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[Laughter; laughter intersperses the whole show]
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We care so much about health, that during the last 25 years, we destroyed water.
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'Cause when I was a child, this was the simplest thing of all.
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This was the essence of life, and when you were thirsty-
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that's the operative word, ladies and gentlemen:
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the word is, and has, and will always be "thirsty", " not hydrate- they made that fucking word up.
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I could go anywhere in my house when I was a child.
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You know, there was three or four different rooms.
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I could go into my basement, and I could get clean water, and drink it [pleased noise]
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And then go back out and play, and those were great times.
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But then, then we decided every town and every village
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which had all the water coming to it,
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and all they had to do was clean it, said: "We'll save money.
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We won't clean the water so much, and with the money we can save,
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we can then buy the water at the supermarket."
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Try to go through this logic with me.
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Our country had water coming to our homes, and even if we were locked out,
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we could still get it.
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Clean water, and we said, "No! Fuck you!
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I don't want it to be that goddamned convenient.
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I wanna drive, and drive, and drive, and look for water, like my ancestors did. "
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So we now buy water from Coke and Pepsi, 'cause when I think clean water,
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Oh yeah, I fucking think Coke and Pepsi.
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The water that they sell is actually so shitty
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they won't put it in Coke and Pepsi, and that's not funny
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because it's fucking probably true.
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Aquafina ? I think it means the end of water as we know it.
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Then there's spring water. All sorts of spring waters.
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Deer Park, which I don't touch, 'cause there's a picture of a deer,
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and you don't need a deer pissing and shitting in your water.
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There's all sorts of spring waters. It's bullshit.
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Because nobody's ever seen a spring.
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Nobody's ever fucking seen a spring.
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Uh-uh, there's no such thing.
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Fuck! When was the last time you said: "Boy, I can't wait to go to a bottling plant"?
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You know where spring water comes from ?
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There's a couple in Pittsburgh that sits in a bathtub, and fills these fuckers up.
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'Cause that's how stupid they think we are.
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They think we're so stupid that on many bottles of spring water, they print the nutritional facts.
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The nutritional facts of water!
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How dumb do they think we are ?
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It's as if they believed that we fell asleep on a nuclear reactor, and our brains had melted,
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and we are now nothing more than meat with eyes.
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I wonder how many calories are inn water! Let me look! Arrrrhhhh!
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"Total fat" Total fuck fat in water.
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What that implies is that there's water with chunks of fat in it.
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And I gotta find that water, 'cause that's the tasty goddamned water.
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And if that weren't enough, they print next to the calories and the total fat,
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all of the zeroes that are there, they print the percent of our daily requirement.
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If they think we're that stupid, the labels on spring water
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should just be written in crayon with the "r" reversed, and a finger like this.
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When I was a kid, and water was free, nobody ever told you how much water to drink, ever.
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Four glasses of milk, nothing about water.
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But then, they started bottling water, and as soon as they started bottling it,
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they said eight bottles a day.
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Eight!
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Eight, you fuckers!
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That's like a goddamned homework assignment.
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I can't remember what day it is, now I gotta remember how many bottles of water I drank? Fuck you!
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That's 56 bottles of water a week.
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You need a burro to carry that much shit around.
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And if you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, many doctors say,
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at the end of the week, you should take a garden hose, and shove it up your ass.
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Here's the kicker-- you're gonna love this.
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Scientists have begun to experiment to find out the effects of water on our system.
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And guess what?
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We're probably drinking too much water.
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And by the sound of your reaction, I realize that some of you are fucked.
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You've been scarfing this shit down.
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You've been yelling: "Look at me, look at me! My pee has no color."
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That's because you've pissed all the nutrients in your brain away,
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and you're lucky that your head hasn't caved in.
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There are people who walk out of their apartments in New York City
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every morning of every work week, carrying a liter bottle of water in a sling,
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as if it was a little baby.
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They're carrying a liter bottle of water with them
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as if they were crossing the goddamned Mojave!
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"What if I never see water again?"
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The bottom line is, is that nobody knows.
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Nobody knows shit about health.
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I know this because there was an article written a few years ago
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about a gentleman living in the Bronx.
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The oldest man living in New York.
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115 years old.
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Living by himself, having no health problems.
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Getting around without any trouble whatsoever, mentally clear,
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and they asked him what his diet was.
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And he said that between the ages of 90 to 115, he'd narrowed his diet down,
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and it now consisted of bread fried in fatback and three gallons of Thunderbird wine a week.
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When they asked him why he didn't fry his bread in bacon, he said:
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"Because bacon's too lean!"
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Imagine if he went to a doctor.
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The guy had been doing tremendously, and if he sat there and described his diet,
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the doctor would go: "What the fuck is the matter with you?
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You can't eat that anymore. You have to start on a diet of fruits and vegetables."
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And he would have, and he'd have been dead in a week!
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'Cause they don't know.
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They try to come up with these general rules of health, and they can't do it.
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It's impossible to do, because everybody's health is different.
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What's good for one of you will kill the person sitting next to you.
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Every one of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else.
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Completely, because we are all like snowflakes.
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I've thought of two general rules of health, and I think these actually work.
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The first is: The good die young, but pricks live forever.
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(These subtitles are based on the transcript in http://www.livedash.com/transcript/yourmoney/4998/CNN/MondayOctober252010/323699/ , but with censoring "bleeps" replaced by what Lewis Black actually said)