0:00:00.774,0:00:04.279
[Jeff] What I want you to do is I want you to look over there while I'm getting him out. Don't peek.

0:00:04.279,0:00:05.993
[Achmed] OK.[br][Jeff] Just look over there.

0:00:05.993,0:00:09.524
[Achmed] Hey, wait a minute, [br]when I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?

0:00:10.908,0:00:14.027
[Achmed] Now, that's actually a good way to do it,[br]you know.

0:00:14.320,0:00:17.276
[Achmed] Kind of old school, but effective.

0:00:17.276,0:00:21.117
[Achmed] It's like, "Hey, look at that! .... [throttled noise]

0:00:21.117,0:00:24.272
[Jeff] No, just look over there and don't look back until I say so.

0:00:24.272,0:00:26.671
[Achmed] OK, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, hu?

0:00:26.671,0:00:28.622
[Jeff] Yeah, just look over there[br][Achmed] OK

0:00:28.622,0:00:31.422
[Jeff] Don't peek.[br][Achmed] OK, right, I'm not going to peek, but it's still... now?

0:00:31.422,0:00:44.999
[Jeff] Nooo! [br][Achmed] OK! I didn't ....

0:00:44.999,0:00:48.099
[Achmed] Aow![br][Semi-skeleton => Achmed Junior => A.J.] Aow!

0:00:48.099,0:00:50.609
[Achmed] Who the hell is that?

0:00:50.609,0:01:08.517
[A.J.] Hello, Father!

0:01:08.517,0:01:12.348
[Jeff] It's your son, Achmed Junior!

0:01:12.348,0:01:15.743
[Achmed] A.J.?

0:01:15.743,0:01:16.646
[A.J.] That's right.

0:01:16.646,0:01:18.563
[Achmed] Wait, I thought you were dead!

0:01:18.563,0:01:21.441
[A.J.] Surprise!

0:01:21.441,0:01:22.340
[Jeff] This is great.

0:01:22.340,0:01:28.070
[Achmed] Hey, what happened to your face?[br]Oh, yeah. My bad.

0:01:28.070,0:01:30.447
[Jeff] Achmed, he's your son! Look at him, what do you see?

0:01:30.447,0:01:32.439
[Achmed] Well, he does have my eye [laughs].

0:01:32.439,0:01:37.004
[A.J.] Actually, I do, yes, I do.

0:01:37.004,0:01:41.720
[Achmed] Why do you sound like Elton John?

0:01:41.720,0:01:43.777
[Jeff] You were separated after the accident: he was raised in England.

0:01:43.777,0:01:45.608
[A.J.] Did my mum miss me?

0:01:45.608,0:01:49.810
[Achmed] Err, yeah, I don't know, what the hell mmmm

0:01:49.810,0:01:51.625
[Jeff] How do you not know?

0:01:51.625,0:02:00.504
[Achmed] Oops...

0:02:00.504,0:02:03.629
[A.J.] What's wrong with your leg?

0:02:03.629,0:02:07.872
[Achmed] NOTHING! ...What's wrong with my leg?

0:02:07.872,0:02:12.303
[Achmed] Can you fix this?[br][Jeff] I don't think so...

0:02:12.303,0:02:19.804
[Achmed] Damm it!

0:02:19.804,0:02:23.579
[A.J.] Don't look at me!

0:02:23.579,0:02:37.921
[Jeff] What if we get Marnel to help us? He works for us.[br][Achmed] Marneeeeel, come and fix my leg!

0:02:37.921,0:02:46.706
[A.J.] He's kinda cute.

0:02:46.706,0:02:50.301
[Achmed] Okay, moving oooon!

0:02:50.301,0:02:53.246
[Jeff] Wait a minute, how do you not know who his mother is?

0:02:53.246,0:02:55.690
[Achmed] I had 46 wives, you idiot!

0:02:55.690,0:02:58.841
[Achmed] They all dressed the same[br]and their faces were covered.

0:02:58.841,0:03:04.038
[Jeff] How did you tell them apart?[br][Achmed] The numbers on theirs backs!

0:03:04.038,0:03:11.539
[Jeff] That's terrible.[br][Achmed] I know. Mother's Day is a bitch. And so are most of the mothers.

0:03:11.539,0:03:13.631
[A.J.] That's not funny at all.

0:03:13.631,0:03:20.908
[Achmed] Atall? Who's Atall? Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you.

0:03:20.908,0:03:22.269
[Jeff] Bulgy-eyed?[br][Achmed] Well, look at him!

0:03:22.269,0:03:26.533
[A.J.] Well, you are not exactly squinting.

0:03:26.533,0:03:32.178
[Achmed] At least my face is balanced. I do manage to look asleep and terrified, all at the same time.

0:03:32.178,0:03:33.964
[Jeff] Achmed, he is your son!

0:03:33.964,0:03:46.926
[Achmed] Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower.

0:03:46.926,0:03:48.395
[A.J.] You caused the accident.

0:03:48.395,0:03:52.332
[Achmed] Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction.

0:03:52.332,0:03:54.769
[A.J.] You didn't mean for it to happen![br][Achmed] I did to!

0:03:54.769,0:03:59.655
[A.J.] You did not![br][Achmed] I did... oh shit! Marneeeeel!

0:03:59.655,0:04:09.143
[Achmed] Son of a bitch![br][A.J.] Are you talking to me now?

0:04:09.143,0:04:13.537
[Achmed] Fix it right or I'll kick your ass!

