1
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[Jeff] What I want you to do is I want you to look over there while I'm getting him out. Don't peek.

2
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[Achmed] OK.
[Jeff] Just look over there.

3
00:00:05,993 --> 00:00:09,524
[Achmed] Hey, wait a minute, 
when I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?

4
00:00:10,908 --> 00:00:14,027
[Achmed] Now, that's actually a good way to do it,
you know.

5
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[Achmed] Kind of old school, but effective.

6
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[Achmed] It's like, "Hey, look at that! .... [throttled noise]

7
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[Jeff] No, just look over there and don't look back until I say so.

8
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[Achmed] OK, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, hu?

9
00:00:26,671 --> 00:00:28,622
[Jeff] Yeah, just look over there
[Achmed] OK

10
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[Jeff] Don't peek.
[Achmed] OK, right, I'm not going to peek, but it's still... now?

11
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[Jeff] Nooo! 
[Achmed] OK! I didn't ....

12
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[Achmed] Aow!
[Semi-skeleton => Achmed Junior => A.J.] Aow!

13
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[Achmed] Who the hell is that?

14
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[A.J.] Hello, Father!

15
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[Jeff] It's your son, Achmed Junior!

16
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[Achmed] A.J.?

17
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[A.J.] That's right.

18
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[Achmed] Wait, I thought you were dead!

19
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[A.J.] Surprise!

20
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[Jeff] This is great.

21
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[Achmed] Hey, what happened to your face?
Oh, yeah. My bad.

22
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[Jeff] Achmed, he's your son! Look at him, what do you see?

23
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[Achmed] Well, he does have my eye [laughs].

24
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[A.J.] Actually, I do, yes, I do.

25
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[Achmed] Why do you sound like Elton John?

26
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[Jeff] You were separated after the accident: he was raised in England.

27
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[A.J.] Did my mum miss me?

28
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[Achmed] Err, yeah, I don't know, what the hell mmmm

29
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[Jeff] How do you not know?

30
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[Achmed] Oops...

31
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[A.J.] What's wrong with your leg?

32
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[Achmed] NOTHING! ...What's wrong with my leg?

33
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[Achmed] Can you fix this?
[Jeff] I don't think so...

34
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[Achmed] Damm it!

35
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[A.J.] Don't look at me!

36
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[Jeff] What if we get Marnel to help us? He works for us.
[Achmed] Marneeeeel, come and fix my leg!

37
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[A.J.] He's kinda cute.

38
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[Achmed] Okay, moving oooon!

39
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[Jeff] Wait a minute, how do you not know who his mother is?

40
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[Achmed] I had 46 wives, you idiot!

41
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[Achmed] They all dressed the same
and their faces were covered.

42
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[Jeff] How did you tell them apart?
[Achmed] The numbers on theirs backs!

43
00:03:04,038 --> 00:03:11,539
[Jeff] That's terrible.
[Achmed] I know. Mother's Day is a bitch. And so are most of the mothers.

44
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[A.J.] That's not funny at all.

45
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[Achmed] Atall? Who's Atall? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you.

46
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[Jeff] Bulgy-eyed?
[Achmed] Well, look at him!

47
00:03:22,269 --> 00:03:26,533
[A.J.] Well, you are not exactly squinting.

48
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[Achmed] At least my face is balanced. I do manage to look asleep and terrified, all at the same time.

49
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[Jeff] Achmed, he is your son!

50
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[Achmed] Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower.

51
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[A.J.] You caused the accident.

52
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[Achmed] Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction.

53
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[A.J.] You didn't mean for it to happen!
[Achmed] I did to!

54
00:03:54,769 --> 00:03:59,655
[A.J.] You did not!
[Achmed] I did... oh shit! Marneeeeel!

55
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[Achmed] Son of a bitch!
[A.J.] Are you talking to me now?

56
00:04:09,143 --> 00:04:13,537
[Achmed] Fix it right or I'll kick your ass!

57
00:04:13,537 --> 00:04:33,787
[Achmed] Marnel, come back!
My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole!

58
00:04:33,787 --> 00:04:39,601
[A.J.] He can fix my pelvis anytime.
[Achmed] Shut uuuup!

59
00:04:39,601 --> 00:04:44,319
[Jeff] OK look... So the explosion that you were talking about... how did that happen?

60
00:04:44,319 --> 00:04:46,648
[Achmed] Very precise and careful planning.
[A.J.] Not exactly.

