jeff] OK [Achmed] I have nothing in common with my own son. 00:07:25.493 --> 00:07:27.077 [Jeff] Well, just talk to him. [Achmed] How? 00:07:27.077 --> 00:07:29.176 [Jeff] I don't know, like you would to anybody. [Achmed] OK. WTF! 00:07:29.176 --> 00:07:44.979 OMG. I mean OMA. 00:07:44.979 --> 00:07:47.062 [Jeff] And you have no idea why he's here? 00:07:47.062 --> 00:07:48.713 [Achmed] To start his training as a terrorist. 00:07:48.713 --> 00:07:52.188 [A.J.] No, Father, that's just it: I don't want to be a terrorist. 00:07:52.188 --> 00:07:55.106 [Achmed] Uh? But I want you to be just like me. 00:07:55.106 --> 00:07:57.164 [A.J.] Well, I'm not, and I won't be. 00:07:57.164 --> 00:07:59.297 [Jeff] Achmed, can you accept that? 00:07:59.297 --> 00:08:01.487 [Achmed] I guess I can try. 00:08:01.487 --> 00:08:03.871 [Jeff] And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it? 00:08:03.871 --> 00:08:06.247 [A.J.] I kill you. 00:08:06.247 --> 00:08:10.247 [Achmed] That's my boy!