0:04:13.537,0:04:33.787
[Achmed] Marnel, come back![br]My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole!

0:04:33.787,0:04:39.601
[A.J.] He can fix my pelvis anytime.[br][Achmed] Shut uuuup!

0:04:39.601,0:04:44.319
[Jeff] OK look... So the explosion that you were talking about... how did that happen?

0:04:44.319,0:04:46.648
[Achmed] Very precise and careful planning.[br][A.J.] Not exactly.

0:04:46.648,0:04:48.383
[Achmed] I said shut up![br][Jeff] What happened?

0:04:48.383,0:04:53.350
[Achmed] NOTHING![br][A.J.] He was putting gasoline in his scooter.

0:04:53.350,0:04:58.705
[Jeff] So why was there an explosion?[br][Achmed] Shit happens.

0:04:58.705,0:05:00.986
[A.J.] He was using his cellphone.[br][Jeff] Really?

0:05:00.986,0:05:01.812
[Achmed] What?

0:05:01.812,0:05:04.179
[Jeff] While putting gas in your scooter,[br]you know, that's dangerous.

0:05:04.179,0:05:06.319
[Achmed] Well it was your mother who called![br][A.J.] Really?

0:05:06.319,0:05:08.847
[Achmed] I don't know.

0:05:08.847,0:05:12.198
[Jeff] What was her name?[br][Achmed] Forty-two.

0:05:12.198,0:05:15.597
[Jeff] And you guys haven't had any contact since?[br][Achmed] Not much, he is a bad son.

0:05:15.597,0:05:18.057
[A.J] I am not![br][Achmed] Tell him what you sent me for my birthday!

0:05:18.057,0:05:20.255
[A.J.] It was a honest mistake.[br][Jeff] What you sent him?

0:05:20.255,0:05:25.501
[Achmed] He sent me a bottle of skin lotion.

0:05:25.501,0:05:27.031
[A.J.] He made it worse.[br][Jeff] What did you do?

0:05:27.031,0:05:34.639
[Achmed] I sent him back half a bottle, ja ja!

0:05:34.639,0:05:36.926
[Jeff] You know, maybe you should try to patch things up.

0:05:36.926,0:05:40.939
[Achmed] Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch.

0:05:40.939,0:05:43.912
[A.J.] But I'm here for a reason![br][Achmed] What? a skin graft, sorry? I'm all out!

0:05:43.912,0:05:51.706
[Achmed] Fuck, Marneeeeel![br]Come and fix my fucking leg!

0:05:51.706,0:05:55.043
[Achmed] ... eat(?) duct tape you asshole!

0:05:55.043,0:06:14.877
[Jeff] Actually he brought duct tape...

0:06:14.877,0:06:23.223
[A.J.] He's kinky too.[br][Achmed] Shut uup!

0:06:23.223,0:06:25.778
[Jeff] So, Achmed, do you know why A.J. is here?

0:06:25.778,0:06:31.356
[Achmed] Well, wait a minute... This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it?

0:06:31.356,0:06:36.281
[Achmed] That bitch, whichever one she was.[br][Jeff] No, that's not it.

0:06:36.281,0:06:38.672
[Achmed] This is that, because I've seen the crap that you're going through

0:06:53.024,0:06:59.035
[Jeff] Yes, thank you.[br][Achmed] Okay, good luck with the Judge.

0:06:38.672,0:06:42.256
and I don't know how you can afford even a T-shirt!

0:06:42.256,0:06:53.024
[Jeff] Thank you.[br][Achmed] Did I say that just how you wrote it?

0:06:59.035,0:07:03.620
[Achmed] I hope he's fair.[br][Jeff] Actually, the Judge is a woman

0:07:03.620,0:07:07.819
[A.J] You're fucked

0:07:07.819,0:07:12.018
[Achmed] OK, listen you![br][Jeff] Achmed, you're getting hostile.

0:07:12.018,0:07:14.805
[Achmed] Of course I'm getting hostile,[br]I'm a terrorist, you idiot!

0:07:14.805,0:07:17.459
[Achmed] You piss me off, I kill you!

0:07:17.459,0:07:19.770
[A.J.] Would that really solve anything?

0:07:19.770,0:07:23.059
[Achmed] Pretty much, yeah, I think it does.

0:07:23.059,0:07:25.493
[Jeff] OK[br][Achmed] I have nothing in common with my own son.

0:07:25.493,0:07:27.077
[Jeff] Well, just talk to him.[br][Achmed] How?

0:07:27.077,0:07:29.176
[Jeff] I don't know, like you would to anybody.[br][Achmed] OK. WTF!

0:07:29.176,0:07:44.979
OMG. I mean OMA.

0:07:44.979,0:07:47.062
[Jeff] And you have no idea why he's here?

0:07:47.062,0:07:48.713
[Achmed] To start his training as a terrorist.

0:07:48.713,0:07:52.188
[A.J.] No, Father, that's just it: I don't want to be a terrorist.

0:07:52.188,0:07:55.106
[Achmed] Uh? But I want you to be just like me.

0:07:55.106,0:07:57.164
[A.J.] Well, I'm not, and I won't be.

0:07:57.164,0:07:59.297
[Jeff] Achmed, can you accept that?

0:07:59.297,0:08:01.487
[Achmed] I guess I can try.

0:08:01.487,0:08:03.871
[Jeff] And A.J., what if he doesn't accept it?

0:08:03.871,0:08:06.247
[A.J.] I kill you.

0:08:06.247,0:08:10.247
[Achmed] That's my boy!