[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.34,0:00:02.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Laughter; laughter intersperses the whole show]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:02.74,0:00:08.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We care so much about health, that during the last 25 years, we destroyed water.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.83,0:00:12.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause when I was a child, this was the simplest thing of all.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.33,0:00:15.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This was the essence of life, and when you were thirsty-
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.72,0:00:18.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's the operative word, ladies and gentlemen:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.21,0:00:25.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the word is, and has, and will always be "thirsty", " not hydrate- they made that fucking word up.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.28,0:00:32.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could go anywhere in my house when I was a child.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.52,0:00:35.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, there was three or four different rooms.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.26,0:00:41.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could go into my basement, and I could get clean water, and drink it [pleased noise]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.91,0:00:48.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then go back out and play, and those were great times.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.54,0:01:00.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then, then we decided every town and every village
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.63,0:01:02.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which had all the water coming to it,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.77,0:01:05.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and all they had to do was clean it, said: "We'll save money.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.90,0:01:09.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We won't clean the water so much, and with the money we can save,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.83,0:01:12.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we can then buy the water at the supermarket."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.49,0:01:17.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Try to go through this logic with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.01,0:01:26.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our country had water coming to our homes, and even if we were locked out,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.10,0:01:27.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we could still get it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.80,0:01:32.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Clean water, and we said, "No! Fuck you!
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.86,0:01:34.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want it to be that goddamned convenient.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.60,0:01:41.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanna drive, and drive, and drive, and look for water, like my ancestors did. "
Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.04,0:01:53.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we now buy water from Coke and Pepsi, 'cause when I think clean water,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.91,0:01:56.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh yeah, I fucking think Coke and Pepsi.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.41,0:02:01.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The water that they sell is actually so shitty
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.91,0:02:05.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they won't put it in Coke and Pepsi, and that's not funny
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.26,0:02:07.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it's fucking probably true.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.16,0:02:19.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Aquafina ? I think it means the end of water as we know it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.81,0:02:29.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then there's spring water. All sorts of spring waters.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.82,0:02:32.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Deer Park, which I don't touch, 'cause there's a picture of a deer,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.73,0:02:35.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you don't need a deer pissing and shitting in your water.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.13,0:02:41.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's all sorts of spring waters. It's bullshit.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.30,0:02:44.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because nobody's ever seen a spring.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.10,0:02:45.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody's ever fucking seen a spring.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.32,0:02:49.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Uh-uh, there's no such thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.33,0:02:54.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck! When was the last time you said: "Boy, I can't wait to go to a bottling plant"?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.71,0:02:58.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know where spring water comes from ?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.03,0:03:03.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a couple in Pittsburgh that sits in a bathtub, and fills these fuckers up.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.85,0:03:10.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause that's how stupid they think we are.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.94,0:03:17.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They think we're so stupid that on many bottles of spring water, they print the nutritional facts.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.43,0:03:22.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The nutritional facts of water!
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.52,0:03:29.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How dumb do they think we are ?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.05,0:03:38.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's as if they believed that we fell asleep on a nuclear reactor, and our brains had melted,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.14,0:03:42.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we are now nothing more than meat with eyes.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.70,0:03:48.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wonder how many calories are inn water! Let me look! Arrrrhhhh!
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.20,0:03:59.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Total fat" Total fuck fat in water.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.51,0:04:08.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What that implies is that there's water with chunks of fat in it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.88,0:04:14.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I gotta find that water, 'cause that's the tasty goddamned water.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.99,0:04:31.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if that weren't enough, they print next to the calories and the total fat,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.04,0:04:37.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all of the zeroes that are there, they print the percent of our daily requirement.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.73,0:04:46.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If they think we're that stupid, the labels on spring water
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.18,0:04:54.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,should just be written in crayon with the "r" reversed, and a finger like this.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.47,0:05:15.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was a kid, and water was free, nobody ever told you how much water to drink, ever.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.71,0:05:18.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Four glasses of milk, nothing about water.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.54,0:05:24.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then, they started bottling water, and as soon as they started bottling it,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.10,0:05:25.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they said eight bottles a day.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.54,0:05:26.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Eight!
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.33,0:05:28.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Eight, you fuckers!
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.78,0:05:31.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's like a goddamned homework assignment.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.72,0:05:36.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't remember what day it is, now I gotta remember how many bottles of water I drank? Fuck you!
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.53,0:05:41.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's 56 bottles of water a week.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.06,0:05:43.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You need a burro to carry that much shit around.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.34,0:05:52.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, many doctors say,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.15,0:05:56.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at the end of the week, you should take a garden hose, and shove it up your ass.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.94,0:06:10.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's the kicker-- you're gonna love this.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.92,0:06:18.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Scientists have begun to experiment to find out the effects of water on our system.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.35,0:06:20.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And guess what?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.97,0:06:24.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're probably drinking too much water.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.23,0:06:31.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And by the sound of your reaction, I realize that some of you are fucked.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.20,0:06:36.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You've been scarfing this shit down.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.20,0:06:41.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You've been yelling: "Look at me, look at me! My pee has no color."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.80,0:06:52.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's because you've pissed all the nutrients in your brain away,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.26,0:06:54.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you're lucky that your head hasn't caved in.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.35,0:07:06.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There are people who walk out of their apartments in New York City
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.49,0:07:15.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,every morning of every work week, carrying a liter bottle of water in a sling,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.08,0:07:18.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if it was a little baby.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.55,0:07:25.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're carrying a liter bottle of water with them
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.32,0:07:28.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if they were crossing the goddamned Mojave!
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.36,0:07:33.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What if I never see water again?"
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.97,0:07:46.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The bottom line is, is that nobody knows.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.73,0:07:49.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody knows shit about health.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.50,0:07:54.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know this because there was an article written a few years ago
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.08,0:07:56.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about a gentleman living in the Bronx.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.40,0:07:58.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The oldest man living in New York.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.33,0:08:00.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,115 years old.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.94,0:08:04.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Living by himself, having no health problems.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.37,0:08:08.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Getting around without any trouble whatsoever, mentally clear,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.63,0:08:11.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they asked him what his diet was.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:12.17,0:08:17.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he said that between the ages of 90 to 115, he'd narrowed his diet down,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.100,0:08:27.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it now consisted of bread fried in fatback and three gallons of Thunderbird wine a week.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.07,0:08:38.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When they asked him why he didn't fry his bread in bacon, he said:
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.60,0:08:40.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Because bacon's too lean!"
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.76,0:08:46.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Imagine if he went to a doctor.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.47,0:08:51.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The guy had been doing tremendously, and if he sat there and described his diet,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.22,0:08:53.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the doctor would go: "What the fuck is the matter with you?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.32,0:08:58.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't eat that anymore. You have to start on a diet of fruits and vegetables."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.75,0:09:01.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he would have, and he'd have been dead in a week!
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.92,0:09:07.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause they don't know.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.36,0:09:12.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They try to come up with these general rules of health, and they can't do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.55,0:09:17.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's impossible to do, because everybody's health is different.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.45,0:09:20.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's good for one of you will kill the person sitting next to you.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.26,0:09:27.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every one of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.96,0:09:33.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Completely, because we are all like snowflakes.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.88,0:09:48.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've thought of two general rules of health, and I think these actually work.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.82,0:09:56.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first is: The good die young, but pricks live forever.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.88,0:09:58.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(These subtitles are based on the transcript in http://www.livedash.com/transcript/your{\u1}money/4998/CNN/Monday{\u0}October{\u1}25{\u0}2010/323699/ , but with censoring "bleeps" replaced by what Lewis Black actually said)