[Jeff] What I want you to do is I want you to look over there while I'm getting him out. Don't peek.

[Achmed] OK.
[Jeff] Just look over there.

[Achmed] Hey, wait a minute, 
when I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?

[Achmed] Now, that's actually a good way to do it,
you know.

[Achmed] Kind of old school, but effective.

[Achmed] It's like, "Hey, look at that! .... [throttled noise]

[Jeff] No, just look over there and don't look back until I say so.

[Achmed] OK, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, hu?

[Jeff] Yeah, just look over there
[Achmed] OK

[Jeff] Don't peek.
[Achmed] OK, right, I'm not going to peek, but it's still... now?

[Jeff] Nooo! 
[Achmed] OK! I didn't ....

[Achmed] Aow!
[Semi-skeleton => Achmed Junior => A.J.] Aow!

[Achmed] Who the hell is that?

[A.J.] Hello, Father!

[Jeff] It's your son, Achmed Junior!

[Achmed] A.J.?

[A.J.] That's right.

[Achmed] Wait, I thought you were dead!

[A.J.] Surprise!

[Jeff] This is great.

[Achmed] Hey, what happened to your face?
Oh, yeah. My bad.

[Jeff] Achmed, he's your son! Look at him, what do you see?

[Achmed] Well, he does have my eye [laughs].

[A.J.] Actually, I do, yes, I do.

[Achmed] Why do you sound like Elton John?

[Jeff] You were separated after the accident: he was raised in England.

[A.J.] Did my mum miss me?

[Achmed] Err, yeah, I don't know, what the hell mmmm

[Jeff] How do you not know?

[Achmed] Oops...

[A.J.] What's wrong with your leg?

[Achmed] NOTHING! ...What's wrong with my leg?

[Achmed] Can you fix this?
[Jeff] I don't think so...

[Achmed] Damm it!

[A.J.] Don't look at me!

[Jeff] What if we get Marnel to help us? He works for us.
[Achmed] Marneeeeel, come and fix my leg!

[A.J.] He's kinda cute.

[Achmed] Okay, moving oooon!

[Jeff] Wait a minute, how do you not know who his mother is?

[Achmed] I had 46 wives, you idiot!

[Achmed] They all dressed the same
and their faces were covered.

[Jeff] How did you tell them apart?
[Achmed] The numbers on theirs backs!

[Jeff] That's terrible.
[Achmed] I know. Mother's Day is a bitch. And so are most of the mothers.

[A.J.] That's not funny at all.

[Achmed] Atall? Who's Atall? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you.

[Jeff] Bulgy-eyed?
[Achmed] Well, look at him!

[A.J.] Well, you are not exactly squinting.

[Achmed] At least my face is balanced. I do manage to look asleep and terrified, all at the same time.

[Jeff] Achmed, he is your son!

[Achmed] Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower.

[A.J.] You caused the accident.

[Achmed] Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction.

[A.J.] You didn't mean for it to happen!
[Achmed] I did to!

[A.J.] You did not!
[Achmed] I did... oh shit! Marneeeeel!

[Achmed] Son of a bitch!
[A.J.] Are you talking to me now?

[Achmed] Fix it right or I'll kick your ass!

[Achmed] Marnel, come back!
My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole!

[A.J.] He can fix my pelvis anytime.
[Achmed] Shut uuuup!

[Jeff] OK look... So the explosion that you were talking about... how did that happen?

[Achmed] Very precise and careful planning.
[A.J.] Not exactly.

[Achmed] I said shut up!
[Jeff] What happened?

[Achmed] NOTHING!
[A.J.] He was putting gasoline in his scooter.

[Jeff] So why was there an explosion?
[Achmed] Shit happens.

[A.J.] He was using his cellphone.
[Jeff] Really?

[Achmed] What?

[Jeff] While putting gas in your scooter,
you know, that's dangerous.

[Achmed] Well it was your mother who called!
[A.J.] Really?

[Achmed] I don't know.

[Jeff] What was her name?
[Achmed] Forty-two.

[Jeff] And you guys haven't had any contact since?
[Achmed] Not much, he is a bad son.

[A.J] I am not!
[Achmed] Tell him what you sent me for my birthday!

[A.J.] It was a honest mistake.
[Jeff] What you sent him?

[Achmed] He sent me a bottle of skin lotion.

[A.J.] He made it worse.
[Jeff] What did you do?

[Achmed] I sent him back half a bottle, ja ja!

[Jeff] You know, maybe you should try to patch things up.

[Achmed] Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch.

[A.J.] But I'm here for a reason!
[Achmed] What? a skin graft, sorry? I'm all out!

[Achmed] Fuck, Marneeeeel!
Come and fix my fucking leg!

[Achmed] ... eat(?) duct tape you asshole!

[Jeff] Actually he brought duct tape...

[A.J.] He's kinky too.
[Achmed] Shut uup!

[Jeff] So, Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here?

[Achmed] Well, wait a minute... This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it?

[Achmed] That bitch, whichever one she was.
[Jeff] No, that's not it.

[Achmed] This is that, because I've seen the crap that you're going through

[Jeff] Yes, thank you.
[Achmed] Okay, good luck with the Judge.

and I don't know how you can afford even a T-shirt!

[Jeff] Thank you.
[Achmed] Did I say that just how you wrote it?

[Achmed] I hope he's fair.
[Jeff] Actually, the Judge is a woman

[A.J] You're fucked

[Achmed] OK, listen you!
[Jeff] Achmed, you're getting hostile.

[Achmed] Of course I'm getting hostile,
I'm a terrorist, you idiot!

[Achmed] You piss me off, I kill you!

[A.J.] Would that really solve anything?

[Achmed] Pretty much, yeah, I think it does.

[Jeff] OK
[Achmed] I have nothing in common with my own son.

[Jeff] Well, just talk to him.
[Achmed] How?

[Jeff] I don't know, like you would to anybody.
[Achmed] OK. WTF!

OMG. I mean OMA.

[Jeff] And you have no idea why he's here?

[Achmed] To start his training as a terrorist.

[A.J.] No, Father, that's just it: I don't want to be a terrorist.

[Achmed] Uh? But I want you to be just like me.

[A.J.] Well, I'm not, and I won't be.

[Jeff] Achmed, can you accept that?

[Achmed] I guess I can try.

[Jeff] And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it?

[A.J.] I kill you.

[Achmed] That's my boy!