61
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[Achmed] I said shut up!
[Jeff] What happened?

62
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[Achmed] NOTHING!
[A.J.] He was putting gasoline in his scooter.

63
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[Jeff] So why was there an explosion?
[Achmed] Shit happens.

64
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[A.J.] He was using his cellphone.
[Jeff] Really?

65
00:05:00,986 --> 00:05:01,812
[Achmed] What?

66
00:05:01,812 --> 00:05:04,179
[Jeff] While putting gas in your scooter,
you know, that's dangerous.

67
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:06,319
[Achmed] Well it was your mother who called!
[A.J.] Really?

68
00:05:06,319 --> 00:05:08,847
[Achmed] I don't know.

69
00:05:08,847 --> 00:05:12,198
[Jeff] What was her name?
[Achmed] Forty-two.

70
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[Jeff] And you guys haven't had any contact since?
[Achmed] Not much, he is a bad son.

71
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[A.J] I am not!
[Achmed] Tell him what you sent me for my birthday!

72
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[A.J.] It was a honest mistake.
[Jeff] What you sent him?

73
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[Achmed] He sent me a bottle of skin lotion.

74
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[A.J.] He made it worse.
[Jeff] What did you do?

75
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[Achmed] I sent him back half a bottle, ja ja!

76
00:05:34,639 --> 00:05:36,926
[Jeff] You know, maybe you should try to patch things up.

77
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[Achmed] Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch.

78
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[A.J.] But I'm here for a reason!
[Achmed] What? a skin graft, sorry? I'm all out!

79
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[Achmed] Fuck, Marneeeeel!
Come and fix my fucking leg!

80
00:05:51,706 --> 00:05:55,043
[Achmed] ... eat(?) duct tape you asshole!

81
00:05:55,043 --> 00:06:14,877
[Jeff] Actually he brought duct tape...

82
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[A.J.] He's kinky too.
[Achmed] Shut uup!

83
00:06:23,223 --> 00:06:25,778
[Jeff] So, Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here?

84
00:06:25,778 --> 00:06:31,356
[Achmed] Well, wait a minute... This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it?

85
00:06:31,356 --> 00:06:36,281
[Achmed] That bitch, whichever one she was.
[Jeff] No, that's not it.

86
00:06:36,281 --> 00:06:38,672
[Achmed] This is that, because I've seen the crap that you're going through

87
00:06:53,024 --> 00:06:59,035
[Jeff] Yes, thank you.
[Achmed] Okay, good luck with the Judge.

88
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and I don't know how you can afford even a T-shirt!

89
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[Jeff] Thank you.
[Achmed] Did I say that just how you wrote it?

90
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[Achmed] I hope he's fair.
[Jeff] Actually, the Judge is a woman

91
00:07:03,620 --> 00:07:07,819
[A.J] You're fucked

92
00:07:07,819 --> 00:07:12,018
[Achmed] OK, listen you!
[Jeff] Achmed, you're getting hostile.

93
00:07:12,018 --> 00:07:14,805
[Achmed] Of course I'm getting hostile,
I'm a terrorist, you idiot!

94
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[Achmed] You piss me off, I kill you!

95
00:07:17,459 --> 00:07:19,770
[A.J.] Would that really solve anything?

96
00:07:19,770 --> 00:07:23,059
[Achmed] Pretty much, yeah, I think it does.

97
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[Jeff] OK
[Achmed] I have nothing in common with my own son.

98
00:07:25,493 --> 00:07:27,077
[Jeff] Well, just talk to him.
[Achmed] How?

99
00:07:27,077 --> 00:07:29,176
[Jeff] I don't know, like you would to anybody.
[Achmed] OK. WTF!

100
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OMG. I mean OMA.

101
00:07:44,979 --> 00:07:47,062
[Jeff] And you have no idea why he's here?

102
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[Achmed] To start his training as a terrorist.

103
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[A.J.] No, Father, that's just it: I don't want to be a terrorist.

104
00:07:52,188 --> 00:07:55,106
[Achmed] Uh? But I want you to be just like me.

105
00:07:55,106 --> 00:07:57,164
[A.J.] Well, I'm not, and I won't be.

106
00:07:57,164 --> 00:07:59,297
[Jeff] Achmed, can you accept that?

107
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[Achmed] I guess I can try.

108
00:08:01,487 --> 00:08:03,871
[Jeff] And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it?

109
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[A.J.] I kill you.

110
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[Achmed] That's my boy!